I am sorry to be so negative today, but I need to get these feelings out. My house has grown, from a big, four bedroom home sitting on a acre in Ramsey, to a behemoth monster sitting in my head that has gotten so big that I can't even hand it off to God. The shade that this massive house casts has blocked off my grieving for Gar, the joy and happiness that I have been regaining in life, and many other emotions. It has made me feel more lonely and isolated, even though I have had wonderful friends who have been wonderful about helping me out. It also makes my stomach and back hurt.
I am getting things done there, but there is so much to be done. I just want out, financially, emotionally and must of all physically. My goal is to have everything out in 3 1/2 weeks, so that I have time to get my real estate agent Jess out, get final touches done, and have it almost ready to go before I leave for Charlotte, so that it can be listed while I am in Charlotte. Without a miracle, that isn't going to happen. I am moving forward with my plans for Charlotte, because I don't know what else I can do. I need to get away, but how much of a vacation can it be with that awful house hanging over my head.
As I lay, not sleeping last night, I did more thinking than necessary, but I couldn't shut my brain off. I realized that it's been a pattern in my life, whenever there's more than I can handle, I turn messy. The final weeks in this house are fitting that pattern totally. I did a lot of talking to God, even confessing my biggest sin of being totally afraid to trust God. Maybe if I can work harder on that, the rest will be easier.
The girls also have a lot of stuff to get out of the house, and their jobs and lives are so busy that they can't even do that. I still have one of their rooms that my handymen can't start painting until it is either organized or emptied. I don't know how to handle that because I can barely handle my own belongings that remain in that house. Again, something that needs to be turned over to God, yet I don't know how to trust God right now.
There is so much grief involved in this process. There is the ongoing grief for Gar, memories as I get rid of so many things in the house and grief over leaving the house. At the same time, I am becoming ready to move forward into the next stage of life that God has planned for me. I can't move forward with the house hanging around my neck. I know that I should go to some type of grief support group, but I don't have time, because of the house. So I continue to pray. Thank goodness God is a loving parent who keeps letting me come back in prayer. I also ask for and covet any prayers that you have on my behalf. I think that I can make it through this process, but only by the grace and help of God to lead me and guide me. God is good, all the time.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Happy Father's Day
To all men who have made in difference in the life of a child, yes I mean you too, Happy Father's Day. While today I continue to miss Gar, I hurt for my children. It's their first Father's Day without their father. All over, on TV and social media, people are remembering Father's Day, and it's like a little pain in your heart everytime you hear those words, because you don't have a dad to make the same wish to your father. In 1994 my father died on June 6, and I remember that Father's Day was one huge ache all day long. While it's been a little longer for my daughter's, it doesn't make the pain any less.
A year ago, all of the girls had to work, but we were able to do a quick lunch and get some bowling in with Annie and Kari before their afternoon shift. Gar did some really good bowling that day and was quite happy about it. He had a great day. Now here we are a year later, with plans for church, brunch, and then gathering at his family farm with two of his sisters to scatter some of his ashes. What a difference a year makes. It will be a small gathering, I really don't want to make a fuss, just return part of Gar to the fields that he worked so hard on.
As I said earlier, this marks the 20th anniversary of the year my father died. His death came after a six month battle with pancreatic cancer. I still miss my dad. He was a man who loved to have a good time, and the most important things in his life were his wife and his daughters. I still miss my daddy's hugs and the way he could talk away my fears.
As I sit here looking back on Father's Day, I must stop and pray and give thanks to my heavenly Father. It's because of God that I was able to move forward when dad died, and then when Gar died, because I knew that they were both home with God. Thank you God for those two wonderful men in my life. God is good, all the time. If you are able, go and hug your husband and your dad.
A year ago, all of the girls had to work, but we were able to do a quick lunch and get some bowling in with Annie and Kari before their afternoon shift. Gar did some really good bowling that day and was quite happy about it. He had a great day. Now here we are a year later, with plans for church, brunch, and then gathering at his family farm with two of his sisters to scatter some of his ashes. What a difference a year makes. It will be a small gathering, I really don't want to make a fuss, just return part of Gar to the fields that he worked so hard on.
