Saturday thoughts

I thought that after Gar had been gone for a year, I would be done with Negative Nancy thoughts, yet they don't always go away.  A friend and neighbor who lives across the street is dying of stage four lung cancer.  I am having a tough time because I hurt so much for his wife.  It's the same emotions I went through with my friend Diane when her husband died.  I feel so helpless.  As much as I can pray for strength and comfort for her, I can't stop the pain and emptiness that her life will soon have.  It's hard for me to sit outside and see their house without flashing back to that dreary Saturday that Gar died.  But I push on and look for the positives in the day, and there are many.

First of all, forty years ago today my first niece, Amy was born.  What a great day, so much excitement in our family as a new generation began.  She is a great girl, as are her sisters.  Happy birthday Amy, I love you so much!

Today my friend's daughter Angie begins a new step in her life as she gets married to Sean.  It will be a fun night, filled with joy and laughter.  I look forward to sharing their start to their new life together.

This week has also been the start of a new chapter at Cross of Hope, as Pastor Jason begins his walk with us as our new pastor.  It's been just over two years since Pastor Fred left, and Pastor Brian became our interim.  Pastor Brian became a good friend and helped me through the toughest journey I have ever had to walk through, and I will always be grateful for his guidance, support and friendship during this time.  God bless him as he begins a new journey in his new congregation in Wisconsin.  I am excited to have Pastor Jason there, a new, fresh breath of the Holy Spirit is blowing through Cross of Hope, and I feel that God has great things in store for our church as we are open to God's spirit.

This week I also made my reservations for my first executive board meeting in Chicago in November.  We also received our committee assignments.  More reminders of the new plans that God has in store, and I eagerly await all that this means to me.

Mission accomplished, I just replaced one big negative with four positives.  Life is good, and I need to remember that I will often feel lonely and alone, but God is always there, and life is filled with much richness and goodness.  I thank God for thirty years with Gar and for all of the wonderful gifts that life still holds.  God is good, all the time!

Lonely

I woke up lonely in Statesville, NC this morning.  Tomorrow some of my friends will be arriving in Charlotte for the Triennial Convention and Gathering, and many more will be arriving on Monday.  Tomorrow I will also attend the ELCA congregation that I found in Statesville and be with fellow believers who may be strangers, yet we are all family.  But I still woke up lonely in Statesville today.

I'm alone in Statesville because I allowed extra time in my travels.  I didn't want to arrive late in Charlotte because of breakdowns or an extra day of travel.  But God was with me all of the way, and I arrived here safely.  I also allowed extra time so that I could decompress after a day of driving, so I continue to do that today, along with a week's worth of laundry.  It's been good traveling so far.  I continue to adjust to a life without Gar, the same is so true about traveling.  Gar and I had so many wonderful trips together, and I've remembered all of those trips this week.  I have also faced a lot of my fears this week, mostly fears of pulling a bigger camper.  God has been my pilot, and I have traveled through mountains and through pouring rain.  It's been good.  I have learned how to respect my camper when I pull it and not be afraid.  

Last night in my dreams I remember crying because I missed Gar.  This is the first dream that I can remember where I've dreamt that Gar has been gone.  I think that is part of why I woke up so lonely.  But I was immediately reminded of one thing.  While I wake up lonely, I am never alone.  God is always with me.  What an amazing feeling.  I went into my email and first read my verse of the day.  This is the verse that was in my inbox....Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.~~Isaiah 41:10.  How awesome is that!!  Then I went on to my daily Bible readings and there was Psalm 23.  Wow, God is with me and I am not alone!  We'll see what God has in the plans for me today, other than laundry.  I am not afraid of my day anymore.  God is good, all the time.

