God's Promise

18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength ~~Ephesians 1:18-20

I posted those words on my Facebook page today, and I decided that I needed them here.  I need those words and that promise today.  Yesterday was a tough one.  It was two months since Gar died, and it was harder than I thought it would be.  In a lot of ways, the first 2-3 weeks following Gar's death were easier than the last 2-3 weeks have been.  I think it's because in those first few days, I was numb, I couldn't think and I functioned on auto-pilot.  The anesthesia has worn off, and the reality has set in.  I have always heard about "the grief process", and I have been through it several times in my life, but this grief process is unlike any that I have been through, probably because this is the biggest grief I have ever been through.  I am still amazed at the tears.  Sometimes they just keep coming and coming.  I have been told that the number of tears shed shows how much a person was loved.  If that is the case, Gar was very loved.  

I also laid awake a lot last night, searching for the elusive cloak of sleep.  What finally got me to sleep was just praying for strength.  God answered my prayers and I slept.  Then I awoke this morning and did my daily bible reading.  Those words were in my daily reading this morning.  Talk about prayers answered.  I needed to see those words this morning to be reminded that the strength that God will give me to get through this grieving process and move on to life without Gar.  So I remind myself of God's great strength, give thanks for 30 years with Gar and start another day with God's promise.  God is good, all the time!

Who Am I?

Lately I really don't know myself.  I changed on July 27, 2013, between 12:30 and 1:00 in the afternoon.  At that point, my life stopped and restarted, and I am not the same person.  I remember standing outside in a state of shock, and all I could think was Oh my God, I am a widow and an orphan.  I spent a lot of time that first day dwelling on the fact that I was a widow.  It was a role that I never anticipated in my life, Gar was the healthy one in our relationship.  Now thankfully, I am able to focus on being a mother and a grandmother, but I still go back to the fact that I am a widow, alone.  When my mom died, three years ago, I spent time thinking about being an orphan, but it was something that Gar and I had in common, so we would hold each other, and love each other, and life would resume.  Now I stop and pray, and thank God for thirty years with Gar, and life resumes.

People tell me I am a strong woman.  I am not a strong woman, I am a woman with a strong faith.  There is a big difference.  Thought I did not know it immediately after Gar died, before I went to bed that night, I knew that God was there holding me.  As in the Footsteps poem, I was being carried, I still am.  I love God, and I know that there are certain gifts that God has given me, gifts I am called on to use.  One of them is doing this blog.  I have received many compliments, and some people have told me that it helps them when they read it.  It is not me, it is God working through me.  As far as the other parts of my "strength", it is how I was raised, you face what you need to face and then you get moving.  I watched my mom be a widow for fourteen years, and I learned a lot from that.  What I mostly learned is that you just keep on going, it doesn't do any good to sit around and feel sorry for yourself.   I still have days where I feel sorry for myself, but I give myself permission to have days like that, then the next day I move on.

The primary reason that I say that I don't know myself, is that there is a big hole in my soul.  It is the hole that was filled with me loving Gar, and Gar loving me.  Sometimes when I look at myself, I don't even know myself.  I did not realize until lately how joy based I basically am.  I have always loved life, especially since I quit clouding it with alcohol.  There is usually a part of me that is happy.  Joy has been sneaking through my grief lately, but it is different.  I don't know how to describe it.  There is a sadness in my joy.  I know that it sounds contradictory, but it's true.  I am not the same.  I don't quite understand it, but each day it gets a little better.  So I continue to trust in God, give thanksgiving for thirty years with Gar, and keep on with each day.  God is good, all the time.

Lonely versus alone

Yesterday I became aware of the difference between lonely and alone.  I had the annual Gathering for the Minneapolis Area Synod, Women of the ELCA this weekend, and it was wonderful.  The music was inspiring, the speakers were great and I was enfolded by the love, sympathy and support of so many women. God was truly there, and believe me, God was in every detail.  Gar's death came in during the last seven weeks before our event, and if you've ever helped plan an event, you know how critical those seven weeks are.  God sent so many people to help with the needs that I either forgot or just seemed unable to do.  I am so thankful for all of the women and men who helped us with this event.  While Gar was never at these events, he was always there in spirit, supporting me in the details and cheering me on when it finished.  It was interesting how on Friday night when I got back to my hotel room, I almost reached for the phone to tell him how the first day went and to see how he bowled.  This has always been my practice.  However, I did realize on the way home, that for the first time, Gar got to see one of these events in action, because I know that God was there and gave Gar an audience.

