Deep breaths

Breathe in God, breathe out anxiety, breathe in God, breathe out anxiety.  For the second day in a row I've been hit by a panic attack and missing Gar.  This grieving process is so odd, and so unpredictable, it's frustrating.  Here I am, doing my best to keep my life on track and moving forward when for no reason at all I take two steps back.  Yesterday I was driving home from the bowling tournament and all of the sudden I am so anxious about Gar being gone.  I kept driving and praying "God help me work through it".  Today I was driving along and all of the sudden I was panicked about whether or not Gar was in pain and whether or not he knew that he was leaving me along before it happened, then all of the sudden I started to panic about not seeing him until I join him one day, I hope in the distant future.  While I don't understand it at all, I've got a sneaking suspicion about why they happen.  When Gar died, at first it was like a scab that had been ripped off of my whole body, the pain was awful.  Then the pain settling into a dull throbbing in my consciousness, always there.  Now I am reaching a point where my feelings are becoming more back to normal,  feeling normal joy over things, starting to look ahead in the future, making positive moves toward all of this.  Then all of the sudden the pain comes back and surprises me, and I panic.  Kind of like getting a cast removed and learning to use the part that was broken.  Usually when this hits, it's followed by anger with Gar and with God.  Thank goodness our God is a loving God who helps us through our anger.  So I pause and pray, and breathe in God, breathe out anxiety.  God is good, all the time.