In a twinkling of an eye

The thing that I am having the hardest time with is how suddenly Gar died.  There was no warning, no indicators.  Kari and I were leaving to to the Farmer's Market with Annie.  I kissed him good-bye, told him jokingly that he should shower, told him I loved him and left for a morning with two of my daughters.  We came home, and he was gone.  When I found him, my first coherent thought was that my life would never be the same, and I was right.

I know that Jesus met him and carried in home.  God told me that the next day in a still, small voice in my heart.  This gives me joy.  What I struggle with is what were Gar's last seconds like.  Did he suffer?  Was he in pain?  Did he know?  I will not know those answers until Gar and I meet in heaven.  I will think of them occasionally, but I cannot dwell on them.  Again, it is one of those things, where all I can do is trust in God's wisdom and love God, know that Gar is with God now.  I take comfort in that Gar looked like he was sleeping, no indicators of pain or stress.  I also take comfort that Gar did not have a long, lingering illness. That would have made him very unhappy if he could not work with Isabella, bowl, dart, travel, all the things he loved to do.

Another part of the sudden passing that I struggle with is the fear of losing another loved one suddenly.  If kids get to my house later than I think they should be, I have to force myself to not call them.  If I can't find one of the dogs immediately, I panic.  Last night I actually shook Winky's kennel and woke her up because I hadn't heard any noise from her for a while.  Paid for that mistake for a few minutes.  I also worry that I will suddenly be called home and leave my children and grandchildren to deal with the pain before they have gotten over the grief and fear of losing their dad that way.  I refuse to let these fears define me, so I turn them over to God.

What gets me through all of this is that I know that God had a plan for Gar's life, and God has a plan for my life.  I give thanks to God that our plans intersected for 30 wonderful years.  I am also glad that those plans included all four of our daughters and all five of our grandchildren.  That is my joy nowadays.  Thank you God for the many blessings in my life.