Year End thoughts

Twenty eight years ago today our youngest daughter was born.  Happy birthday Kari!!  At this point I have to write down one of my favorite memories of Gar, though he would always try to claim that it never happened.  At 6:00 p.m. while I was in labor, Gar said "Six hours for a tax deduction, push"  He meant it jokingly, but he always tried to deny saying it.  He did, a woman who has been in labor for almost fifteen hours never forgets. I don't think that there are many things more special and uniting than the birth of your children.  After I gave birth and was brought back to my room, I encouraged Gar to go and share our happiness and some cigars with our friends on New Years Eve, and I would get some sleep.  Right after Gar headed down to the lobby to wait for a cab, the doctor came in and told me that Kari had some complications, due to undiagnosed gestational diabetes.  Nothing serious, but concerning.  Someone went to the lobby and got Gar, and he sat by my bed all night, keeping me calm.  Gar was my rock.  From the time that he came into my life, he was my rock through every crisis.  Nothing ever seemed as scary, intimidating or awful when I was in his arms.  He never said much, but his presence was calming.

So tonight, 2013 comes to an end, finally.  It has not been a good year.  Two of the girls had scary health crises, we lost Primo, and we lost Gar.  My life changed on July 27, and will never be the same.  I lost my life partner, my lover, my comforter and my head cheerleader.  I know that he is with God now, and that brings me comfort.  I am thankful to God for the thirty years that we had together, and I give thanks for my daughters, grandchildren and all the joy that they bring me.  I am learning a lot about grief.  I know that I still have a lot to work through in that department, but I do not do it alone.  God is with me, as are my children, grandchildren, family and friends.  I am truly blessed.  While I may be grieving, I refuse to be defined by my grief.  There is too much beauty and joy in the world to be constantly sorrowful.  Gar would not want me to constantly be sad, and God did not create me in that way.

As I look ahead to 2014, it is my prayer that I can help make the world a better place.  I do not know what God has in store for me, but I have learned, yet again, that God is always there.  Every day I will be reminded of and remember the love that Gar and I shared.  There's a move in my future.  Not sure when, but I do know that God found us this house, and God will help me sell it,.  As I start doing things to get it ready to put on the market, I often stop and pray that whatever family ends up living in this house, they will find as much joy in it has we have.  Our family has seasoned this house well.

As I end this year end reflection, I have to stop and thank God for each and everyone of the people who have been there for me this past year.   Our daughters and grandkids are my biggest comfort, but I treasure each and everyone of you.  Thank you for your prayers, your expressions of support and your love.  God is good, all the time.

Merry Christmas

As I write this, I have just made it through my first Christmas in 30 years without Gar.  I made it though thanks to God's strong love, my amazing children and grandchildren, my sister and her family and our many friends.  It actually went better than I had  hoped for, but tonight I am mentally and physically exhausted.  Now I am going to try and chronicle some of the highlights.  I want to be able to look back and see God's love made visible through others.

So let's start with Christmas Eve day.  I had lots of cleaning and grocery shopping to do, which kept me busy, right up to the last minute before 4:00 church.  Tierney and I went to church, where she sang with Rainbow Choir, and I gave the children's sermon and helped with communion.  When we are in church for Christmas, my biggest trigger for tears is always Silent Night.  I sing that song and think of the many saints in my life who are watching Christmas from above.  I can very rarely sing that song in church without totally breaking down and crying.  As far as the children's sermon, that was pretty funny.  Pastor had asked if I wanted to give it to give a different take, so I said sure.  Well the Holy Spirit sure must have wanted the message to come through, because without even consulting, mine was very similar to his.  After church, we went home for dinner.  While we were in church, it had started snowing.  Right before we sat down to eat, our friends Timothy and Allison called to see if they could join us as they did not want to drive to Minneapolis, then back to Ramsey in the snow.  I was so glad they were there, as they changed up our routine, so the hole is our family life was not so apparent.  Thanks Holy Spirit for inspiring them to reach out and ask to join us.  Then it was back to church with Annie, Kari, Liz and Tierney.  Yes, Ti made it through two services on Christmas Eve, she really is her grandmother's daughter.  It was good to be together in the community of believers, giving thanks and praising God.  Love my church family!!!

Today we all headed to my sister Peg's house for Christmas brunch, where Mary and Owen joined us from their dad's.  This past year, my Goddaughter and niece, Amanda and her husband Joel had a new baby boy Rece.  What joy he brings to all of us.  Out of the blue, as we started eating, I started crying.  My family all patiently loved my through it.  While we were there, I checked phone messages and found a message of Christmas greetings from our former Pastor Dale, and his wife Alene.  Another unexpected but beautiful gift from God.

As I read through this, it kind of sounds like one of those Christmas letters that we all get every year at this time.  So, this is my Christmas greeting to anyone who reads this.  Thank you so much for all of the love and support you have given me and my family in the last five months.  Yes, it is only five months, seems like an eternity.  At Christmas we celebrate the "word of God, made flesh to dwell among is."  That is true of Jesus, and Jesus and God's love continue to be made flesh in the form of family and friends.  I may have lost the love of my life, but I am truly blessed and not alone.  Thank you Baby Jesus for these blessings.

Izatys

So, here we are at one of the weeks that is so important to our family, the family vacation at our timeshare, Izatys.  It is a week that is anticipated and loved by all of us.  I'm currently the only one up, as last night was a very late night, filled with games, fun and laughter,  Actually, a couple more just woke up, but I think we'll all have naps this afternoon.

Gar is here this week.  He's in the memories, the laughter, everything that our family is doing.  When I got here on Friday, I drove up alone, because Gar and I always got here before everyone else so that we could get unpacked and have some quiet times before the troops arrived.  So, I got here early, walked through the house filled with good memories and cried.  They were good tears, cleansing tears.  That behind me, I was ready to unpack and enjoy the week with my family.