I don't know how much more I can handle

I am sorry to be so negative today, but I need to get these feelings out.  My house has grown, from a big, four bedroom home sitting on a acre in Ramsey, to a behemoth monster sitting in my head that has gotten so big that I can't even hand it off to God.  The shade that this massive house casts has blocked off my grieving for Gar, the joy and happiness that I have been regaining in life, and many other emotions.  It has made me feel more lonely and isolated, even though I have had wonderful friends who have been wonderful about helping me out.  It also makes my stomach and back hurt.

I am getting things done there, but there is so much to be done.  I just want out, financially, emotionally and must of all physically.  My goal is to have everything out in 3 1/2 weeks, so that I have time to get my real estate agent Jess out, get final touches done, and have it almost ready to go before I leave for Charlotte, so that it can be listed while I am in Charlotte.  Without a miracle, that isn't going to happen.  I am  moving forward with my plans for Charlotte, because I don't know what else I can do.  I need to get away, but how much of a vacation can it be with that awful house hanging over my head.

As I lay, not sleeping last night, I did more thinking than necessary, but I couldn't shut my brain off.  I realized that it's been a pattern in my life, whenever there's more than I can handle, I turn messy.  The final weeks in this house are fitting that pattern totally.  I did a lot of talking to God, even confessing my biggest sin of being totally afraid to trust God.  Maybe if I can work harder on that, the rest will be easier.

The girls also have a lot of stuff to get out of the house, and their jobs and lives are so busy that they can't even do that.  I still have one of their rooms that my handymen can't start painting until it is either organized or emptied.  I don't know how to handle that because I can barely handle my own belongings that remain in that house.  Again, something that needs to be turned over to God, yet I don't know how to trust God right now.

There is so much grief involved in this process.  There is the ongoing grief for Gar, memories as I get rid of so many things in the house and grief over leaving the house.  At the same time, I am becoming ready to move forward into the next stage of life that God has planned for me.  I can't move forward with the house hanging around my neck.  I know that I should go to some type of grief support group, but I don't have time, because of the house.  So I continue to pray.  Thank goodness God is a loving parent who keeps letting me come back in prayer.  I also ask for and covet any prayers that you have on my behalf.  I think that I can make it through this process, but only by the grace and help of God to lead me and guide me.  God is good, all the time.

Happy Father's Day

To all men who have made in difference in the life of a child, yes I mean you too, Happy Father's Day.  While today I continue to miss Gar, I hurt for my children.  It's their first Father's Day without their father.  All over, on TV and social media, people are remembering Father's Day, and it's like a little pain in your heart everytime you hear those words, because you don't have a dad to make the same wish to your father.  In 1994 my father died on June 6, and I remember that Father's Day was one huge ache all day long.  While it's been a little longer for my daughter's, it doesn't make the pain any less.

A year ago, all of the girls had to work, but we were able to do a quick lunch and get some bowling in with Annie and Kari before their afternoon shift.  Gar did some really good bowling that day and was quite happy about it.  He had a great day.  Now here we are a year later, with plans for church, brunch, and then gathering at his family farm with two of his sisters to scatter some of his ashes.  What a difference a year makes.  It will be a small gathering, I really don't want to make a fuss, just return part of Gar to the fields that he worked so hard on.

As I said earlier, this marks the 20th anniversary of the year my father died.  His death came after a six month battle with pancreatic cancer.  I still miss my dad.  He was a man who loved to have a good time, and the most important things in his life were his wife and his daughters.  I still miss my daddy's hugs and the way he could talk away my fears.

As I sit here looking back on Father's Day, I must stop and pray and give thanks to my heavenly Father.  It's because of God that I was able to move forward when dad died, and then when Gar died, because I knew that they were both home with God.  Thank you God for those two wonderful men in my life.  God is good, all the time.  If you are able, go and hug your husband and your dad.

Looking for hope

Yesterday was another tough day.  I don't know why, but Sunday afternoons and Sunday nights are my very worst day of the week, when I am at my lowest.  It's odd, because I love church, and the day starts off with such a high, then it slides straight downhill.  Last night was no exception to that.  The excitement of the new camper has taken a back seat to the work that needs to be done to sell my house.  I'm just stuck in a rut of work and saying good-bye to our house of 25 years.  I'm also thinking that part of my problem in getting stuff done is trying to avoid that final good-bye.  Yet that house is not my home anymore, it's an empty shell filled with memories.

