Tidal Waves and Roller Coasters

Last night was tough, it was a night where I couldn't pull myself up by the bootstraps, no matter what.  So I got up this morning, the sky was blue, the sun was shining and I chose joy for the day.  It worked, through bowling.  I had fun, I bowled well, and every time I got a strike, I pretended it was Gar blowing me a kiss.  He was fairly affectionate in the last two games.  Didn't go to the Halloween Parade because it seemed to be all messed up for the family going together, so I went out to eat.  It was one of those times, when going out to eat by myself just didn't work.  I realized how alone I was.  So, driving home was tough.  Then I got home, and a neighbor was mowing my yard for me.  It made me feel so good and so loved, I am truly blessed.  

So I'm writing this today, because of the whirlwind of emotions.  It's a good thing that the effects of grief are well publicized, or I would think I was having a breakdown.  It's amazing how fast the pendulum can swing from one side to the other.  Last night when I was so down, a lot of it seemed to revolve around worrying about the girls and how they are handling their grief.  I am so afraid of my family splintering as we all seem to grieve Gar in our different ways.  We all seem to be flying apart rather than pulling together to support each other.  I don't know if this is normal or not.  It's funny, as I was typing this, I was reminded of a beautiful visual given to me many years ago by one of my AA sponsors.  She told me that whenever I was worrying about my children, all I needed to do was visualize handing them to God, to sit in his loving lap.  I just did that, and it helped.  I know that we are all God's children, and he is loving us through all of our tough times.  I just pray that our family won't let this divide us.  We've had that before, and worked through it, so I pray that we will pull together.

As long as I'm talking about grieving, there is one stage that I am afraid of, and that is the anger.  Everyone keeps asking me if I have had that yet.  I was angry on that first day, but then again, I visited every stage of grief briefly on that first day.  I am hoping that  I covered anger in that day long enough.  It doesn't do any good to get mad at Gar, he didn't choose to die that day.  I know that it was just when God chose to call him home.  I can't imagine being angry at God, because I know how much God loves me and I know that my almost thirty years of marriage was a gift from God.  So who I get angry with?  Life is what it is.  I do know that it's a gift from God, so I am going to work harder to enjoy each day for the gift that is is.  I don't know.  I just know that I am being carried by God, and I am not alone.  Blogging helps me a lot.  As I write stuff down, I re-read it and get many things clarified.  Another gift from God.  So as I get into my busy evening and an even busier day tomorrow, I give God the glory.  God is good and I know that God is with me all of the time.  So is Gar.  I thank God for Gar and the life that we had together and the family that we had together.