So anyhow, the convention ended, my friend Jackie was safely on her plane, and I was alone.  I packed up, ate breakfast and drove home.  I knew that Kari was going to the Vikings game, so she was not in my plans, but I did have plans for getting together with Liz and Annie at church, and then brunch.  Well, for various reasons they both cancelled on me, then the tears began.  I picked up the dogs, talked to Liz for a while, took the dogs for a walk, and then I was home, alone AND lonely.  So I had a lot of time to think.  I started thinking about the house, again.  Boy, I sure keep taking that one back from God.  I also started just worrying about unseen things in the future.  Took that one back too.  As the day went on, for the first time, I consciously thought about being lonely and being alone.

I have been lonely many times, even when Gar was alive.  Loneliness is an interesting and usually temporary feeling that can be relieved finding someone to talk to, praying or finding something to do.  Alone is totally different.  If you look in the dictionary, the two are almost the same by definition.  However, if you look in the bible, Genesis 2:18, God says it is not good that man should be alone.  Not lonely, alone.  In my definition, being alone is just that, alone.  It means that I am the only one to make decisions, and in some aspects, I am often the only one affected by any decisions that I make. It also means that even though I have children and grandchildren whom I dearly love, it still comes down to just me at the end of the day.  Gar and I had a shared decision making marriage.  Most of the major things were discussed and decided by the two of us.  We also supported each other in everything we did, alone or together.  Now I walk alone.  There is good news in this is that I really do not walk alone, because our Triune God walks with me, or carries me when necessary.  The other good news is that Gar is with God, so Gar is with me too.  This helps me to go on, because if I was truly alone, I could not go forward.  So I stop, and I thank God for thirty years of being with Gar and not being alone, and I pray for God to walk with me another day.

Moving on

Since Gar died, I've been in a holding pattern, keeping busy, doing things that need to be done.  This week will be different.  I know that I will truly never move on, but this week will be a week that is busy, and a type of busyness that I'm used to, my Women of the ELCA things.  Doing work to give God the glory for God's rich love of us.

This is my fourth convention since coming president of the Minneapolis Area Synod Women of the ELCA.  Through the other three conventions, Gar always supported me.  He would listen to me worry about things to be done, and he would be there when it was over.  He was always my biggest encourager and cheerleader, as I was his.  We were each huge fans of the other's accomplishments.

Getting to this point in this year's convention has been a struggle.  Things were moving on an okay basis, though everyone on the board was grieving the events of the past year, especially me.  We had lost several board members in different ways, so it has been a lot of work and as I look back now, a lot of grieving.  Thankfully, some of the women on our board grieve through action, unfortunately I am not one of them. Even more thankfully, God is always there, meeting our every need.  It seems as though, following the day that Gar died, getting my head around the convention has been difficult.  I am blessed to be working with women who have been picking up the pieces that I have been unable to carry.  Women placed in my life by God.  So, are things exactly as I would like them to be for our convention, no.  Am I confident that our convention will be a success, yes.  Why?  Because God is in control, and will help us get done what needs to be done, and the women who will be there are the women whom God wanted there.

I am a little nervous about next Monday when everything is over.  There is a natural high in this type of event, especially for an extrovert like me.  I know that many things will carry me through the weekend; seeing friends, singing, sharing, listening to amazing speakers, so many fun things.  In the past, one of the other highlights of the Gathering was to come home, be part of of big hug with Gar, and then share every detail of the weekend with Gar.  Even if he was paying closer to football than he was to me, he was there, listening, sharing and smiling with me.  So this year I will come home, thank God for 30 years together with Gar and share the highs and lows of the weekend with my dogs.  They are good listeners too.  I know that there will be the inevitable letdown, but I also know God will hold me through it.  So if anyone reading this has any prayers for the Gathering they will be appreciated.  Our theme is "We Rejoice in God's Love for Us; Live, Laugh, Love.  It will truly be a time of that.  God is good, all the time.