As I was driving up here, I was thinking about all of the past times at Izatys, and the fun that we have had.  We have been coming here for over ten years.  It's a great excuse to take a week of relative quiet before the demands of the holidays.  One of the things about Gar's death is how he died.  It happened with no warning, like a thief in the night.  There are pros and cons about dying this way, the biggest con being for those who are left behind.  I have so many memories about our life together, but none of them are captured memories.  That's a term I just coined.  A captured memory is one where you think "I had better remember everything about this moment, because it will never happen again."  A year ago at Izatys, we did not know that it would be our last time up here with Gar.  Is that a good thing, or a bad thing.  With both of my parents, they had chronic illnesses that we knew would take their life sometime before the next Christmas.  So, we captured Christmas memories to have in the future Christmases.  Those memories are good, but bittersweet.  As we move into this blessed time of the year, a time of God, family, and friends, I think I'm glad that I don't have captured memories from last year.  My memories of the holidays last year, starting with Izatys are good and happy, for the most part.  There were some family issues, but Gar and I got through them with each other.  I would not have wanted to celebrate the holidays or our vacation with Gar, knowing that it would be his last time with us. But for those of my friends who read this and have a loved one who's ill, capture that memory and enjoy it.  Then stop, and give your loved one a hug and tell them that you love them.   As for me, I will look back, stop and thank God for thirty years of fun, love and many wonderful memories with Gar.

frustration

I swear, lately my life is one step forward and three steps back.  I had thought that by this point in this new journey of my life, things would be getting easier as I got used to life without Gar.  If anything, I am doing worse.  I haven't been blogging  because I haven't really had anything good to say, and I am tired of being negative Nancy here.  Yet, I think I need to blog, just to get all of the emotions out.  So, I'm back to blogging.

Another huge struggle in my life has been my puppy Winky.  There is something wrong with her, but don't know what.  The thought was food allergies, so we have been treating her for that.  Today some really horrible looking stuff came out of her body.  Just heard it, didn't see it, so don't know what end it came out of.  She is also very lethargic.  Usually she is a small, energetic bundle of puppy joy.  Now all she does is sleep.  When everything first started, she still had a high level of energy, but now all she does is curl up on the couch.  I'm scared for two reasons.  First, I don't want anything to be wrong with her.  I have not have had her long, but she is in my heard and she brought me joy in those really dark days where she was the only joy in the house.  The other thing that scares me is that I can't afford any extraordinary treatments.  Right now the dog food, pills and lab work is costing too much, plus I had some work done on Kirby too, so a lot of my "extra" money is going to the vet.  If it is something expensive, I will have decisions to make.  I know that there are people who don't understand how important dogs are to me, but they are a huge part of my life.  They bring comfort when I am alone, and they are just so darn cute.  So I sit here and cry, and pray that Winky will be okay.

I also need to write about missing Gar.  I know that grief takes a long time, and needs to take it's own journey, yet I am amazed at how hard it has been for me to move forward.  I have people tell me that I am strong, and I tell them that I am only as strong as the people who pray for me.  I also have people who tell me that I am doing really well.  I guess in public I am.  It's the long, lonely days at home that are killers.  Then sometimes I get so caught up in the loneliness that I don't leave the house.  Now that winter, and the long, dark cold days are here, that's even worse.  Yet the days that I do get out, I really feel much better.  That's a catch-22 also, because I don't want to ignore grief by getting caught up in busyness because I know from experience that grief will come back and bite you in the butt.  So I stop, thank God for thirty years, and try to move on.

Solo Road Trip

So here I am in Nashville, Music City.  Sitting in in my hotel room, settled in for any evening of "Chopped" marathon on the Food channel.  Trying not to feel sorry for myself.  This will be an interesting weekend, challenging for me.  Gar and I have come to these meetings together for years.  Usually we go to the meetings and then either sit around the hotel or do some sightseeing.  No sense in going to the bar, as I don't drink and don't really like hanging around in bars.  The people at the meetings all know Gar, but there's not too many of them that we used to hang around with, so here I am.  I thought about going to downtown Nashville, but didn't really want to do that all alone, maybe during the day, but not at night.  It is something that I am going to need to get used to, and I will, just not ready to tackle it tonight.  Luckily for me, I've never had a problem in going into a restaurant alone.  Thank goodness for my Kindle.

The drive down was uneventful.  I have decided that music is salvation.  I love music, love the textures, shadings, melodies and harmonies that all go into any piece of music.  I actually have a sore throat from singing along.  Shed a few tears, prayed, talked to myself and did a lot of driving.  Thank goodness I am used to driving for long stretches at a time, just missed my travelling partner.  Usually after a day like this, Gar and I would have the problems of the world solved, we loved to sit and talk while I was driving.  But it was okay yesterday and today.  It really didn't bother me that much.  Lots of memories to keep me company.  Gar and I have driven this route together a few times, so there were memories there.  I don't think that I'll ever be totally alone while I'm driving, as memories are really good company, and Gar and I created many of them together.

So, the tough part is being here alone, learning what to do.  The tournament this summer will be different, I should be surround by friends and family.  But there will always be weekends like this one.  I will persevere, and hopefully will even gracefully conquer.  I have never been a chicken, and I have never backed down, so I can do this.  Hopefully I will even have some fun along the way.  I will also need to learn to ask people if I want to be included.  What I do know is that I am really never alone, God is with me and Gar is with me.  So I stop, thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, then I move on.

This n that

I must officially be a widow, I will start receiving Gar's Social Security benefits soon.  It was one of those appointments that I was dreading, but it was relatively painless.  I am thankful for my friend Janet who came with me.  She is a retired Social Security employee, so she made sure I asked all of the right questions.  It wasn't that hard, but I was very grateful for company.  My appointment was about an hour late, so we had lots of time to sit and chat.

I have been noticing that lately it has been really hard for me to focus.  Paying attention to any type of talk just seems so hard to do.  I was supposed to attend a workshop on Saturday that I have been planning on for a long time.  I had to send my regrets to the women planning it and the group presenting it.  I am afraid that I probably would have had a full blown panic attack if I had tried to concentrate for more than thirty minutes.  It made me sad, but I do think that it was for the best.  I hope that this passes soon, it's not my style at all.

I'm really tired of spending all of my blogs having to wa-was, so now I am going to focus on a positive note of my day.  It was Give to the Max Day in Minnesota, and I was able to get my gifts in before the website crashed.  It makes me feel good that the website crashed because there were too many people giving.  I hope that everyone who planned on giving was able to find a way to give.  I also sent in a Thankoffering to Women of the ELCA.  Giving always make me feel better, so that's my positive note for today.

For everyone who reads my blog, thank you so much for the likes and the words of encouragement.  They all help so much.  God is so good, and I am blessed, even if I don't always feel that way.

Sigh

I had hoped that the next time that I blogged, it would be positive and upbeat.  Actually, last week was a pretty good week, and I was starting to feel hopeful that a degree of normalcy would return, but it wasn't meant to be.  The grief and the pain never seem to fully go away.  I guess that the best way to explain it is to use an analogy of a wolf stalking prey.  The wolf is always lurking, waiting to attack.  You can scare it away, yet it remains lurking in the shadows, and the minute you let down your guard, it will pounce and knock you down again.  I have grieved often in my life, the death of both parents, deaths of uncles and an aunt, deaths of animals.  Heck, I have even grieved alcohol and cigarettes, but I have never dealt with emotion like I have dealt with in the last three and one half months.  It's so pervasive.  Of course, that could be because every aspect of my life has changed because of Gar's death.  Another thing about the grief is that it cuts so deep at my soul.  While the very essence of me hasn't changed, it has been drastically altered.  I am hoping that I will be able to keep the hope and joy that I have always lived with.  I refuse to be defined by my grief.

