Moving On

Wow, just looked at this and realized that I hadn't blogged since last year.  Oh wait, that's only two weeks.  Seems a lot longer.  As I write this morning, the cat's on the table, having overcome her trauma of her most hated dog last night, Kirby is at my feet, as usual and Winky is running, playing with toys and being busy, as usual.  All in all, a typical morning.  Going to church  later this morning with Kellie, so it's a later start than usual.

I titled this post moving on, and that is probably going to be the theme for this year.  I met with a realtor this week, and my goal is to be out of here and living at Liz's by May 1st.  Then floors will be dealt with, carpet, painting etc and the house will be staged for sale. It was a good meeting.  Our niece, Jess, is going to be my realtor.  I feel really confident with her.  She assured me that overall, it wasn't a bad house.  It needs work, but with a lot of cleaning from me and a few other things done, it will probably sell for the price that I want.  I wasn't really surprised by what she said, and for the most part our lists were the same.  I guess that watching all of that HGTV paid off.  Now I just need to find people I trust to work with me and get this house ready to sell.  My blog will probably be a journal of the trials and tribulations of all of this.

I had Annie, Kari and Liz over to dinner last night to fill them in on all of the plans.  I went to bed with very mixed emotions after that.  I understand that they are all upset over another piece of their childhood stability  not being around any more, but it was the rest of their reactions that had me upset.  They kept questioning me whether or not it was worth it to "put the money" into fixing up this house.  It left me with two possibilities as to the intent of those questions.  Either a) they think I am really naive and gullible about this house, or b) the generation that my children live in are really the "disposable generation" where if it's not perfect, don't work on it to make it better.  Either one is upsetting.  While this house is not the most beautiful, or the cleanest in Ramsey, it's been a good home, lots of memories and twenty five years of family love.  God found it for us at a time that we really needed it.  I have had things done, which Jess assured me were the right things to have done, and it's really not in that bad of shape.  My prayer is that the next family that lives here will be happy too.

I know that these next few months are not going to be easy.  It's not only the work, but the emotions.  I am trusting God to help me find the right people to get the tasks done.  I am trusting the girls for the help and support that I need.  I know that I have a lot of friends who are willing to help if I ask them, I just don't want to burn them out.  I will not miss the mortgage payments or living in this huge house all by myself with two small dogs and a cat.  Then there are the memories.  Gar and I lived her and raised our family here.  We've had revolving doors, that if the kids need someplace to come back too, we've been here.  There has been a lot of love and laughter here too.  It's a good house.  I am not going to get overwhelmed by my grief.  Instead, I stop and thank God for finding this house for us, and for giving me Gar and our children.  I also ask for your prayers, because they give me extra strength, and I am going to need all of that I can find.  God is good, all the time.

Year End thoughts

Twenty eight years ago today our youngest daughter was born.  Happy birthday Kari!!  At this point I have to write down one of my favorite memories of Gar, though he would always try to claim that it never happened.  At 6:00 p.m. while I was in labor, Gar said "Six hours for a tax deduction, push"  He meant it jokingly, but he always tried to deny saying it.  He did, a woman who has been in labor for almost fifteen hours never forgets. I don't think that there are many things more special and uniting than the birth of your children.  After I gave birth and was brought back to my room, I encouraged Gar to go and share our happiness and some cigars with our friends on New Years Eve, and I would get some sleep.  Right after Gar headed down to the lobby to wait for a cab, the doctor came in and told me that Kari had some complications, due to undiagnosed gestational diabetes.  Nothing serious, but concerning.  Someone went to the lobby and got Gar, and he sat by my bed all night, keeping me calm.  Gar was my rock.  From the time that he came into my life, he was my rock through every crisis.  Nothing ever seemed as scary, intimidating or awful when I was in his arms.  He never said much, but his presence was calming.

So tonight, 2013 comes to an end, finally.  It has not been a good year.  Two of the girls had scary health crises, we lost Primo, and we lost Gar.  My life changed on July 27, and will never be the same.  I lost my life partner, my lover, my comforter and my head cheerleader.  I know that he is with God now, and that brings me comfort.  I am thankful to God for the thirty years that we had together, and I give thanks for my daughters, grandchildren and all the joy that they bring me.  I am learning a lot about grief.  I know that I still have a lot to work through in that department, but I do not do it alone.  God is with me, as are my children, grandchildren, family and friends.  I am truly blessed.  While I may be grieving, I refuse to be defined by my grief.  There is too much beauty and joy in the world to be constantly sorrowful.  Gar would not want me to constantly be sad, and God did not create me in that way.

As I look ahead to 2014, it is my prayer that I can help make the world a better place.  I do not know what God has in store for me, but I have learned, yet again, that God is always there.  Every day I will be reminded of and remember the love that Gar and I shared.  There's a move in my future.  Not sure when, but I do know that God found us this house, and God will help me sell it,.  As I start doing things to get it ready to put on the market, I often stop and pray that whatever family ends up living in this house, they will find as much joy in it has we have.  Our family has seasoned this house well.