So I get up this morning and decided that maybe if I did some blogging, some of the pressure inside would be relieved.  I was all set to blog that I was feeling as if God had abandoned me.  This was a new feeling to me, the first time that I had felt that since Gar died.  Well, God had a little surprise for me.  One of the bloggers that I like to follow is Timothy Siburg's.  He was our Worship coordinator and choir director at our church for three years, and I value my friendship with him and his wife Allison. His blogs show up on my blogspot, and I was catching up on some of his blogs.  He had shared Allison's post following the shootings at Seattle Pacific University.  Timothy and Allison are Seattle natives.  Allison wrote so beautifully about the horror of that event, and the four letter word that kept coming to her mind follow the event, the word hope.  As I read her beautiful words, my mind was nudged by the Holy Spirit.  It wasn't that God had abandoned me, it was that I had abandoned one of God's most precious gifts, hope.

Since Gar has died, probably one of my strongest emotions has been the feeling of hopelessness.  I've been lonely and not sure what the future holds, really I don't have much hope for the future except for a long string of lonely days.  So I googled how many times the word hope is used in the Bible, and it is over 125 times, depending on which version you read.  I also found this verse from Romans 13:15 ~~Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit~~  So now it's time to change my prayers and my focus.  Instead of focusing on missing Gar and focusing on how much I have to get done before I can sell my house, I will instead focus on hope, God's hope.  Thank you Allison for giving me that word today, and your faithful reminder that God is hope.  

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day.  But, it's not only Mother's Day today.  It's also Gar's 69th birthday, only he's not here to celebrate it with me today.  When Annie and Kari were small, Gar and I always had an agreement that on Mother's Day, Father's Day or one of our birthday's, the person being honored did not do any child care, mostly diapers.  It was our joke that when Gar's birthday fell on Mother's Day, the kids stayed wet all day.  

As a family, we all continue to grieve Gar's death, yet being the individuals we are, we have each done it in our own ways.  I don't know if this is normal for all families, and sometimes I feel as though we are falling apart as a family.  I pray that that is not the case, and that soon we will pull together as we realize that all that we have is each other.  I am so grateful to all of my children and grandchildren, and I love them all so much.  I also know how much Gar loved each of his girls and grandchildren, and was so proud of them.  I pray that they may always remember that. 

It's also alway tough on Mother's Day without my mom.  This is my third Mother's Day without her.  This year has been especially tough.  So many times I have wanted to tell my mom that now I understand what she went through after my dad died.  Love you mom! 

It's been a tough week for me as I tried to have a moving sale at my house.  The turnout was lousy, but that meant nothing.  The hardest part was getting rid of things that have been part of my life for so long.  It's kind of funny, but the pieces that some people come in and see as useless have so many memories attached for me.  This week I need to do some organizing so that work can be done at my house while I'm on vacation.  I really hope that I can get enough in me to get it done.  Moving out of my house is harder than I thought it would be.  It has been such a good home to us for the last twenty five years.

As I re-read this, I realize one thing.  I could not even get out of bed in the morning if I didn't know how much God loves and carries me.  Through my breakdowns, tears and dark thoughts, God's light keep shining through.  At Gar's funeral, the gospel was John 1:1-5.  When I chose that, Pastor Brian looked at me and said "it's not really a funeral reading" and I said, "but I still want it."  This verse is why "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it".  This was true of Gar's life and how he lived after his accident.  It is now true of my life and how I have lived since Gar's death.  God is good, all the time.  Thank you God for putting Gar in my life.

Nine Months

Nine months ago my world was turned upside down when I returned home from an outing with Annie and Kari and found that Gar had passed away while we were gone.  At some times it doesn't seem very real and at other times it is painfully real.  I have learned several things, and while it is reinforcement of what I have known all of my life, it is still been a huge learning process for me.