One thing that I have learned about myself is how I have always viewed life with hope and joy.  I don't know if it has always showed, but since I quit drinking, it has come back to my life.  Right now it's not my primary view of life, but it keeps breaking through.  I remember in those first few really dark days after Gar died, it was buried pretty deep, but it still made an appearance.  Not for long, but smiles usually crept through.  Now it really does come around again.  That's good, I need hope and joy in my life.  Those two emotions are truly gifts from God, and they are the gift that got me sober.  I want to be happy, I like being happy.  As I start looking for that happiness, I need to remember two things.  First of all, it's okay to be happy, it's what Gar would want.  I shouldn't feel guilty because I feel happy.  The other thing that I need to remember is that the quality of my happiness has changed.  There will always be a hole in my soul that's Gar shaped (I found that in a Pinterest quote tonight) and I need to remember that and work around it.  I just need to remember all of the blessings that I have had in my life and all of the blessing that are in my life now.  I am truly a luck woman.  Most of all, God has never stopped loving me during the lowest and darkest times of my life, or during the highest and happiest times of my life.  God is the source of my blessings and the source of my happiness, and I thank God for God's amazing love.  What is so amazing is that we are all loved like that.  I just pray that all people, especially those who don't always love themselves, may know and remember this.  That's one thing that I love about blogging, I usually remember this, and it gets me through the the tough moments.  I also like going back and re-reading what I've written.  I am coming along.

I did want to share one thought I had last week, that brought me peace.  I was at the Y and sitting in the hot tub.  I have finally gotten back to going to the Y.  At first it was very hard to go alone, Gar and I always did this together.  Anyhow, I was sitting in the hot tub thinking about Gar and how Gar loved being in the water.  He loved swimming, being in the hot tub and taking baths.  Then I realized that when God came and met Gar, it was where Gar was the most comfortable.  Isn't that cool?  It showed me again, how much God loved Gar, and how much God loves all of us.  Knowing that helps with the pain too.  Thank you God for meeting us where we are the most comfortable.  God is good, all the time.

All Saints Day

So, today is All Saints Day, and my husband has joined the Communion of Saints in the past year.  This is something that I could not have imagined, even six months ago.  There have been times in the last three months where that thought has still been inconceivable, yet it is still my reality.  I still question God, but I am learning, somewhat, to accept it.  I can't do anything else.

I have given myself permission to ramble today.  Usually when I sit down to blog, I have try to stay with one thought and develop it.  Well, it has been one of those days where I start one thing, move on to another thing, and then another thing.  Kind of an ADD day, so why should my writing be any different.  One of the things that I have done today is to start sorting pictures.  I did a small fraction of them, and one thing keeps coming to mind.  We were so blessed and we had so many good times together.  Thank you God.

For some reason today, don't know if it was the date, the pictures or the weather, probably a combination of all three, I have been thinking about our trip to Australia.  It was a wonderful trip for both of us, a once in a lifetime event.  If I were in Australia right now, where it's tomorrow, it would have been six years since we landed in Australia.  Hi to any of my Aussie friends who may be reading this, love you all.  Love all of the friends I made over there, and I have heard from most of them since Gar passed away.  For some reason, the recurring thought of today had to do with my thoughts when we returned home.  I remember walking across my yard and wondering why I did not hang upside down when I was in Australia.  Made me think about God and how fearfully and wonderfully everything in this world is made.  I remember laughing with Gar about that as we were walking our dogs around the yard.  Quite often, and rightfully so, Gar thought that I was crazy, yet he still loved me :)

I did accomplish one thing today, I finished re-reading the Harry Potter series that I started two weeks ago.  I love those books.  All Saints day is kind of an interesting day to be reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  One of those lovely timing coincidences that I did not anticipate when I started re-reading them this time around.  Anyhow, it was good, and Harry lives.

So on Sunday I will go to church, and it will be All Saints Sunday.  A time when we stop and remember the saints that have gone before us.  Not only will my prayers be for myself and my family, but for the many families that have lost loved ones this past year.  Thanks be to God for all of those saints, and may God hold their families in God's loving hand.

Well, I'm done rambling for now.  If anyone is reading this and you have made it this far, thanks for hanging in there with me.  It means that you care and that means so much to me.  It's kind of fun to ramble and mean nothing once in a while.  God is good, all the time, and God loves us even when we ramble.

Tidal Waves and Roller Coasters

Last night was tough, it was a night where I couldn't pull myself up by the bootstraps, no matter what.  So I got up this morning, the sky was blue, the sun was shining and I chose joy for the day.  It worked, through bowling.  I had fun, I bowled well, and every time I got a strike, I pretended it was Gar blowing me a kiss.  He was fairly affectionate in the last two games.  Didn't go to the Halloween Parade because it seemed to be all messed up for the family going together, so I went out to eat.  It was one of those times, when going out to eat by myself just didn't work.  I realized how alone I was.  So, driving home was tough.  Then I got home, and a neighbor was mowing my yard for me.  It made me feel so good and so loved, I am truly blessed.  

So I'm writing this today, because of the whirlwind of emotions.  It's a good thing that the effects of grief are well publicized, or I would think I was having a breakdown.  It's amazing how fast the pendulum can swing from one side to the other.  Last night when I was so down, a lot of it seemed to revolve around worrying about the girls and how they are handling their grief.  I am so afraid of my family splintering as we all seem to grieve Gar in our different ways.  We all seem to be flying apart rather than pulling together to support each other.  I don't know if this is normal or not.  It's funny, as I was typing this, I was reminded of a beautiful visual given to me many years ago by one of my AA sponsors.  She told me that whenever I was worrying about my children, all I needed to do was visualize handing them to God, to sit in his loving lap.  I just did that, and it helped.  I know that we are all God's children, and he is loving us through all of our tough times.  I just pray that our family won't let this divide us.  We've had that before, and worked through it, so I pray that we will pull together.