As I end this year end reflection, I have to stop and thank God for each and everyone of the people who have been there for me this past year.   Our daughters and grandkids are my biggest comfort, but I treasure each and everyone of you.  Thank you for your prayers, your expressions of support and your love.  God is good, all the time.

Merry Christmas

As I write this, I have just made it through my first Christmas in 30 years without Gar.  I made it though thanks to God's strong love, my amazing children and grandchildren, my sister and her family and our many friends.  It actually went better than I had  hoped for, but tonight I am mentally and physically exhausted.  Now I am going to try and chronicle some of the highlights.  I want to be able to look back and see God's love made visible through others.

So let's start with Christmas Eve day.  I had lots of cleaning and grocery shopping to do, which kept me busy, right up to the last minute before 4:00 church.  Tierney and I went to church, where she sang with Rainbow Choir, and I gave the children's sermon and helped with communion.  When we are in church for Christmas, my biggest trigger for tears is always Silent Night.  I sing that song and think of the many saints in my life who are watching Christmas from above.  I can very rarely sing that song in church without totally breaking down and crying.  As far as the children's sermon, that was pretty funny.  Pastor had asked if I wanted to give it to give a different take, so I said sure.  Well the Holy Spirit sure must have wanted the message to come through, because without even consulting, mine was very similar to his.  After church, we went home for dinner.  While we were in church, it had started snowing.  Right before we sat down to eat, our friends Timothy and Allison called to see if they could join us as they did not want to drive to Minneapolis, then back to Ramsey in the snow.  I was so glad they were there, as they changed up our routine, so the hole is our family life was not so apparent.  Thanks Holy Spirit for inspiring them to reach out and ask to join us.  Then it was back to church with Annie, Kari, Liz and Tierney.  Yes, Ti made it through two services on Christmas Eve, she really is her grandmother's daughter.  It was good to be together in the community of believers, giving thanks and praising God.  Love my church family!!!

Today we all headed to my sister Peg's house for Christmas brunch, where Mary and Owen joined us from their dad's.  This past year, my Goddaughter and niece, Amanda and her husband Joel had a new baby boy Rece.  What joy he brings to all of us.  Out of the blue, as we started eating, I started crying.  My family all patiently loved my through it.  While we were there, I checked phone messages and found a message of Christmas greetings from our former Pastor Dale, and his wife Alene.  Another unexpected but beautiful gift from God.

As I read through this, it kind of sounds like one of those Christmas letters that we all get every year at this time.  So, this is my Christmas greeting to anyone who reads this.  Thank you so much for all of the love and support you have given me and my family in the last five months.  Yes, it is only five months, seems like an eternity.  At Christmas we celebrate the "word of God, made flesh to dwell among is."  That is true of Jesus, and Jesus and God's love continue to be made flesh in the form of family and friends.  I may have lost the love of my life, but I am truly blessed and not alone.  Thank you Baby Jesus for these blessings.

Izatys

So, here we are at one of the weeks that is so important to our family, the family vacation at our timeshare, Izatys.  It is a week that is anticipated and loved by all of us.  I'm currently the only one up, as last night was a very late night, filled with games, fun and laughter,  Actually, a couple more just woke up, but I think we'll all have naps this afternoon.

Gar is here this week.  He's in the memories, the laughter, everything that our family is doing.  When I got here on Friday, I drove up alone, because Gar and I always got here before everyone else so that we could get unpacked and have some quiet times before the troops arrived.  So, I got here early, walked through the house filled with good memories and cried.  They were good tears, cleansing tears.  That behind me, I was ready to unpack and enjoy the week with my family.

As I was driving up here, I was thinking about all of the past times at Izatys, and the fun that we have had.  We have been coming here for over ten years.  It's a great excuse to take a week of relative quiet before the demands of the holidays.  One of the things about Gar's death is how he died.  It happened with no warning, like a thief in the night.  There are pros and cons about dying this way, the biggest con being for those who are left behind.  I have so many memories about our life together, but none of them are captured memories.  That's a term I just coined.  A captured memory is one where you think "I had better remember everything about this moment, because it will never happen again."  A year ago at Izatys, we did not know that it would be our last time up here with Gar.  Is that a good thing, or a bad thing.  With both of my parents, they had chronic illnesses that we knew would take their life sometime before the next Christmas.  So, we captured Christmas memories to have in the future Christmases.  Those memories are good, but bittersweet.  As we move into this blessed time of the year, a time of God, family, and friends, I think I'm glad that I don't have captured memories from last year.  My memories of the holidays last year, starting with Izatys are good and happy, for the most part.  There were some family issues, but Gar and I got through them with each other.  I would not have wanted to celebrate the holidays or our vacation with Gar, knowing that it would be his last time with us. But for those of my friends who read this and have a loved one who's ill, capture that memory and enjoy it.  Then stop, and give your loved one a hug and tell them that you love them.   As for me, I will look back, stop and thank God for thirty years of fun, love and many wonderful memories with Gar.

frustration

I swear, lately my life is one step forward and three steps back.  I had thought that by this point in this new journey of my life, things would be getting easier as I got used to life without Gar.  If anything, I am doing worse.  I haven't been blogging  because I haven't really had anything good to say, and I am tired of being negative Nancy here.  Yet, I think I need to blog, just to get all of the emotions out.  So, I'm back to blogging.