First and foremost, I know that God is in charge of my life.  God is a good and loving God, and life is much easier when I place it in God's hands.  Secondly  I have learned that while the grief changes over time, it  will always be with me.  It is my choice to either go with the flow or be bitter about it.  Being bitter will not bring Gar back, so go with the flow it is.  Gar will always be with me, and he left me beautiful gifts in our four daughters.  The other gift that God, and Gar gave me are the gift of my memories.  I have so many wonderful memories of our thirty years together, and no one can take those away.  So many things can trigger so many wonderful memories.  More often than not, they trigger wonderful memories instead of tears.

On Sunday, when it was exactly nine months was a good day.  In the morning, I was honored to become a Godparent to Angel Blessed Livingston, a baby that was born to a couple at our church.  It is such a privilege to be part of this little girl's life.  It was a full circle day for me.

Yesterday I learned that I'm not as strong as I thought.  Winky was spayed yesterday, and there were several other stressors during that day.  I thought that I was doing better, then that knocked me right down.  It caught me by surprise because I have always been able to handle days with a lot of stress, and yesterday I just fell apart.  Thank goodness God was there to pick me back up.  Thanks to everyone who prayed me through last night.  I am learning that for a while I need to be a little gentler with myself.

Well, this blog was a lot of rambling, but that's okay.  It's my way of journaling.  In many ways my life has begun again, so I watch myself grow with God.  I do know that God is good all the time, and God is always there with us.  Thank you God!

Life, it's everywhere

So many random thoughts running around in my head, I thought I'd try to capture some.  In two weeks, it will be nine months since Gar died.  The first six dragged so slow and the last three have really flown by.  Nine months is gestation time in humans, so let's see what has gestated in the last nine months in my fertile mind.

First of all I have learned that grief is everything they say it is, and it rarely goes away.  It's always there waiting to upset your day in one of it's many manifestations.  But grief is not as bad as everyone thinks it is.  It forces you to confront basic feelings that need to be dealt with .  In the first few days and weeks after Gar died,  I learned that the sharpness of the pain reminds you that even though the person you loved so deeply is dead, you are still alive.  But for me the best part of grief, yes there is a best part, is that it forces me to reach out to God in order to move on.  I don't know how people make it through the grieving process without God.  God loves us and carries us.  A few weeks ago, Pastor Brian reminded us in his sermon that Jesus wept.  Jesus has experienced the loss of loved ones and knows our pain.  That helps in the healing, but because when the pain is too great, I know that I can turn it over to God.  There is also the knowing that Gar is with God and that we will be together one day.

Another thing that has happened is that I am more sharply aware of how death affects people.  When I hear on the news of people dying suddenly, I often stop what I'm doing a say a prayer for the family.  I had never experienced an extremely sudden death like Gar's, and now I know what a different pain that is, but either way it doesn't matter.  Someone has still lost a loved one.  I have a friend whose husband has terminal cancer.  I hurt for both of them and pray daily for both of them.  I follow them in his Caring Bridge site, and their faith and trust in God is amazing.  They are also truly living out the saying that cancer is the long good-bye. I pray that I can be there for her and she reaches out for me when the time comes.  Now is when they need to be together as they are.  I also learned yesterday that some cancer has recurred in a high school classmate.  I hurt for her, her husband, her children and her friends, and I pray that they are able to stop it again.  Yet another friend of mine is coming up on the year anniversary of her husband's death.  I know that she misses him every day, and I pray that she will be strengthened in his love, God's love, the love of her family and the love of her friends.