As long as I'm talking about grieving, there is one stage that I am afraid of, and that is the anger.  Everyone keeps asking me if I have had that yet.  I was angry on that first day, but then again, I visited every stage of grief briefly on that first day.  I am hoping that  I covered anger in that day long enough.  It doesn't do any good to get mad at Gar, he didn't choose to die that day.  I know that it was just when God chose to call him home.  I can't imagine being angry at God, because I know how much God loves me and I know that my almost thirty years of marriage was a gift from God.  So who I get angry with?  Life is what it is.  I do know that it's a gift from God, so I am going to work harder to enjoy each day for the gift that is is.  I don't know.  I just know that I am being carried by God, and I am not alone.  Blogging helps me a lot.  As I write stuff down, I re-read it and get many things clarified.  Another gift from God.  So as I get into my busy evening and an even busier day tomorrow, I give God the glory.  God is good and I know that God is with me all of the time.  So is Gar.  I thank God for Gar and the life that we had together and the family that we had together.  

My Cup Runneth Over

I have always been grateful to Ed Ames.  One of my all-time favorite songs is "My Cup Runneth Over".  If you don't know the song, I have put a You Tube clip on my Facebook page.  It's a song about the simple things in life. When i-Tunes was established, and it was one of the first purchased songs I put on my i-Pod.

It's a song about simple moments, and how those moments can fill your heart to overflowing.  Those are the moments that keep me going right now.  I don't know if it was in the eulogy at the funeral (parts of that are huge blanks) but there was a day like that last summer.  It was in early June, and Gar and I were in the living room watching TV.  Actually, I was watching TV and Gar, along with Primo, Kirby and Isabella were all sleeping peacefully.  I looked around the room, my cup overflowed with love and I thanked God for all of the wonderful things in my life.  I did not know that my life was about to be overturned, but I do remember that moment, and I am grateful for that.  I've thought about it a lot, and it's not the grand passion that makes a wonderful marriage, or even a wonderful life, it's the small moments.  As some of the pain is peeling away in my mind, more and more of those small moments are coming back.  There were many days, when just like in the song, I would lay and watch Gar sleep and think about how much I loved him, and I would thank God.  Other moments where I would share something with Gar and see the special smile that he had just for me are starting to come back too.  One time was when this song came on my i-Tunes when we were listening to it in the car.  I looked at Gar and told him that the song always reminded me of him and our marriage, and he got that special smile.

I'm going to do something now that I usually don't do in this blog, I'm going to get preachy.  I figured I've earned it.  Don't ever take your love or your marriage, or anyone that you love in your life for granted.  You never know when God is going to call them home.  Gar and I, even before our marriage, always told each other "I love you", and we always ended, and I still do, each conversation with our kids that way.  All relationships are gift from God, to show us God's  love.  So not only do you say I love you a lot, but you also stop and thank God for that love.  I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, wonderful children and grandchildren, wonderful parents, a wonderful sister and her family, and many, many friends.  I have thanked God for all of them, many times.  So today, I sit for a few minutes, thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, and the many wonderful things in my life.  Then I move on with my day.

Make the pain go away

Today I realized the curse of a good marriage.  It's the pain when one partner dies and leaves the other partner alone.  Oh my God, and this is a cry of pain, not an OMG exclamation, it hurts so much!  Today started out okay, I got up, fed the dogs, went to church, a pretty normal Sunday.  Between services, Liz and I walked through the cemetery and I was feeling okay, feeling like I may survive this new normal called being a widow.  Changed some plans and went out to brunch with the girls before heading home to nurse this stupid cold.  On the way home, the pain hit again.  I miss Gar so much.  What I miss is how Gar loved me, just for being me.  How he was always there for me, and when I was in pain, how he would hold me and love me.  I remember when we got married. thinking that Gar would always love me.  He did, and I know that he is up in heaven, loving me still.  But I am down here, missing him, hurting and feeling like I will never feel the same again.  Never will I feel the comfort of being loved for just being me.  I know that God loves me like that, but right now God, can't wrap his arms around me, hold me and let me cry.  So I sit and cry by myself.  Sometimes when I am alone, and not working on controlling the crying, I am amazed by the sounds that come out of my body.  They aren't even human.  Today I think I scared the dogs.  I hate that right now I am stuck, feeling unable to move, either forward or backward.  I hate this feeling of being alone.  I hate not know what the future holds.  I hate that at this point in time, not even my faith is bringing me comfort.  I have a friend who tells me to remember two happy things whenever I feel really sad.   That isn't even working right now.  If I think of something happy, it makes me lonelier.  I try not to communicate anything when I'm feeling like this, no blogging, no Facebook postings, nothing.  Yet I cannot help myself right now.  I need to get this pain out of my system.  People tell me that time helps.  I know that, but it isn't helping right now.  I know that God loves me and walks with me, but right now I can't even feel that.  I feel small, I feel lonely and I hurt like hell.  I know that I will get through this, but I don't feel it right now.  So, I write, and I pray, and I thank God for thirty years with Gar, and strength to get through the next thirty seconds.

Day by day

It's been nine weeks since Gar died.  Nine long, roller coaster weeks.  This week hasn't been too bad though.  Tuesday was awful, I had a total breakdown while driving between appointments.  I think that I cried so hard that I actually dehydrated myself.  But, I did pull myself together, and I don't think I yelled at too many people.  On Wednesday morning I had my cat, Spot, put down.  It was time, we got her seventeen years ago, on the day that Gar's dad died.  That was hard to due.  My friend, Stefani, took him to the vet, because I just couldn't do it.  I miss him, but I know that it's for the best.  It's kind of funny, about two years ago I was thinking that it was time to put him down because of some of his behaviors.  But Gar was sitting in the living room and Spot was on his lap.  I think Spot knew the softie in the family, and Gar said "He's a pretty good cat, I don't think it's time yet."  Well now, Spot has reunited with Gar and Primo.

I've had some good days this week, days where I'm feeling more like Nancy.  Small bits of happiness creep into the everyday activities.  It's funny, sometimes I feel guilty because I think I shouldn't be feeling happy yet.  Then I remember that the Nancy that Gar loved should never go away.

Yesterday we interred Gar's ashes.  Yet another stage of closure.  I cried out of loss, but it wasn't the overwhelming sense of grief.  Pastor Brian did a wonderful job, as usual and read just the right amount of scripture, and not one of them was the 23rd Psalm, thank goodness!  I had two beautiful gifts, one from the girls and one from Brandon and Jamie.  Both were amazing pieces of art, done by Brandon Kidder.  When I see them on the walls, I am constantly reminded of how blessed that I am, in my family and my friends.  The one especially is breath taking in the picture and the concept.  Brandon is an amazing artist who constantly honors God with his gifts.  Thank you so much to the girls and Brandon and Jamie.

So, another week begins.  Another busy week.  We shall see what this week will hold.  I do know that I walk with God.  So I stop, thank God for thirty years with Gar and walk forward with God.

Remembering Gar

This is what I wrote for The Blind Bowler to remember Gar.  Thought I'd publish it here too, so that you can all understand Gar and bowling.