Another huge struggle in my life has been my puppy Winky.  There is something wrong with her, but don't know what.  The thought was food allergies, so we have been treating her for that.  Today some really horrible looking stuff came out of her body.  Just heard it, didn't see it, so don't know what end it came out of.  She is also very lethargic.  Usually she is a small, energetic bundle of puppy joy.  Now all she does is sleep.  When everything first started, she still had a high level of energy, but now all she does is curl up on the couch.  I'm scared for two reasons.  First, I don't want anything to be wrong with her.  I have not have had her long, but she is in my heard and she brought me joy in those really dark days where she was the only joy in the house.  The other thing that scares me is that I can't afford any extraordinary treatments.  Right now the dog food, pills and lab work is costing too much, plus I had some work done on Kirby too, so a lot of my "extra" money is going to the vet.  If it is something expensive, I will have decisions to make.  I know that there are people who don't understand how important dogs are to me, but they are a huge part of my life.  They bring comfort when I am alone, and they are just so darn cute.  So I sit here and cry, and pray that Winky will be okay.

I also need to write about missing Gar.  I know that grief takes a long time, and needs to take it's own journey, yet I am amazed at how hard it has been for me to move forward.  I have people tell me that I am strong, and I tell them that I am only as strong as the people who pray for me.  I also have people who tell me that I am doing really well.  I guess in public I am.  It's the long, lonely days at home that are killers.  Then sometimes I get so caught up in the loneliness that I don't leave the house.  Now that winter, and the long, dark cold days are here, that's even worse.  Yet the days that I do get out, I really feel much better.  That's a catch-22 also, because I don't want to ignore grief by getting caught up in busyness because I know from experience that grief will come back and bite you in the butt.  So I stop, thank God for thirty years, and try to move on.

Solo Road Trip

So here I am in Nashville, Music City.  Sitting in in my hotel room, settled in for any evening of "Chopped" marathon on the Food channel.  Trying not to feel sorry for myself.  This will be an interesting weekend, challenging for me.  Gar and I have come to these meetings together for years.  Usually we go to the meetings and then either sit around the hotel or do some sightseeing.  No sense in going to the bar, as I don't drink and don't really like hanging around in bars.  The people at the meetings all know Gar, but there's not too many of them that we used to hang around with, so here I am.  I thought about going to downtown Nashville, but didn't really want to do that all alone, maybe during the day, but not at night.  It is something that I am going to need to get used to, and I will, just not ready to tackle it tonight.  Luckily for me, I've never had a problem in going into a restaurant alone.  Thank goodness for my Kindle.

The drive down was uneventful.  I have decided that music is salvation.  I love music, love the textures, shadings, melodies and harmonies that all go into any piece of music.  I actually have a sore throat from singing along.  Shed a few tears, prayed, talked to myself and did a lot of driving.  Thank goodness I am used to driving for long stretches at a time, just missed my travelling partner.  Usually after a day like this, Gar and I would have the problems of the world solved, we loved to sit and talk while I was driving.  But it was okay yesterday and today.  It really didn't bother me that much.  Lots of memories to keep me company.  Gar and I have driven this route together a few times, so there were memories there.  I don't think that I'll ever be totally alone while I'm driving, as memories are really good company, and Gar and I created many of them together.

So, the tough part is being here alone, learning what to do.  The tournament this summer will be different, I should be surround by friends and family.  But there will always be weekends like this one.  I will persevere, and hopefully will even gracefully conquer.  I have never been a chicken, and I have never backed down, so I can do this.  Hopefully I will even have some fun along the way.  I will also need to learn to ask people if I want to be included.  What I do know is that I am really never alone, God is with me and Gar is with me.  So I stop, thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, then I move on.

This n that

I must officially be a widow, I will start receiving Gar's Social Security benefits soon.  It was one of those appointments that I was dreading, but it was relatively painless.  I am thankful for my friend Janet who came with me.  She is a retired Social Security employee, so she made sure I asked all of the right questions.  It wasn't that hard, but I was very grateful for company.  My appointment was about an hour late, so we had lots of time to sit and chat.

I have been noticing that lately it has been really hard for me to focus.  Paying attention to any type of talk just seems so hard to do.  I was supposed to attend a workshop on Saturday that I have been planning on for a long time.  I had to send my regrets to the women planning it and the group presenting it.  I am afraid that I probably would have had a full blown panic attack if I had tried to concentrate for more than thirty minutes.  It made me sad, but I do think that it was for the best.  I hope that this passes soon, it's not my style at all.

I'm really tired of spending all of my blogs having to wa-was, so now I am going to focus on a positive note of my day.  It was Give to the Max Day in Minnesota, and I was able to get my gifts in before the website crashed.  It makes me feel good that the website crashed because there were too many people giving.  I hope that everyone who planned on giving was able to find a way to give.  I also sent in a Thankoffering to Women of the ELCA.  Giving always make me feel better, so that's my positive note for today.

For everyone who reads my blog, thank you so much for the likes and the words of encouragement.  They all help so much.  God is so good, and I am blessed, even if I don't always feel that way.