The last thing that I am sharing today is how I am learning to live each day.  This week is Holy Week, and we are looking at the final days of Jesus' ministry and time here on earth.  To me, this is always a reminder of the great sacrifice that Jesus made for us in order that we might live.  Therefore, we are to make to most out of each day.  No matter how great out loss is, life is still amazing.  For me, a lot of the joy and fun is returning to life, and I really enjoy that.  Gar may be gone, but I am still surrounded by my children, grandchildren and friends, and for that I give thanks.  God is good, all the time.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

Finally, a day where 70 degrees is a real possibility.  As I write this, I am sitting next to an open window and it feels wonderful. I am also enjoying the new desk with all of it's wonderful organization possibilities.   I got some big decisions made today, and am feeling fairly good about it.

This first thing done was to order a stone for Gar's grave.  I found a really nice company in Anoka, and she was very helpful.  I am keeping the design a secret until the stone is installed.  I am really happy with it, and the lady was very helpful.  It will be put on the grave before Memorial Day, as soon as the ground is ready,

The other decision is on my move.  I had a self imposed deadline of having everything out of the house in Ramsey by May 4th. I am learning that this deadline is unrealistic.  I work on it every day, but seem to be unable to get as much done as needs to be done to achieve this deadline.    I work on the house each day, but it is harder than I anticipated.  I get overwhelmed by the amount of work, the memories and the quickly approaching self imposed deadline, then I do a mini shutdown.   So today I decided that I will keep on working, and it will get done when it gets done.Maybe this will free me to get more done.

A huge part of getting my house ready involves some of the details that Gar and I were unable to do while we lived there.  There are also the necessary repairs that are needed after 25 years in a house.  I have been truly blessed to find two wonderful handymen.  They are taking care of all that needs to be done, and doing some things for  Liz and I at Liz's house.  They are hard workers and they have an amazing work ethic, taking pride in all that they do.  They are also very respectful of my budget.  I have thanked God for them several times during this process.  Thanks to Ruth too for recommending them.

So, as you see, it's baby steps, but I am learning how to be proud of baby steps.  I know that I take this baby steps with God holding me up and it is all in God's plans.  God is good, all the time.

Deep breaths

Breathe in God, breathe out anxiety, breathe in God, breathe out anxiety.  For the second day in a row I've been hit by a panic attack and missing Gar.  This grieving process is so odd, and so unpredictable, it's frustrating.  Here I am, doing my best to keep my life on track and moving forward when for no reason at all I take two steps back.  Yesterday I was driving home from the bowling tournament and all of the sudden I am so anxious about Gar being gone.  I kept driving and praying "God help me work through it".  Today I was driving along and all of the sudden I was panicked about whether or not Gar was in pain and whether or not he knew that he was leaving me along before it happened, then all of the sudden I started to panic about not seeing him until I join him one day, I hope in the distant future.  While I don't understand it at all, I've got a sneaking suspicion about why they happen.  When Gar died, at first it was like a scab that had been ripped off of my whole body, the pain was awful.  Then the pain settling into a dull throbbing in my consciousness, always there.  Now I am reaching a point where my feelings are becoming more back to normal,  feeling normal joy over things, starting to look ahead in the future, making positive moves toward all of this.  Then all of the sudden the pain comes back and surprises me, and I panic.  Kind of like getting a cast removed and learning to use the part that was broken.  Usually when this hits, it's followed by anger with Gar and with God.  Thank goodness our God is a loving God who helps us through our anger.  So I pause and pray, and breathe in God, breathe out anxiety.  God is good, all the time.  

March Madness

Ever since Gar started bowling, our form of March Madness has been the Midwest Blind Bowling Tournament.  This year the MBBA tournament was in Chicago.  It has been a great weekend.  Annie and Kari started bowling on the league this year and came to the tournament.  When they were little, we used to take them out of school to attend these tournaments, so they are old pros at the tournament scene.  This year they came and had a lot of fun.  I know that Gar was looking down with a big smile on his face, watching them interact with all of our blind bowling friends.  I missed Gar so many times, but was so comforted by the many people who were friends of Gar's on this league who would stop and tell me how much they missed him and what a great guy he was. One of the best parts of going to a tournament is being able to hang around with all of our friends from Pittsburgh and other cities, especially our friends Maggi and Bob.  I wish that I could just pack Maggi in my suitcase and bring her home with me.  Gar was talked about and remembered, and we had lots of laughs over some of our past tournaments together.  I could feel Gar's smiling presence the entire time.  A couple of times, waves of loneliness would sweep over me, but I'd stop, pray and move on.  Overall, it was a bittersweet time, but not as difficult as I had anticipated.

