Sigh

I had hoped that the next time that I blogged, it would be positive and upbeat.  Actually, last week was a pretty good week, and I was starting to feel hopeful that a degree of normalcy would return, but it wasn't meant to be.  The grief and the pain never seem to fully go away.  I guess that the best way to explain it is to use an analogy of a wolf stalking prey.  The wolf is always lurking, waiting to attack.  You can scare it away, yet it remains lurking in the shadows, and the minute you let down your guard, it will pounce and knock you down again.  I have grieved often in my life, the death of both parents, deaths of uncles and an aunt, deaths of animals.  Heck, I have even grieved alcohol and cigarettes, but I have never dealt with emotion like I have dealt with in the last three and one half months.  It's so pervasive.  Of course, that could be because every aspect of my life has changed because of Gar's death.  Another thing about the grief is that it cuts so deep at my soul.  While the very essence of me hasn't changed, it has been drastically altered.  I am hoping that I will be able to keep the hope and joy that I have always lived with.  I refuse to be defined by my grief.

One thing that I have learned about myself is how I have always viewed life with hope and joy.  I don't know if it has always showed, but since I quit drinking, it has come back to my life.  Right now it's not my primary view of life, but it keeps breaking through.  I remember in those first few really dark days after Gar died, it was buried pretty deep, but it still made an appearance.  Not for long, but smiles usually crept through.  Now it really does come around again.  That's good, I need hope and joy in my life.  Those two emotions are truly gifts from God, and they are the gift that got me sober.  I want to be happy, I like being happy.  As I start looking for that happiness, I need to remember two things.  First of all, it's okay to be happy, it's what Gar would want.  I shouldn't feel guilty because I feel happy.  The other thing that I need to remember is that the quality of my happiness has changed.  There will always be a hole in my soul that's Gar shaped (I found that in a Pinterest quote tonight) and I need to remember that and work around it.  I just need to remember all of the blessings that I have had in my life and all of the blessing that are in my life now.  I am truly a luck woman.  Most of all, God has never stopped loving me during the lowest and darkest times of my life, or during the highest and happiest times of my life.  God is the source of my blessings and the source of my happiness, and I thank God for God's amazing love.  What is so amazing is that we are all loved like that.  I just pray that all people, especially those who don't always love themselves, may know and remember this.  That's one thing that I love about blogging, I usually remember this, and it gets me through the the tough moments.  I also like going back and re-reading what I've written.  I am coming along.

I did want to share one thought I had last week, that brought me peace.  I was at the Y and sitting in the hot tub.  I have finally gotten back to going to the Y.  At first it was very hard to go alone, Gar and I always did this together.  Anyhow, I was sitting in the hot tub thinking about Gar and how Gar loved being in the water.  He loved swimming, being in the hot tub and taking baths.  Then I realized that when God came and met Gar, it was where Gar was the most comfortable.  Isn't that cool?  It showed me again, how much God loved Gar, and how much God loves all of us.  Knowing that helps with the pain too.  Thank you God for meeting us where we are the most comfortable.  God is good, all the time.