REMEMBERING GAR GIDDINGS

In January 1993, Gar Giddings borrowed a set of rails from the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers for a bowling event at his church.  When he returned the rails, he was asked to join the league.  He did, and had a wonderful time bowling with them for twenty years until his death on July 27, 2013. 

Gar joined the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers, first as a sub, then as a regular team member.  After a few years of watching him bowl, I also joined the league.  While we were bowling on Saturday morning, our two youngest daughters learned to bowl on the junior league that met at the same time.  Gar has served as both president and vice president for the league.  During the time that he was president, he was very aware of the fact that the rails needed for a blind bowling league did not magically set themselves up, so he started showing up early on Saturday mornings to help.  Eventually, Gar became the person in charge of setting up the rails, teaching many people to help him during that time.  The last few years, Gar often helped assemble and set up rails at the National Tournaments.  Several times, Gar served as the ABBA representative for his league at the Mid-Year Meetings.  For the last two years, Gar was a member of ABBA’s finance committee. 

Gar was passionate about bowling, and was always working to improve his average.  When he first started bowling in 1993, his average was in the high 70’s.  Last year, his average was 126.  He also bowled his highest game ever, a 226.  Several times he earned the Most Improved Bowler award for his leagues, and was often the recipient of the Lou Anderson Award, an award given out annually to rail users by the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers.  One time when Gar had first started bowling, I came home to find him watching bowling on ESPN.  I asked if he was getting pointers from the commentators, and he smiled and said “No, I just like to listen to the pins fall.”  That was pretty typical of Gar and his love for bowling. 

One of the highlights in Gar’s bowling came in 2007 when he was selected to represent the USA at the International Blind Sports Association (IBSA) Bowling Tournament in Sydney, Australia.  There he won a bronze medal in the Men’s Scratch Singles event in the category for the totally blind.  He finished fourth in the overall events for that tournament.   

In addition to bowling with the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers, Gar and I bowled with Super Rollers, a mixed doubles USBC sanctioned league.  Together we bowled in over ten Minnesota State Mixed Doubles tournaments.  Gar was also a member of the Twin Cities Blind Audio Dart league, where, for his last two years he served as league statistician.  He also participated in the annual dart tournaments held by the league.

Even more than a bowler, Gar was a husband, dad and grandfather.  Gar was much loved and will be missed by me, his daughters, Jen, Liz, Annie and Kari and his grandchildren, Mary Owen, Xander, Addie and Tierney.

God's Promise

18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength ~~Ephesians 1:18-20

I posted those words on my Facebook page today, and I decided that I needed them here.  I need those words and that promise today.  Yesterday was a tough one.  It was two months since Gar died, and it was harder than I thought it would be.  In a lot of ways, the first 2-3 weeks following Gar's death were easier than the last 2-3 weeks have been.  I think it's because in those first few days, I was numb, I couldn't think and I functioned on auto-pilot.  The anesthesia has worn off, and the reality has set in.  I have always heard about "the grief process", and I have been through it several times in my life, but this grief process is unlike any that I have been through, probably because this is the biggest grief I have ever been through.  I am still amazed at the tears.  Sometimes they just keep coming and coming.  I have been told that the number of tears shed shows how much a person was loved.  If that is the case, Gar was very loved.  

I also laid awake a lot last night, searching for the elusive cloak of sleep.  What finally got me to sleep was just praying for strength.  God answered my prayers and I slept.  Then I awoke this morning and did my daily bible reading.  Those words were in my daily reading this morning.  Talk about prayers answered.  I needed to see those words this morning to be reminded that the strength that God will give me to get through this grieving process and move on to life without Gar.  So I remind myself of God's great strength, give thanks for 30 years with Gar and start another day with God's promise.  God is good, all the time!

Who Am I?

Lately I really don't know myself.  I changed on July 27, 2013, between 12:30 and 1:00 in the afternoon.  At that point, my life stopped and restarted, and I am not the same person.  I remember standing outside in a state of shock, and all I could think was Oh my God, I am a widow and an orphan.  I spent a lot of time that first day dwelling on the fact that I was a widow.  It was a role that I never anticipated in my life, Gar was the healthy one in our relationship.  Now thankfully, I am able to focus on being a mother and a grandmother, but I still go back to the fact that I am a widow, alone.  When my mom died, three years ago, I spent time thinking about being an orphan, but it was something that Gar and I had in common, so we would hold each other, and love each other, and life would resume.  Now I stop and pray, and thank God for thirty years with Gar, and life resumes.

People tell me I am a strong woman.  I am not a strong woman, I am a woman with a strong faith.  There is a big difference.  Thought I did not know it immediately after Gar died, before I went to bed that night, I knew that God was there holding me.  As in the Footsteps poem, I was being carried, I still am.  I love God, and I know that there are certain gifts that God has given me, gifts I am called on to use.  One of them is doing this blog.  I have received many compliments, and some people have told me that it helps them when they read it.  It is not me, it is God working through me.  As far as the other parts of my "strength", it is how I was raised, you face what you need to face and then you get moving.  I watched my mom be a widow for fourteen years, and I learned a lot from that.  What I mostly learned is that you just keep on going, it doesn't do any good to sit around and feel sorry for yourself.   I still have days where I feel sorry for myself, but I give myself permission to have days like that, then the next day I move on.

The primary reason that I say that I don't know myself, is that there is a big hole in my soul.  It is the hole that was filled with me loving Gar, and Gar loving me.  Sometimes when I look at myself, I don't even know myself.  I did not realize until lately how joy based I basically am.  I have always loved life, especially since I quit clouding it with alcohol.  There is usually a part of me that is happy.  Joy has been sneaking through my grief lately, but it is different.  I don't know how to describe it.  There is a sadness in my joy.  I know that it sounds contradictory, but it's true.  I am not the same.  I don't quite understand it, but each day it gets a little better.  So I continue to trust in God, give thanksgiving for thirty years with Gar, and keep on with each day.  God is good, all the time.

Lonely versus alone

Yesterday I became aware of the difference between lonely and alone.  I had the annual Gathering for the Minneapolis Area Synod, Women of the ELCA this weekend, and it was wonderful.  The music was inspiring, the speakers were great and I was enfolded by the love, sympathy and support of so many women. God was truly there, and believe me, God was in every detail.  Gar's death came in during the last seven weeks before our event, and if you've ever helped plan an event, you know how critical those seven weeks are.  God sent so many people to help with the needs that I either forgot or just seemed unable to do.  I am so thankful for all of the women and men who helped us with this event.  While Gar was never at these events, he was always there in spirit, supporting me in the details and cheering me on when it finished.  It was interesting how on Friday night when I got back to my hotel room, I almost reached for the phone to tell him how the first day went and to see how he bowled.  This has always been my practice.  However, I did realize on the way home, that for the first time, Gar got to see one of these events in action, because I know that God was there and gave Gar an audience.