Cars

It's funny how the littlest things can affect you.  When Gar and I were first married, every time there was a car problem, even an oil change, it usually became a crisis, simply because money was so tight.  I remember one Christmas when we thought that we couldn't go to Mom and Dad's for Christmas because we had car troubles.  Well, that year, my determined husband had me go to the auto parts store and buy a spark plug.  He went out in the garage, put the spark plug in and fixed the exhaust system with a Campbell's tomato soup can.  Obviously it was pre-computerized everything on a car, and we made it to Mom and Dad's for Christmas.  My folks were pretty impressed with my husband then!  The longer we were married, and as finances became a little easier, trips to the shop became easier.  I became more confident in myself, and rarely needed to call for Gar's advice or approval, it was mostly to keep him informed.    Today I brought the car to Kia for a recurring problem, and it turned out to be a pretty expensive repair, not covered by our warranty.  I was reduced to to tears.  I knew it had to be done, and there was enough money, barely, to cover it, but I cried.  I think what I missed most of all was just that Gar wasn't there to call or commiserate with me, I had to do it on my own.  It had me depressed for quite a while today.  Our marriage was one of shared decision making and everything else.  It was truly a partnership.  So now, I have to stand on my own and make those decisions, small and large, on my own.  So I stop, pray, thank God for 30 years with Gar, make my decision and move forward.  It will be different, but I am confident that God will be there, and Gar will be there in spirit.

Rainbows

For some reason this morning I was feeling really abandoned by Gar.  It started last night.  It had been a "pajama day" for me, lay low, do a few things, but most of all, stay in your pajamas all day.  Stef stopped by, so I had a good visit with a friend, but mostly it was me and the dogs.  I was so lonely when I went to bed, and really missed Gar, was even a little angry for his dying.  Take that back, I was a lot angry.  My mind wandered in and out of dreams all night, and while they were comforting, Gar wasn't in any of them.  So I woke up this morning and just felt really abandoned.  I sat down at my computer in the kitchen while I was feeding the dogs and looked out the window.  There was the most beautiful rainbow, a full one.  I could see both ends off my deck, and I caught the beginning of it, so it kept getting brighter and brighter.  Gar knows how I've always seen God and God's goodness in rainbows, and how special they are to me, so Gar and God worked together to give me a wonderful treat.  It gave me hope again, when hope was pretty low.

After the rainbow started to dim, I went to my daily bible readings.  This is how the chapter I was reading in Corinthians closed 16 But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory,are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.~~2nd Corinthians 3:16-18.  It dawned on my that both Gar's physical and spiritual vision was restored to him in his death, thanks to Jesus, so Gar's face is truly unveiled now, and he is seeing God in God's glory, and shared part of that with me this morning in the rainbow.  Thank you God for restoring Gar's vision, and most of all, thanks for 30 years with Gar.  God is good, all the time.

Tears

Have you ever wondered about tears?  I am amazed that I did not dehydrate myself in that first week after Gar died.  On the Saturday that we found him, I could not cry for the first few hours, then I could not quit crying.  Now, seven weeks later, I never know what will set me off.  Often it is the kindness of friends, a hug, a phone call, condolences from someone who was unable to be at the funeral or reviewal.  Music is another huge trigger, driving down the road and having a certain song come on can usually set off tears.  Sometimes, just sitting and thinking about a long, bleak future, I get scared and cry.  I often cry when I see how my kids and grandkids are dealing with their loss.  They lost a dad/grandpa way too soon.  They have too many milestones to come where Gar will not be there.  I think that I will always cry at those times when Gar should have been there for the girls and grandkids.  Then I remember that God is there and will always be there.

