Mom was right!

So I'm back from vacation.  It was great seeing friends and I really had a good time.  The tough parts seemed to come in every day.  I really missed Gar, as he and I had so many wonderful trips together.  The hours in the car with Gar often turned into many discussions of many different things.  I think Annie is really tired of hearing my stories, but I couldn't help myself.  I needed to talk and share with someone.  I love reliving our memories.  I need to watch myself, or I soon won't have anyone left who wants to listen to me.  But I love talking and remember the many things, wonderful and not always wonderful, about Gar.

 I had a really cool experience yesterday while driving home, just outside Iowa City.  I was driving along, and for some reason, I started thinking about our wedding, remembering how cool it was to wear mom's dress, remembering how nervous and excited I was that day.  Then, on my iPod, one of the songs came on that my friend Glenndy sang at our wedding, "Through The Eyes of Love" .  Oh my, how the tears flowed, the memories came and it was beautifully bittersweet.  I remember my sister, Peg, crying because it was so beautiful.  She scared her daughter Amanda, 3 at the time, and Amanda didn't want to walk down the aisle, so her father led her down the aisle.  Jerry, you made an awesome flower girl!  Those are the memories that I love and that bring me comfort.

As I was driving, I had a lot of time to think.  I kept coming back to how right my mom was.  When my dad died, I kept trying to tell her, that I loved him and missed him too.  She kept getting mad and telling me that it wasn't the same.  It was very frustrating for me at the time, but now I totally understand.  Gar is being grieved by so many people, daughters, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends.  His death was a loss to each of them to varying degrees.  To me, Gar's death was more than just a loss of a husband, lover, friend.  He was my life.  Oh, I'm not going to throw myself sobbing to the floor and refuse to live, but Gar was my life.  Everything in my life was made better by having Gar in my life, and now I need to learn how move forward as a single person, not as part of a couple.  I really don't know how people who don't believe in God could handle this process.  Whenever I feel as though I cannot go any farther alone, I stop and pray.  I remember to thank God for 30 wonderful years, then I pray for strength.  I think that my unspoken prayer is for hope.  That seems to be the biggest thing missing in my life right now.  So I learn to walk forward with God, remembering Gar.  Oh, and one thing I thought I'd never say.  Mom, you were right.