So anyhow, the convention ended, my friend Jackie was safely on her plane, and I was alone.  I packed up, ate breakfast and drove home.  I knew that Kari was going to the Vikings game, so she was not in my plans, but I did have plans for getting together with Liz and Annie at church, and then brunch.  Well, for various reasons they both cancelled on me, then the tears began.  I picked up the dogs, talked to Liz for a while, took the dogs for a walk, and then I was home, alone AND lonely.  So I had a lot of time to think.  I started thinking about the house, again.  Boy, I sure keep taking that one back from God.  I also started just worrying about unseen things in the future.  Took that one back too.  As the day went on, for the first time, I consciously thought about being lonely and being alone.

I have been lonely many times, even when Gar was alive.  Loneliness is an interesting and usually temporary feeling that can be relieved finding someone to talk to, praying or finding something to do.  Alone is totally different.  If you look in the dictionary, the two are almost the same by definition.  However, if you look in the bible, Genesis 2:18, God says it is not good that man should be alone.  Not lonely, alone.  In my definition, being alone is just that, alone.  It means that I am the only one to make decisions, and in some aspects, I am often the only one affected by any decisions that I make. It also means that even though I have children and grandchildren whom I dearly love, it still comes down to just me at the end of the day.  Gar and I had a shared decision making marriage.  Most of the major things were discussed and decided by the two of us.  We also supported each other in everything we did, alone or together.  Now I walk alone.  There is good news in this is that I really do not walk alone, because our Triune God walks with me, or carries me when necessary.  The other good news is that Gar is with God, so Gar is with me too.  This helps me to go on, because if I was truly alone, I could not go forward.  So I stop, and I thank God for thirty years of being with Gar and not being alone, and I pray for God to walk with me another day.

Moving on

Since Gar died, I've been in a holding pattern, keeping busy, doing things that need to be done.  This week will be different.  I know that I will truly never move on, but this week will be a week that is busy, and a type of busyness that I'm used to, my Women of the ELCA things.  Doing work to give God the glory for God's rich love of us.

This is my fourth convention since coming president of the Minneapolis Area Synod Women of the ELCA.  Through the other three conventions, Gar always supported me.  He would listen to me worry about things to be done, and he would be there when it was over.  He was always my biggest encourager and cheerleader, as I was his.  We were each huge fans of the other's accomplishments.

Getting to this point in this year's convention has been a struggle.  Things were moving on an okay basis, though everyone on the board was grieving the events of the past year, especially me.  We had lost several board members in different ways, so it has been a lot of work and as I look back now, a lot of grieving.  Thankfully, some of the women on our board grieve through action, unfortunately I am not one of them. Even more thankfully, God is always there, meeting our every need.  It seems as though, following the day that Gar died, getting my head around the convention has been difficult.  I am blessed to be working with women who have been picking up the pieces that I have been unable to carry.  Women placed in my life by God.  So, are things exactly as I would like them to be for our convention, no.  Am I confident that our convention will be a success, yes.  Why?  Because God is in control, and will help us get done what needs to be done, and the women who will be there are the women whom God wanted there.

I am a little nervous about next Monday when everything is over.  There is a natural high in this type of event, especially for an extrovert like me.  I know that many things will carry me through the weekend; seeing friends, singing, sharing, listening to amazing speakers, so many fun things.  In the past, one of the other highlights of the Gathering was to come home, be part of of big hug with Gar, and then share every detail of the weekend with Gar.  Even if he was paying closer to football than he was to me, he was there, listening, sharing and smiling with me.  So this year I will come home, thank God for 30 years together with Gar and share the highs and lows of the weekend with my dogs.  They are good listeners too.  I know that there will be the inevitable letdown, but I also know God will hold me through it.  So if anyone reading this has any prayers for the Gathering they will be appreciated.  Our theme is "We Rejoice in God's Love for Us; Live, Laugh, Love.  It will truly be a time of that.  God is good, all the time.

Cars

It's funny how the littlest things can affect you.  When Gar and I were first married, every time there was a car problem, even an oil change, it usually became a crisis, simply because money was so tight.  I remember one Christmas when we thought that we couldn't go to Mom and Dad's for Christmas because we had car troubles.  Well, that year, my determined husband had me go to the auto parts store and buy a spark plug.  He went out in the garage, put the spark plug in and fixed the exhaust system with a Campbell's tomato soup can.  Obviously it was pre-computerized everything on a car, and we made it to Mom and Dad's for Christmas.  My folks were pretty impressed with my husband then!  The longer we were married, and as finances became a little easier, trips to the shop became easier.  I became more confident in myself, and rarely needed to call for Gar's advice or approval, it was mostly to keep him informed.    Today I brought the car to Kia for a recurring problem, and it turned out to be a pretty expensive repair, not covered by our warranty.  I was reduced to to tears.  I knew it had to be done, and there was enough money, barely, to cover it, but I cried.  I think what I missed most of all was just that Gar wasn't there to call or commiserate with me, I had to do it on my own.  It had me depressed for quite a while today.  Our marriage was one of shared decision making and everything else.  It was truly a partnership.  So now, I have to stand on my own and make those decisions, small and large, on my own.  So I stop, pray, thank God for 30 years with Gar, make my decision and move forward.  It will be different, but I am confident that God will be there, and Gar will be there in spirit.

Rainbows

For some reason this morning I was feeling really abandoned by Gar.  It started last night.  It had been a "pajama day" for me, lay low, do a few things, but most of all, stay in your pajamas all day.  Stef stopped by, so I had a good visit with a friend, but mostly it was me and the dogs.  I was so lonely when I went to bed, and really missed Gar, was even a little angry for his dying.  Take that back, I was a lot angry.  My mind wandered in and out of dreams all night, and while they were comforting, Gar wasn't in any of them.  So I woke up this morning and just felt really abandoned.  I sat down at my computer in the kitchen while I was feeding the dogs and looked out the window.  There was the most beautiful rainbow, a full one.  I could see both ends off my deck, and I caught the beginning of it, so it kept getting brighter and brighter.  Gar knows how I've always seen God and God's goodness in rainbows, and how special they are to me, so Gar and God worked together to give me a wonderful treat.  It gave me hope again, when hope was pretty low.

After the rainbow started to dim, I went to my daily bible readings.  This is how the chapter I was reading in Corinthians closed 16 But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory,are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.~~2nd Corinthians 3:16-18.  It dawned on my that both Gar's physical and spiritual vision was restored to him in his death, thanks to Jesus, so Gar's face is truly unveiled now, and he is seeing God in God's glory, and shared part of that with me this morning in the rainbow.  Thank you God for restoring Gar's vision, and most of all, thanks for 30 years with Gar.  God is good, all the time.

