frustration

I swear, lately my life is one step forward and three steps back.  I had thought that by this point in this new journey of my life, things would be getting easier as I got used to life without Gar.  If anything, I am doing worse.  I haven't been blogging  because I haven't really had anything good to say, and I am tired of being negative Nancy here.  Yet, I think I need to blog, just to get all of the emotions out.  So, I'm back to blogging.

Another huge struggle in my life has been my puppy Winky.  There is something wrong with her, but don't know what.  The thought was food allergies, so we have been treating her for that.  Today some really horrible looking stuff came out of her body.  Just heard it, didn't see it, so don't know what end it came out of.  She is also very lethargic.  Usually she is a small, energetic bundle of puppy joy.  Now all she does is sleep.  When everything first started, she still had a high level of energy, but now all she does is curl up on the couch.  I'm scared for two reasons.  First, I don't want anything to be wrong with her.  I have not have had her long, but she is in my heard and she brought me joy in those really dark days where she was the only joy in the house.  The other thing that scares me is that I can't afford any extraordinary treatments.  Right now the dog food, pills and lab work is costing too much, plus I had some work done on Kirby too, so a lot of my "extra" money is going to the vet.  If it is something expensive, I will have decisions to make.  I know that there are people who don't understand how important dogs are to me, but they are a huge part of my life.  They bring comfort when I am alone, and they are just so darn cute.  So I sit here and cry, and pray that Winky will be okay.

I also need to write about missing Gar.  I know that grief takes a long time, and needs to take it's own journey, yet I am amazed at how hard it has been for me to move forward.  I have people tell me that I am strong, and I tell them that I am only as strong as the people who pray for me.  I also have people who tell me that I am doing really well.  I guess in public I am.  It's the long, lonely days at home that are killers.  Then sometimes I get so caught up in the loneliness that I don't leave the house.  Now that winter, and the long, dark cold days are here, that's even worse.  Yet the days that I do get out, I really feel much better.  That's a catch-22 also, because I don't want to ignore grief by getting caught up in busyness because I know from experience that grief will come back and bite you in the butt.  So I stop, thank God for thirty years, and try to move on.