Alone

I started this blog when Gar and I went to Australia in 2007 as a journal of our adventures in Australia and have revisited it periodically since this.  Now my life journey has changed as my husband, best friend, lover, travelling buddy and life partner has passed away.  He is missed, he is loved.  I am keeping his name on this blog because he will always be with me.  I am starting to re-blog (is that a word?) as a journal.  I'd like to say that the blogs will always be upbeat, but I would be lying.  I know that often there will be little rays of light, and they will grow more frequent as time passes.

I get out of bed alone every day because I know that God is carrying me and loving me.  I also know that Gar is in heaven with God looking down at me, when he's not playing with Primo.  I carry on and get things done because that is how I was raised.  God will give me strength for what needs to be done.

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I have had since the day that I found Gar dead at home.  It was a day where I felt so incredibly alone, and the future stretched out bleakly.  It was also one of the few days where, for a brief time, I could not control my crying.  It was also a day where I needed to take charge of some financial issues that only I could handle.  It was also the day where we went through the bulk of Gar's clothing and took care of that.  So, all in all, an overwhelming day.  God got me through it, and when I went to bed last night, I totally turned the loneliness over to God.  I am happy to say that when I got up this morning, I finished the paperwork and took care of the many memorials that we received in Gar's memory.  I know that Gar is looking down and is pleased, awed and amazed, as I am, by the outpouring of love.  I will be able to send very generous donations to Guide Dogs, American Blind Bowling Association and Cross of Hope, all in Gar's name.  If you are reading this (I really don't know how many people are really interested in blogs, and this is more for me) and you have a donation in Gar's name, thank you.  Those words are inadequate to describe what is in my heart, but they will have to do, because I can't find any others.  Another thing that overwhelms me is the the love and support that I have gotten from my family and friends.  I will be talking more about that as I go on, but it all means so much too, and again, it is one of those things that gets me through the day.

So today is another day with a lot of details.  I walk in strength from God and thanksgiving that I was given almost 30 years of marriage with a wonderful man.