Yesterday at church we sang Lift High the Cross.  That was the first hymn that we sang at Gar's funeral.  We also sang it at my mother's funeral, and someday it will be sung at my funeral.  It is my favorite hymn, wonderful words, wonderful harmony.  I could not sing most of the hymn yesterday because of the tears.  Not only did I think of Gar's funeral, but I was reminded of the time that I heard it on the radio after mom died.  Then, Gar just held me and lovingly comforted me.  He was not there to do that yesterday.  So I dry my tears, stop and thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, and know that at those times, God is holding me.  God is good, all the time.

Third Step

There are 1,440 minutes in a day.  Today is one of those days where I'm living minute to minute.  That's all the farther I can project right now.  I'm also dog sitting for Patrick, one of Primo's litter mates, and at the moment I feel as though I can barely take care of myself, much less three dogs.  I don't think that anything in life can prepare you for the grief of losing a spouse or life partner.  You think that you are doing so well, then all of the sudden you are slammed by an emotion.  I think that within 5 minutes this morning I went from being okay to fear and anxiety to depression, to anger and back to depression.  As I was driving home, I was reminded of the 3rd step in AA. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. In my early days of sobriety, this was a tough one for me.  I would turn my life and will over to God, then in a minute of fear and anxiety, I would yank it back.  This happened quite often, until the third step became an instinctive way of life for me.  I think that I need to practice the third step daily in my grieving process.  At first I thought that some of these emotions came from the suddenness in how I lost Gar, things would have been different if I had more time to prepare myself.  Now I realize that there is no preparing yourself for losing a spouse, it happens and you are lost.  I am thankful for the discipline of the third step in AA, because I need to start practicing it again, and again.  If I look into the future on my own, all I see is a vast sea of emptiness and loneliness.  I am not sure where I am going to live and I know that there is a lot of loneliness.  If I turn it over to God, I am not afraid.  God has richly blessed me to this point in my life and is not going to stop blessing me now.  I just need to trust God and God's will for me.  So I stop, thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, pray for God's will, and leave it in God's hands.  God is good, all the time, even on those minute to minute days.

Mom was right!

So I'm back from vacation.  It was great seeing friends and I really had a good time.  The tough parts seemed to come in every day.  I really missed Gar, as he and I had so many wonderful trips together.  The hours in the car with Gar often turned into many discussions of many different things.  I think Annie is really tired of hearing my stories, but I couldn't help myself.  I needed to talk and share with someone.  I love reliving our memories.  I need to watch myself, or I soon won't have anyone left who wants to listen to me.  But I love talking and remember the many things, wonderful and not always wonderful, about Gar.

 I had a really cool experience yesterday while driving home, just outside Iowa City.  I was driving along, and for some reason, I started thinking about our wedding, remembering how cool it was to wear mom's dress, remembering how nervous and excited I was that day.  Then, on my iPod, one of the songs came on that my friend Glenndy sang at our wedding, "Through The Eyes of Love" .  Oh my, how the tears flowed, the memories came and it was beautifully bittersweet.  I remember my sister, Peg, crying because it was so beautiful.  She scared her daughter Amanda, 3 at the time, and Amanda didn't want to walk down the aisle, so her father led her down the aisle.  Jerry, you made an awesome flower girl!  Those are the memories that I love and that bring me comfort.

As I was driving, I had a lot of time to think.  I kept coming back to how right my mom was.  When my dad died, I kept trying to tell her, that I loved him and missed him too.  She kept getting mad and telling me that it wasn't the same.  It was very frustrating for me at the time, but now I totally understand.  Gar is being grieved by so many people, daughters, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends.  His death was a loss to each of them to varying degrees.  To me, Gar's death was more than just a loss of a husband, lover, friend.  He was my life.  Oh, I'm not going to throw myself sobbing to the floor and refuse to live, but Gar was my life.  Everything in my life was made better by having Gar in my life, and now I need to learn how move forward as a single person, not as part of a couple.  I really don't know how people who don't believe in God could handle this process.  Whenever I feel as though I cannot go any farther alone, I stop and pray.  I remember to thank God for 30 wonderful years, then I pray for strength.  I think that my unspoken prayer is for hope.  That seems to be the biggest thing missing in my life right now.  So I learn to walk forward with God, remembering Gar.  Oh, and one thing I thought I'd never say.  Mom, you were right.