Nine months ago my world was turned upside down when I returned home from an outing with Annie and Kari and found that Gar had passed away while we were gone. At some times it doesn't seem very real and at other times it is painfully real. I have learned several things, and while it is reinforcement of what I have known all of my life, it is still been a huge learning process for me.
First and foremost, I know that God is in charge of my life. God is a good and loving God, and life is much easier when I place it in God's hands. Secondly I have learned that while the grief changes over time, it will always be with me. It is my choice to either go with the flow or be bitter about it. Being bitter will not bring Gar back, so go with the flow it is. Gar will always be with me, and he left me beautiful gifts in our four daughters. The other gift that God, and Gar gave me are the gift of my memories. I have so many wonderful memories of our thirty years together, and no one can take those away. So many things can trigger so many wonderful memories. More often than not, they trigger wonderful memories instead of tears.
On Sunday, when it was exactly nine months was a good day. In the morning, I was honored to become a Godparent to Angel Blessed Livingston, a baby that was born to a couple at our church. It is such a privilege to be part of this little girl's life. It was a full circle day for me.
Yesterday I learned that I'm not as strong as I thought. Winky was spayed yesterday, and there were several other stressors during that day. I thought that I was doing better, then that knocked me right down. It caught me by surprise because I have always been able to handle days with a lot of stress, and yesterday I just fell apart. Thank goodness God was there to pick me back up. Thanks to everyone who prayed me through last night. I am learning that for a while I need to be a little gentler with myself.
Well, this blog was a lot of rambling, but that's okay. It's my way of journaling. In many ways my life has begun again, so I watch myself grow with God. I do know that God is good all the time, and God is always there with us. Thank you God!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Life, it's everywhere
So many random thoughts running around in my head, I thought I'd try to capture some. In two weeks, it will be nine months since Gar died. The first six dragged so slow and the last three have really flown by. Nine months is gestation time in humans, so let's see what has gestated in the last nine months in my fertile mind.
First of all I have learned that grief is everything they say it is, and it rarely goes away. It's always there waiting to upset your day in one of it's many manifestations. But grief is not as bad as everyone thinks it is. It forces you to confront basic feelings that need to be dealt with . In the first few days and weeks after Gar died, I learned that the sharpness of the pain reminds you that even though the person you loved so deeply is dead, you are still alive. But for me the best part of grief, yes there is a best part, is that it forces me to reach out to God in order to move on. I don't know how people make it through the grieving process without God. God loves us and carries us. A few weeks ago, Pastor Brian reminded us in his sermon that Jesus wept. Jesus has experienced the loss of loved ones and knows our pain. That helps in the healing, but because when the pain is too great, I know that I can turn it over to God. There is also the knowing that Gar is with God and that we will be together one day.
Another thing that has happened is that I am more sharply aware of how death affects people. When I hear on the news of people dying suddenly, I often stop what I'm doing a say a prayer for the family. I had never experienced an extremely sudden death like Gar's, and now I know what a different pain that is, but either way it doesn't matter. Someone has still lost a loved one. I have a friend whose husband has terminal cancer. I hurt for both of them and pray daily for both of them. I follow them in his Caring Bridge site, and their faith and trust in God is amazing. They are also truly living out the saying that cancer is the long good-bye. I pray that I can be there for her and she reaches out for me when the time comes. Now is when they need to be together as they are. I also learned yesterday that some cancer has recurred in a high school classmate. I hurt for her, her husband, her children and her friends, and I pray that they are able to stop it again. Yet another friend of mine is coming up on the year anniversary of her husband's death. I know that she misses him every day, and I pray that she will be strengthened in his love, God's love, the love of her family and the love of her friends.
The last thing that I am sharing today is how I am learning to live each day. This week is Holy Week, and we are looking at the final days of Jesus' ministry and time here on earth. To me, this is always a reminder of the great sacrifice that Jesus made for us in order that we might live. Therefore, we are to make to most out of each day. No matter how great out loss is, life is still amazing. For me, a lot of the joy and fun is returning to life, and I really enjoy that. Gar may be gone, but I am still surrounded by my children, grandchildren and friends, and for that I give thanks. God is good, all the time.
First of all I have learned that grief is everything they say it is, and it rarely goes away. It's always there waiting to upset your day in one of it's many manifestations. But grief is not as bad as everyone thinks it is. It forces you to confront basic feelings that need to be dealt with . In the first few days and weeks after Gar died, I learned that the sharpness of the pain reminds you that even though the person you loved so deeply is dead, you are still alive. But for me the best part of grief, yes there is a best part, is that it forces me to reach out to God in order to move on. I don't know how people make it through the grieving process without God. God loves us and carries us. A few weeks ago, Pastor Brian reminded us in his sermon that Jesus wept. Jesus has experienced the loss of loved ones and knows our pain. That helps in the healing, but because when the pain is too great, I know that I can turn it over to God. There is also the knowing that Gar is with God and that we will be together one day.