The March Madness that I will return home to is the renovations going on in preparation of getting my house on the market.  I am very blessed in the fact that I found a couple of handymen who I could trust, so they were busy working at my house while I was playing in Chicago.  When I get home, I will really have to crank it up.  We have a roll off for renovation trash, and I need to take advantage of it and get a lot of my excess garbage in it.  So it's going to be a busy week.  There are many times during this process that I get overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, fright and loneliness.  When this happens, I have learned to let it go through tears and prayers.  I came to a huge life realization a couple of weeks ago.  When Dad died and life moved on, I had God, Gar and Mom to rely on.  When Mom died, I had God and Gar to rely on.  Now that Gar has died, it is just me and God.  In order to move on with life, I needed to fully realize that it is only God and I.  Don't get me wrong, my kids and grandkids are fantastic, but I can't count on them to do the things in my daily life, it's not their job.  They are all living their lives as Gar and I raised them to live them, and I do not want to be a burden.  So it's just me and God, and realizing this has freed me up a lot.  God is so good, and I can call on God at any time!!  So I move on in this March Madness walking with God.  What a way to walk!! God is good, all the time

Ash Wednesday

So I'm just home from Ash Wednesday service at church and I'm exhausted.  I forget from year to year how draining Ash Wednesday services can be when you are an assisting minister for both services.  I love and dread Ash Wednesday and the season of Lent.  It's my time of introspection and reflection.  Some of the wilderness journeys are harder than others.  This year I had a feeling of apprehension that I have not had before.  The last seven months have been a wilderness journey for me like I have never had before.  A part of me fears that I will experience something else, and I just don't have the strength.  I'm lonely and I'm low tonight, so all I can do is through myself in the arms of God and pray for strength and endurance.  I wanted to blog this tonight because I want to capture it, and on Easter Sunday I want to be able look back and see the joy in the Resurrection.  I do know that because of the end of the Lenten story, I will stand with God and be with Gar again.  This does give me hope.

There was another thing that was going on tonight.  I felt like God was tickling the edge of my consciousness, a tantalizing thought, just out of my grasp that I could not see.  So I wait patiently.  And so the Lenten journey begins, a time of darkness and yet the promise of hope.  A time of Christ's great sacrifice and our great gain.  I know that I do not walk alone, I walk with God, and for this I give thanks.

Getting things ready

Yup, back blogging again.  I determined this morning that I need to be able to have a safe place to release some of my stress, and to me, this is a safe place.  Be warned that today I am feeling a bit of the "Negative Nancy", so if you want to quit reading now, I don't blame you.

Today is the beginning of the two month drive to get this house emptied and ready to stage for sale.  This day didn't just sneak up on me, I've known it was coming for a long time.  The problem is that I spent a large part of January and February feeling sorry for myself and not getting anything done.  This weekend I realized that it is just two months until May 1, so I'd better get my fanny in gear.  I am blessed in the fact that I found two handymen to get the bigger stuff done, but other than that I am on my own.  Nobody is going to get it done if Nancy doesn't get it started.  There's a lot of work to be done, and a lot of sadness as I get ready to move from the place that has been home for our family for the last twenty-five years.

I've decided that over the next two months, I am going to look back  on our family history in this house and write it down, in case kids or grandkids want to know, and then it will be saved here.  Today I will start with how we found the house.

