Tears

Have you ever wondered about tears?  I am amazed that I did not dehydrate myself in that first week after Gar died.  On the Saturday that we found him, I could not cry for the first few hours, then I could not quit crying.  Now, seven weeks later, I never know what will set me off.  Often it is the kindness of friends, a hug, a phone call, condolences from someone who was unable to be at the funeral or reviewal.  Music is another huge trigger, driving down the road and having a certain song come on can usually set off tears.  Sometimes, just sitting and thinking about a long, bleak future, I get scared and cry.  I often cry when I see how my kids and grandkids are dealing with their loss.  They lost a dad/grandpa way too soon.  They have too many milestones to come where Gar will not be there.  I think that I will always cry at those times when Gar should have been there for the girls and grandkids.  Then I remember that God is there and will always be there.

Yesterday at church we sang Lift High the Cross.  That was the first hymn that we sang at Gar's funeral.  We also sang it at my mother's funeral, and someday it will be sung at my funeral.  It is my favorite hymn, wonderful words, wonderful harmony.  I could not sing most of the hymn yesterday because of the tears.  Not only did I think of Gar's funeral, but I was reminded of the time that I heard it on the radio after mom died.  Then, Gar just held me and lovingly comforted me.  He was not there to do that yesterday.  So I dry my tears, stop and thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, and know that at those times, God is holding me.  God is good, all the time.