The Roller Coaster

I think that one of the things that is the most exhausting about grief is the roller coaster of emotions that come each day.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Writing this blog is extremely helpful.  It gets me out of myself by writing down how I am feeling, and then examining it.  I've always enjoyed writing, but this has been different.

What will come as a shock to no one is that I am an extrovert.  I am learning that this is both a blessing and a curse.  It is was carried me through the Wake and the Funeral.  I love being in groups of people, always have, probably always will.  So I found the strength to get through those two days filled with people.  I had never realized before that during both of those processes, while people are comforting me, I am also comforting them.  A death as sudden as Gar's is a huge shock to everyone, and everyone, in one way or another is grieving, so we comfort each other with tears and with hugs and other expressions of love and support.  For days, I felt like I needed to hug everyone I saw.  I feel sorry for those of my daughters who are introverts, because in addition to grieving, those days of being around so many people are even more exhausting and draining for them.  I am grateful for everyone who was there both of those days.  It showed me how loved Gar was and my daughters and I are, by such a crossroads of people.  It gave me a lot of strength.

Yesterday was another day where being an extrovert was helpful.  I went to a lovely baby shower for my friend Kellie that was given by her mother-in-law Barb, another friend of mine.  Gar and I were both so excited for Kellie and Shawn when they announced that they were expecting!  It was so good to be surrounded by all of the excitement, love and joy that was there yesterday.  Then I went to a party at Mike and Elaine's house, with more friends.  I had not seen some of the people since Gar died, so that is always a little difficult and takes a great deal of energy, but again, being an extrovert carried me through that.  It was however, tough when I got home.  This big, empty house seems even bigger and emptier when I come home and Gar is not here.  I was thinking about that last night.  After a day like yesterday, Gar and I would come home, feed the dogs and settle into our chairs for a night of TV.  This was never a time of talking because after about five minutes, Gar would be asleep.  But he was there!  Last night it was just the dogs.  I honestly don't know if I will ever get used to that.  So I pray, and I thank God for thirty years with the man I love, and get ready for another day.