Tears

Have you ever wondered about tears?  I am amazed that I did not dehydrate myself in that first week after Gar died.  On the Saturday that we found him, I could not cry for the first few hours, then I could not quit crying.  Now, seven weeks later, I never know what will set me off.  Often it is the kindness of friends, a hug, a phone call, condolences from someone who was unable to be at the funeral or reviewal.  Music is another huge trigger, driving down the road and having a certain song come on can usually set off tears.  Sometimes, just sitting and thinking about a long, bleak future, I get scared and cry.  I often cry when I see how my kids and grandkids are dealing with their loss.  They lost a dad/grandpa way too soon.  They have too many milestones to come where Gar will not be there.  I think that I will always cry at those times when Gar should have been there for the girls and grandkids.  Then I remember that God is there and will always be there.

Yesterday at church we sang Lift High the Cross.  That was the first hymn that we sang at Gar's funeral.  We also sang it at my mother's funeral, and someday it will be sung at my funeral.  It is my favorite hymn, wonderful words, wonderful harmony.  I could not sing most of the hymn yesterday because of the tears.  Not only did I think of Gar's funeral, but I was reminded of the time that I heard it on the radio after mom died.  Then, Gar just held me and lovingly comforted me.  He was not there to do that yesterday.  So I dry my tears, stop and thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, and know that at those times, God is holding me.  God is good, all the time.

Third Step

There are 1,440 minutes in a day.  Today is one of those days where I'm living minute to minute.  That's all the farther I can project right now.  I'm also dog sitting for Patrick, one of Primo's litter mates, and at the moment I feel as though I can barely take care of myself, much less three dogs.  I don't think that anything in life can prepare you for the grief of losing a spouse or life partner.  You think that you are doing so well, then all of the sudden you are slammed by an emotion.  I think that within 5 minutes this morning I went from being okay to fear and anxiety to depression, to anger and back to depression.  As I was driving home, I was reminded of the 3rd step in AA. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. In my early days of sobriety, this was a tough one for me.  I would turn my life and will over to God, then in a minute of fear and anxiety, I would yank it back.  This happened quite often, until the third step became an instinctive way of life for me.  I think that I need to practice the third step daily in my grieving process.  At first I thought that some of these emotions came from the suddenness in how I lost Gar, things would have been different if I had more time to prepare myself.  Now I realize that there is no preparing yourself for losing a spouse, it happens and you are lost.  I am thankful for the discipline of the third step in AA, because I need to start practicing it again, and again.  If I look into the future on my own, all I see is a vast sea of emptiness and loneliness.  I am not sure where I am going to live and I know that there is a lot of loneliness.  If I turn it over to God, I am not afraid.  God has richly blessed me to this point in my life and is not going to stop blessing me now.  I just need to trust God and God's will for me.  So I stop, thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, pray for God's will, and leave it in God's hands.  God is good, all the time, even on those minute to minute days.

Mom was right!

So I'm back from vacation.  It was great seeing friends and I really had a good time.  The tough parts seemed to come in every day.  I really missed Gar, as he and I had so many wonderful trips together.  The hours in the car with Gar often turned into many discussions of many different things.  I think Annie is really tired of hearing my stories, but I couldn't help myself.  I needed to talk and share with someone.  I love reliving our memories.  I need to watch myself, or I soon won't have anyone left who wants to listen to me.  But I love talking and remember the many things, wonderful and not always wonderful, about Gar.

 I had a really cool experience yesterday while driving home, just outside Iowa City.  I was driving along, and for some reason, I started thinking about our wedding, remembering how cool it was to wear mom's dress, remembering how nervous and excited I was that day.  Then, on my iPod, one of the songs came on that my friend Glenndy sang at our wedding, "Through The Eyes of Love" .  Oh my, how the tears flowed, the memories came and it was beautifully bittersweet.  I remember my sister, Peg, crying because it was so beautiful.  She scared her daughter Amanda, 3 at the time, and Amanda didn't want to walk down the aisle, so her father led her down the aisle.  Jerry, you made an awesome flower girl!  Those are the memories that I love and that bring me comfort.

As I was driving, I had a lot of time to think.  I kept coming back to how right my mom was.  When my dad died, I kept trying to tell her, that I loved him and missed him too.  She kept getting mad and telling me that it wasn't the same.  It was very frustrating for me at the time, but now I totally understand.  Gar is being grieved by so many people, daughters, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends.  His death was a loss to each of them to varying degrees.  To me, Gar's death was more than just a loss of a husband, lover, friend.  He was my life.  Oh, I'm not going to throw myself sobbing to the floor and refuse to live, but Gar was my life.  Everything in my life was made better by having Gar in my life, and now I need to learn how move forward as a single person, not as part of a couple.  I really don't know how people who don't believe in God could handle this process.  Whenever I feel as though I cannot go any farther alone, I stop and pray.  I remember to thank God for 30 wonderful years, then I pray for strength.  I think that my unspoken prayer is for hope.  That seems to be the biggest thing missing in my life right now.  So I learn to walk forward with God, remembering Gar.  Oh, and one thing I thought I'd never say.  Mom, you were right.

The Roller Coaster

I think that one of the things that is the most exhausting about grief is the roller coaster of emotions that come each day.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Writing this blog is extremely helpful.  It gets me out of myself by writing down how I am feeling, and then examining it.  I've always enjoyed writing, but this has been different.

What will come as a shock to no one is that I am an extrovert.  I am learning that this is both a blessing and a curse.  It is was carried me through the Wake and the Funeral.  I love being in groups of people, always have, probably always will.  So I found the strength to get through those two days filled with people.  I had never realized before that during both of those processes, while people are comforting me, I am also comforting them.  A death as sudden as Gar's is a huge shock to everyone, and everyone, in one way or another is grieving, so we comfort each other with tears and with hugs and other expressions of love and support.  For days, I felt like I needed to hug everyone I saw.  I feel sorry for those of my daughters who are introverts, because in addition to grieving, those days of being around so many people are even more exhausting and draining for them.  I am grateful for everyone who was there both of those days.  It showed me how loved Gar was and my daughters and I are, by such a crossroads of people.  It gave me a lot of strength.

