Lonely versus alone

Yesterday I became aware of the difference between lonely and alone.  I had the annual Gathering for the Minneapolis Area Synod, Women of the ELCA this weekend, and it was wonderful.  The music was inspiring, the speakers were great and I was enfolded by the love, sympathy and support of so many women. God was truly there, and believe me, God was in every detail.  Gar's death came in during the last seven weeks before our event, and if you've ever helped plan an event, you know how critical those seven weeks are.  God sent so many people to help with the needs that I either forgot or just seemed unable to do.  I am so thankful for all of the women and men who helped us with this event.  While Gar was never at these events, he was always there in spirit, supporting me in the details and cheering me on when it finished.  It was interesting how on Friday night when I got back to my hotel room, I almost reached for the phone to tell him how the first day went and to see how he bowled.  This has always been my practice.  However, I did realize on the way home, that for the first time, Gar got to see one of these events in action, because I know that God was there and gave Gar an audience.

So anyhow, the convention ended, my friend Jackie was safely on her plane, and I was alone.  I packed up, ate breakfast and drove home.  I knew that Kari was going to the Vikings game, so she was not in my plans, but I did have plans for getting together with Liz and Annie at church, and then brunch.  Well, for various reasons they both cancelled on me, then the tears began.  I picked up the dogs, talked to Liz for a while, took the dogs for a walk, and then I was home, alone AND lonely.  So I had a lot of time to think.  I started thinking about the house, again.  Boy, I sure keep taking that one back from God.  I also started just worrying about unseen things in the future.  Took that one back too.  As the day went on, for the first time, I consciously thought about being lonely and being alone.

I have been lonely many times, even when Gar was alive.  Loneliness is an interesting and usually temporary feeling that can be relieved finding someone to talk to, praying or finding something to do.  Alone is totally different.  If you look in the dictionary, the two are almost the same by definition.  However, if you look in the bible, Genesis 2:18, God says it is not good that man should be alone.  Not lonely, alone.  In my definition, being alone is just that, alone.  It means that I am the only one to make decisions, and in some aspects, I am often the only one affected by any decisions that I make. It also means that even though I have children and grandchildren whom I dearly love, it still comes down to just me at the end of the day.  Gar and I had a shared decision making marriage.  Most of the major things were discussed and decided by the two of us.  We also supported each other in everything we did, alone or together.  Now I walk alone.  There is good news in this is that I really do not walk alone, because our Triune God walks with me, or carries me when necessary.  The other good news is that Gar is with God, so Gar is with me too.  This helps me to go on, because if I was truly alone, I could not go forward.  So I stop, and I thank God for thirty years of being with Gar and not being alone, and I pray for God to walk with me another day.