We left south Minneapolis on April 1, 1986 and moved to Coon Rapids where we rented a small two bedroom bungalow.  It was good space for a family of four, and Jen and Liz would come every other weekend.  We were told the the house was going to be sold, and would we be interested in buying it.  We were seriously considering it when we found out that Jen and Liz would be coming to live with us on a regular basis and we needed more room.  So the house hunt started.  We knew that the market would be limited as we would need special consideration for financing, aka our credit sucked.  One day I found an "owner will finance" home in the Anoka County Union.  We went and looked, and it was in the process of being built.  The owner was a very fatherly sort who was willing to carry a contract for deed with little down.  We had Gar's aunt Diane look it over.  She thought it looked good, and we decided to buy the house.  I will always be convinced that God was the true realtor in this whole deal.  We were a block from Cross of Hope Lutheran Church.  What I did not realize when we moved to this house was that we would gain a family at Cross of Hope and that my faith life, and my sobriety would grow so much from all that I learned there.  Gar, our daughters and I created many wonderful memories in this house, memories that I will treasure all of my life.  But now it's time to move on in many ways.  First and foremost, it will be a relief to get rid of the mortgage.  Secondly, I would not be a good steward if I were to stay in this house that is designed for a family, with just me and my dogs.  I trust that God will find the right family for this house, and I pray that they may have as many wonderful years as we have had.

Moving On

Wow, just looked at this and realized that I hadn't blogged since last year.  Oh wait, that's only two weeks.  Seems a lot longer.  As I write this morning, the cat's on the table, having overcome her trauma of her most hated dog last night, Kirby is at my feet, as usual and Winky is running, playing with toys and being busy, as usual.  All in all, a typical morning.  Going to church  later this morning with Kellie, so it's a later start than usual.

I titled this post moving on, and that is probably going to be the theme for this year.  I met with a realtor this week, and my goal is to be out of here and living at Liz's by May 1st.  Then floors will be dealt with, carpet, painting etc and the house will be staged for sale. It was a good meeting.  Our niece, Jess, is going to be my realtor.  I feel really confident with her.  She assured me that overall, it wasn't a bad house.  It needs work, but with a lot of cleaning from me and a few other things done, it will probably sell for the price that I want.  I wasn't really surprised by what she said, and for the most part our lists were the same.  I guess that watching all of that HGTV paid off.  Now I just need to find people I trust to work with me and get this house ready to sell.  My blog will probably be a journal of the trials and tribulations of all of this.

I had Annie, Kari and Liz over to dinner last night to fill them in on all of the plans.  I went to bed with very mixed emotions after that.  I understand that they are all upset over another piece of their childhood stability  not being around any more, but it was the rest of their reactions that had me upset.  They kept questioning me whether or not it was worth it to "put the money" into fixing up this house.  It left me with two possibilities as to the intent of those questions.  Either a) they think I am really naive and gullible about this house, or b) the generation that my children live in are really the "disposable generation" where if it's not perfect, don't work on it to make it better.  Either one is upsetting.  While this house is not the most beautiful, or the cleanest in Ramsey, it's been a good home, lots of memories and twenty five years of family love.  God found it for us at a time that we really needed it.  I have had things done, which Jess assured me were the right things to have done, and it's really not in that bad of shape.  My prayer is that the next family that lives here will be happy too.

I know that these next few months are not going to be easy.  It's not only the work, but the emotions.  I am trusting God to help me find the right people to get the tasks done.  I am trusting the girls for the help and support that I need.  I know that I have a lot of friends who are willing to help if I ask them, I just don't want to burn them out.  I will not miss the mortgage payments or living in this huge house all by myself with two small dogs and a cat.  Then there are the memories.  Gar and I lived her and raised our family here.  We've had revolving doors, that if the kids need someplace to come back too, we've been here.  There has been a lot of love and laughter here too.  It's a good house.  I am not going to get overwhelmed by my grief.  Instead, I stop and thank God for finding this house for us, and for giving me Gar and our children.  I also ask for your prayers, because they give me extra strength, and I am going to need all of that I can find.  God is good, all the time.