Yesterday was another day where being an extrovert was helpful.  I went to a lovely baby shower for my friend Kellie that was given by her mother-in-law Barb, another friend of mine.  Gar and I were both so excited for Kellie and Shawn when they announced that they were expecting!  It was so good to be surrounded by all of the excitement, love and joy that was there yesterday.  Then I went to a party at Mike and Elaine's house, with more friends.  I had not seen some of the people since Gar died, so that is always a little difficult and takes a great deal of energy, but again, being an extrovert carried me through that.  It was however, tough when I got home.  This big, empty house seems even bigger and emptier when I come home and Gar is not here.  I was thinking about that last night.  After a day like yesterday, Gar and I would come home, feed the dogs and settle into our chairs for a night of TV.  This was never a time of talking because after about five minutes, Gar would be asleep.  But he was there!  Last night it was just the dogs.  I honestly don't know if I will ever get used to that.  So I pray, and I thank God for thirty years with the man I love, and get ready for another day.

Four Weeks

It is morning, and the dogs have been emptied and fed, the routine that gets me out of bed every morning.  It's funny, I've been getting up much earlier now than I have in years, mostly because I seem to wake up and don't need to worry about waking Gar in the hours that he's finally sleeping.  Four weeks ago today, I got up, went through the normal morning routine, showered, got dressed and kissed my husband good-bye as I left for the business of the day.  A pretty typical summer Saturday, one of the last few before bowling started again.  The plans were to go shopping with the girls, come home, clean, do a little W/ELCA work, then have Annie over for dinner and a movie.  It didn't quite work out that way.

One of the problems I've been having in this process is revisiting that day.  When I came home and found Gar, it was shock and horror, the emotions that followed were even worse; anger, despair, fear, wanting my mother and father, disbelief, anger, fear.  At first, I could not cry, then the tears would not stop.  I remember Kari shaking as she was on the phone with 911, her poor body was shaking so hard that she hurt the next day.  I must have been shaking too, because I had body aches all over the next day too.  I don't remember a lot of details, but sometimes, the raw emotions hit me in the face as I walk out the door and stand in that space where I was locked in the grief.  I do remember at one point thinking about having a drink, to make it all go away.  I'm glad that I had that thought, because God in God's goodness reminded me how proud Gar was of my sobriety, and how it would not honor Gar's memory to begin drinking again.  Even after over 27 years of sobriety, those thoughts still come, but I thank God for my sobriety.  I remember worrying about the girls and how it would be for them.  I also remember the people who were there for me, holding me, helping me, praying for me; Judy Rath, Dick and Myrlette, Brenda, Pastor Brian, Jane Peters, the kids and grandkids, Gar's sisters and brother.  I was surrounded by love and support, yet so alone.  I also remember being angry at God, I remember being unable to pray, yet I remember being surrounded by God's love.  The dichotomy of emotions was overwhelming. 

I know that as I move forward in my life, my memories will begin to fade, yet I do not really want them to.  I know that I will go forward with life, alone, yet not alone.  So I stop, I pray and I give thanks for 30 years with Gar and the blessings, such as my children, that have come from that.

In a twinkling of an eye

The thing that I am having the hardest time with is how suddenly Gar died.  There was no warning, no indicators.  Kari and I were leaving to to the Farmer's Market with Annie.  I kissed him good-bye, told him jokingly that he should shower, told him I loved him and left for a morning with two of my daughters.  We came home, and he was gone.  When I found him, my first coherent thought was that my life would never be the same, and I was right.

I know that Jesus met him and carried in home.  God told me that the next day in a still, small voice in my heart.  This gives me joy.  What I struggle with is what were Gar's last seconds like.  Did he suffer?  Was he in pain?  Did he know?  I will not know those answers until Gar and I meet in heaven.  I will think of them occasionally, but I cannot dwell on them.  Again, it is one of those things, where all I can do is trust in God's wisdom and love God, know that Gar is with God now.  I take comfort in that Gar looked like he was sleeping, no indicators of pain or stress.  I also take comfort that Gar did not have a long, lingering illness. That would have made him very unhappy if he could not work with Isabella, bowl, dart, travel, all the things he loved to do.

Another part of the sudden passing that I struggle with is the fear of losing another loved one suddenly.  If kids get to my house later than I think they should be, I have to force myself to not call them.  If I can't find one of the dogs immediately, I panic.  Last night I actually shook Winky's kennel and woke her up because I hadn't heard any noise from her for a while.  Paid for that mistake for a few minutes.  I also worry that I will suddenly be called home and leave my children and grandchildren to deal with the pain before they have gotten over the grief and fear of losing their dad that way.  I refuse to let these fears define me, so I turn them over to God.

What gets me through all of this is that I know that God had a plan for Gar's life, and God has a plan for my life.  I give thanks to God that our plans intersected for 30 wonderful years.  I am also glad that those plans included all four of our daughters and all five of our grandchildren.  That is my joy nowadays.  Thank you God for the many blessings in my life.

Alone

I started this blog when Gar and I went to Australia in 2007 as a journal of our adventures in Australia and have revisited it periodically since this.  Now my life journey has changed as my husband, best friend, lover, travelling buddy and life partner has passed away.  He is missed, he is loved.  I am keeping his name on this blog because he will always be with me.  I am starting to re-blog (is that a word?) as a journal.  I'd like to say that the blogs will always be upbeat, but I would be lying.  I know that often there will be little rays of light, and they will grow more frequent as time passes.

I get out of bed alone every day because I know that God is carrying me and loving me.  I also know that Gar is in heaven with God looking down at me, when he's not playing with Primo.  I carry on and get things done because that is how I was raised.  God will give me strength for what needs to be done.

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I have had since the day that I found Gar dead at home.  It was a day where I felt so incredibly alone, and the future stretched out bleakly.  It was also one of the few days where, for a brief time, I could not control my crying.  It was also a day where I needed to take charge of some financial issues that only I could handle.  It was also the day where we went through the bulk of Gar's clothing and took care of that.  So, all in all, an overwhelming day.  God got me through it, and when I went to bed last night, I totally turned the loneliness over to God.  I am happy to say that when I got up this morning, I finished the paperwork and took care of the many memorials that we received in Gar's memory.  I know that Gar is looking down and is pleased, awed and amazed, as I am, by the outpouring of love.  I will be able to send very generous donations to Guide Dogs, American Blind Bowling Association and Cross of Hope, all in Gar's name.  If you are reading this (I really don't know how many people are really interested in blogs, and this is more for me) and you have a donation in Gar's name, thank you.  Those words are inadequate to describe what is in my heart, but they will have to do, because I can't find any others.  Another thing that overwhelms me is the the love and support that I have gotten from my family and friends.  I will be talking more about that as I go on, but it all means so much too, and again, it is one of those things that gets me through the day.

So today is another day with a lot of details.  I walk in strength from God and thanksgiving that I was given almost 30 years of marriage with a wonderful man.