I am sorry to be so negative today, but I need to get these feelings out. My house has grown, from a big, four bedroom home sitting on a acre in Ramsey, to a behemoth monster sitting in my head that has gotten so big that I can't even hand it off to God. The shade that this massive house casts has blocked off my grieving for Gar, the joy and happiness that I have been regaining in life, and many other emotions. It has made me feel more lonely and isolated, even though I have had wonderful friends who have been wonderful about helping me out. It also makes my stomach and back hurt.
I am getting things done there, but there is so much to be done. I just want out, financially, emotionally and must of all physically. My goal is to have everything out in 3 1/2 weeks, so that I have time to get my real estate agent Jess out, get final touches done, and have it almost ready to go before I leave for Charlotte, so that it can be listed while I am in Charlotte. Without a miracle, that isn't going to happen. I am moving forward with my plans for Charlotte, because I don't know what else I can do. I need to get away, but how much of a vacation can it be with that awful house hanging over my head.
As I lay, not sleeping last night, I did more thinking than necessary, but I couldn't shut my brain off. I realized that it's been a pattern in my life, whenever there's more than I can handle, I turn messy. The final weeks in this house are fitting that pattern totally. I did a lot of talking to God, even confessing my biggest sin of being totally afraid to trust God. Maybe if I can work harder on that, the rest will be easier.
The girls also have a lot of stuff to get out of the house, and their jobs and lives are so busy that they can't even do that. I still have one of their rooms that my handymen can't start painting until it is either organized or emptied. I don't know how to handle that because I can barely handle my own belongings that remain in that house. Again, something that needs to be turned over to God, yet I don't know how to trust God right now.
There is so much grief involved in this process. There is the ongoing grief for Gar, memories as I get rid of so many things in the house and grief over leaving the house. At the same time, I am becoming ready to move forward into the next stage of life that God has planned for me. I can't move forward with the house hanging around my neck. I know that I should go to some type of grief support group, but I don't have time, because of the house. So I continue to pray. Thank goodness God is a loving parent who keeps letting me come back in prayer. I also ask for and covet any prayers that you have on my behalf. I think that I can make it through this process, but only by the grace and help of God to lead me and guide me. God is good, all the time.
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A suggestion - get a company to come box it up and put it all in a storage unit temporarily. You can go through it at your leisure then and can work on the physical details of getting the house ready to go on the market without worrying about all the "stuff" that still has to be gone through. Not the best way to handle it, money-wise anyway, but probably the most practical at this point. I wish I were there to help you! Will be praying for you.
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