Another thing that has happened is that I am more sharply aware of how death affects people. When I hear on the news of people dying suddenly, I often stop what I'm doing a say a prayer for the family. I had never experienced an extremely sudden death like Gar's, and now I know what a different pain that is, but either way it doesn't matter. Someone has still lost a loved one. I have a friend whose husband has terminal cancer. I hurt for both of them and pray daily for both of them. I follow them in his Caring Bridge site, and their faith and trust in God is amazing. They are also truly living out the saying that cancer is the long good-bye. I pray that I can be there for her and she reaches out for me when the time comes. Now is when they need to be together as they are. I also learned yesterday that some cancer has recurred in a high school classmate. I hurt for her, her husband, her children and her friends, and I pray that they are able to stop it again. Yet another friend of mine is coming up on the year anniversary of her husband's death. I know that she misses him every day, and I pray that she will be strengthened in his love, God's love, the love of her family and the love of her friends.
The last thing that I am sharing today is how I am learning to live each day. This week is Holy Week, and we are looking at the final days of Jesus' ministry and time here on earth. To me, this is always a reminder of the great sacrifice that Jesus made for us in order that we might live. Therefore, we are to make to most out of each day. No matter how great out loss is, life is still amazing. For me, a lot of the joy and fun is returning to life, and I really enjoy that. Gar may be gone, but I am still surrounded by my children, grandchildren and friends, and for that I give thanks. God is good, all the time.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Decisions, decisions, decisions
Finally, a day where 70 degrees is a real possibility. As I write this, I am sitting next to an open window and it feels wonderful. I am also enjoying the new desk with all of it's wonderful organization possibilities. I got some big decisions made today, and am feeling fairly good about it.
This first thing done was to order a stone for Gar's grave. I found a really nice company in Anoka, and she was very helpful. I am keeping the design a secret until the stone is installed. I am really happy with it, and the lady was very helpful. It will be put on the grave before Memorial Day, as soon as the ground is ready,
The other decision is on my move. I had a self imposed deadline of having everything out of the house in Ramsey by May 4th. I am learning that this deadline is unrealistic. I work on it every day, but seem to be unable to get as much done as needs to be done to achieve this deadline. I work on the house each day, but it is harder than I anticipated. I get overwhelmed by the amount of work, the memories and the quickly approaching self imposed deadline, then I do a mini shutdown. So today I decided that I will keep on working, and it will get done when it gets done.Maybe this will free me to get more done.
A huge part of getting my house ready involves some of the details that Gar and I were unable to do while we lived there. There are also the necessary repairs that are needed after 25 years in a house. I have been truly blessed to find two wonderful handymen. They are taking care of all that needs to be done, and doing some things for Liz and I at Liz's house. They are hard workers and they have an amazing work ethic, taking pride in all that they do. They are also very respectful of my budget. I have thanked God for them several times during this process. Thanks to Ruth too for recommending them.
So, as you see, it's baby steps, but I am learning how to be proud of baby steps. I know that I take this baby steps with God holding me up and it is all in God's plans. God is good, all the time.
This first thing done was to order a stone for Gar's grave. I found a really nice company in Anoka, and she was very helpful. I am keeping the design a secret until the stone is installed. I am really happy with it, and the lady was very helpful. It will be put on the grave before Memorial Day, as soon as the ground is ready,
The other decision is on my move. I had a self imposed deadline of having everything out of the house in Ramsey by May 4th. I am learning that this deadline is unrealistic. I work on it every day, but seem to be unable to get as much done as needs to be done to achieve this deadline. I work on the house each day, but it is harder than I anticipated. I get overwhelmed by the amount of work, the memories and the quickly approaching self imposed deadline, then I do a mini shutdown. So today I decided that I will keep on working, and it will get done when it gets done.Maybe this will free me to get more done.
A huge part of getting my house ready involves some of the details that Gar and I were unable to do while we lived there. There are also the necessary repairs that are needed after 25 years in a house. I have been truly blessed to find two wonderful handymen. They are taking care of all that needs to be done, and doing some things for Liz and I at Liz's house. They are hard workers and they have an amazing work ethic, taking pride in all that they do. They are also very respectful of my budget. I have thanked God for them several times during this process. Thanks to Ruth too for recommending them.
So, as you see, it's baby steps, but I am learning how to be proud of baby steps. I know that I take this baby steps with God holding me up and it is all in God's plans. God is good, all the time.
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