As I said earlier, this marks the 20th anniversary of the year my father died. His death came after a six month battle with pancreatic cancer. I still miss my dad. He was a man who loved to have a good time, and the most important things in his life were his wife and his daughters. I still miss my daddy's hugs and the way he could talk away my fears.
As I sit here looking back on Father's Day, I must stop and pray and give thanks to my heavenly Father. It's because of God that I was able to move forward when dad died, and then when Gar died, because I knew that they were both home with God. Thank you God for those two wonderful men in my life. God is good, all the time. If you are able, go and hug your husband and your dad.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Looking for hope
Yesterday was another tough day. I don't know why, but Sunday afternoons and Sunday nights are my very worst day of the week, when I am at my lowest. It's odd, because I love church, and the day starts off with such a high, then it slides straight downhill. Last night was no exception to that. The excitement of the new camper has taken a back seat to the work that needs to be done to sell my house. I'm just stuck in a rut of work and saying good-bye to our house of 25 years. I'm also thinking that part of my problem in getting stuff done is trying to avoid that final good-bye. Yet that house is not my home anymore, it's an empty shell filled with memories.
So I get up this morning and decided that maybe if I did some blogging, some of the pressure inside would be relieved. I was all set to blog that I was feeling as if God had abandoned me. This was a new feeling to me, the first time that I had felt that since Gar died. Well, God had a little surprise for me. One of the bloggers that I like to follow is Timothy Siburg's. He was our Worship coordinator and choir director at our church for three years, and I value my friendship with him and his wife Allison. His blogs show up on my blogspot, and I was catching up on some of his blogs. He had shared Allison's post following the shootings at Seattle Pacific University. Timothy and Allison are Seattle natives. Allison wrote so beautifully about the horror of that event, and the four letter word that kept coming to her mind follow the event, the word hope. As I read her beautiful words, my mind was nudged by the Holy Spirit. It wasn't that God had abandoned me, it was that I had abandoned one of God's most precious gifts, hope.
Since Gar has died, probably one of my strongest emotions has been the feeling of hopelessness. I've been lonely and not sure what the future holds, really I don't have much hope for the future except for a long string of lonely days. So I googled how many times the word hope is used in the Bible, and it is over 125 times, depending on which version you read. I also found this verse from Romans 13:15 ~~Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit~~ So now it's time to change my prayers and my focus. Instead of focusing on missing Gar and focusing on how much I have to get done before I can sell my house, I will instead focus on hope, God's hope. Thank you Allison for giving me that word today, and your faithful reminder that God is hope.
So I get up this morning and decided that maybe if I did some blogging, some of the pressure inside would be relieved. I was all set to blog that I was feeling as if God had abandoned me. This was a new feeling to me, the first time that I had felt that since Gar died. Well, God had a little surprise for me. One of the bloggers that I like to follow is Timothy Siburg's. He was our Worship coordinator and choir director at our church for three years, and I value my friendship with him and his wife Allison. His blogs show up on my blogspot, and I was catching up on some of his blogs. He had shared Allison's post following the shootings at Seattle Pacific University. Timothy and Allison are Seattle natives. Allison wrote so beautifully about the horror of that event, and the four letter word that kept coming to her mind follow the event, the word hope. As I read her beautiful words, my mind was nudged by the Holy Spirit. It wasn't that God had abandoned me, it was that I had abandoned one of God's most precious gifts, hope.
Since Gar has died, probably one of my strongest emotions has been the feeling of hopelessness. I've been lonely and not sure what the future holds, really I don't have much hope for the future except for a long string of lonely days. So I googled how many times the word hope is used in the Bible, and it is over 125 times, depending on which version you read. I also found this verse from Romans 13:15 ~~Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit~~ So now it's time to change my prayers and my focus. Instead of focusing on missing Gar and focusing on how much I have to get done before I can sell my house, I will instead focus on hope, God's hope. Thank you Allison for giving me that word today, and your faithful reminder that God is hope.
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