Tidal Waves and Roller Coasters

Last night was tough, it was a night where I couldn't pull myself up by the bootstraps, no matter what.  So I got up this morning, the sky was blue, the sun was shining and I chose joy for the day.  It worked, through bowling.  I had fun, I bowled well, and every time I got a strike, I pretended it was Gar blowing me a kiss.  He was fairly affectionate in the last two games.  Didn't go to the Halloween Parade because it seemed to be all messed up for the family going together, so I went out to eat.  It was one of those times, when going out to eat by myself just didn't work.  I realized how alone I was.  So, driving home was tough.  Then I got home, and a neighbor was mowing my yard for me.  It made me feel so good and so loved, I am truly blessed.  

So I'm writing this today, because of the whirlwind of emotions.  It's a good thing that the effects of grief are well publicized, or I would think I was having a breakdown.  It's amazing how fast the pendulum can swing from one side to the other.  Last night when I was so down, a lot of it seemed to revolve around worrying about the girls and how they are handling their grief.  I am so afraid of my family splintering as we all seem to grieve Gar in our different ways.  We all seem to be flying apart rather than pulling together to support each other.  I don't know if this is normal or not.  It's funny, as I was typing this, I was reminded of a beautiful visual given to me many years ago by one of my AA sponsors.  She told me that whenever I was worrying about my children, all I needed to do was visualize handing them to God, to sit in his loving lap.  I just did that, and it helped.  I know that we are all God's children, and he is loving us through all of our tough times.  I just pray that our family won't let this divide us.  We've had that before, and worked through it, so I pray that we will pull together.

As long as I'm talking about grieving, there is one stage that I am afraid of, and that is the anger.  Everyone keeps asking me if I have had that yet.  I was angry on that first day, but then again, I visited every stage of grief briefly on that first day.  I am hoping that  I covered anger in that day long enough.  It doesn't do any good to get mad at Gar, he didn't choose to die that day.  I know that it was just when God chose to call him home.  I can't imagine being angry at God, because I know how much God loves me and I know that my almost thirty years of marriage was a gift from God.  So who I get angry with?  Life is what it is.  I do know that it's a gift from God, so I am going to work harder to enjoy each day for the gift that is is.  I don't know.  I just know that I am being carried by God, and I am not alone.  Blogging helps me a lot.  As I write stuff down, I re-read it and get many things clarified.  Another gift from God.  So as I get into my busy evening and an even busier day tomorrow, I give God the glory.  God is good and I know that God is with me all of the time.  So is Gar.  I thank God for Gar and the life that we had together and the family that we had together.  

My Cup Runneth Over

I have always been grateful to Ed Ames.  One of my all-time favorite songs is "My Cup Runneth Over".  If you don't know the song, I have put a You Tube clip on my Facebook page.  It's a song about the simple things in life. When i-Tunes was established, and it was one of the first purchased songs I put on my i-Pod.

It's a song about simple moments, and how those moments can fill your heart to overflowing.  Those are the moments that keep me going right now.  I don't know if it was in the eulogy at the funeral (parts of that are huge blanks) but there was a day like that last summer.  It was in early June, and Gar and I were in the living room watching TV.  Actually, I was watching TV and Gar, along with Primo, Kirby and Isabella were all sleeping peacefully.  I looked around the room, my cup overflowed with love and I thanked God for all of the wonderful things in my life.  I did not know that my life was about to be overturned, but I do remember that moment, and I am grateful for that.  I've thought about it a lot, and it's not the grand passion that makes a wonderful marriage, or even a wonderful life, it's the small moments.  As some of the pain is peeling away in my mind, more and more of those small moments are coming back.  There were many days, when just like in the song, I would lay and watch Gar sleep and think about how much I loved him, and I would thank God.  Other moments where I would share something with Gar and see the special smile that he had just for me are starting to come back too.  One time was when this song came on my i-Tunes when we were listening to it in the car.  I looked at Gar and told him that the song always reminded me of him and our marriage, and he got that special smile.

I'm going to do something now that I usually don't do in this blog, I'm going to get preachy.  I figured I've earned it.  Don't ever take your love or your marriage, or anyone that you love in your life for granted.  You never know when God is going to call them home.  Gar and I, even before our marriage, always told each other "I love you", and we always ended, and I still do, each conversation with our kids that way.  All relationships are gift from God, to show us God's  love.  So not only do you say I love you a lot, but you also stop and thank God for that love.  I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, wonderful children and grandchildren, wonderful parents, a wonderful sister and her family, and many, many friends.  I have thanked God for all of them, many times.  So today, I sit for a few minutes, thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, and the many wonderful things in my life.  Then I move on with my day.

Make the pain go away

Today I realized the curse of a good marriage.  It's the pain when one partner dies and leaves the other partner alone.  Oh my God, and this is a cry of pain, not an OMG exclamation, it hurts so much!  Today started out okay, I got up, fed the dogs, went to church, a pretty normal Sunday.  Between services, Liz and I walked through the cemetery and I was feeling okay, feeling like I may survive this new normal called being a widow.  Changed some plans and went out to brunch with the girls before heading home to nurse this stupid cold.  On the way home, the pain hit again.  I miss Gar so much.  What I miss is how Gar loved me, just for being me.  How he was always there for me, and when I was in pain, how he would hold me and love me.  I remember when we got married. thinking that Gar would always love me.  He did, and I know that he is up in heaven, loving me still.  But I am down here, missing him, hurting and feeling like I will never feel the same again.  Never will I feel the comfort of being loved for just being me.  I know that God loves me like that, but right now God, can't wrap his arms around me, hold me and let me cry.  So I sit and cry by myself.  Sometimes when I am alone, and not working on controlling the crying, I am amazed by the sounds that come out of my body.  They aren't even human.  Today I think I scared the dogs.  I hate that right now I am stuck, feeling unable to move, either forward or backward.  I hate this feeling of being alone.  I hate not know what the future holds.  I hate that at this point in time, not even my faith is bringing me comfort.  I have a friend who tells me to remember two happy things whenever I feel really sad.   That isn't even working right now.  If I think of something happy, it makes me lonelier.  I try not to communicate anything when I'm feeling like this, no blogging, no Facebook postings, nothing.  Yet I cannot help myself right now.  I need to get this pain out of my system.  People tell me that time helps.  I know that, but it isn't helping right now.  I know that God loves me and walks with me, but right now I can't even feel that.  I feel small, I feel lonely and I hurt like hell.  I know that I will get through this, but I don't feel it right now.  So, I write, and I pray, and I thank God for thirty years with Gar, and strength to get through the next thirty seconds.

Day by day

It's been nine weeks since Gar died.  Nine long, roller coaster weeks.  This week hasn't been too bad though.  Tuesday was awful, I had a total breakdown while driving between appointments.  I think that I cried so hard that I actually dehydrated myself.  But, I did pull myself together, and I don't think I yelled at too many people.  On Wednesday morning I had my cat, Spot, put down.  It was time, we got her seventeen years ago, on the day that Gar's dad died.  That was hard to due.  My friend, Stefani, took him to the vet, because I just couldn't do it.  I miss him, but I know that it's for the best.  It's kind of funny, about two years ago I was thinking that it was time to put him down because of some of his behaviors.  But Gar was sitting in the living room and Spot was on his lap.  I think Spot knew the softie in the family, and Gar said "He's a pretty good cat, I don't think it's time yet."  Well now, Spot has reunited with Gar and Primo.

I've had some good days this week, days where I'm feeling more like Nancy.  Small bits of happiness creep into the everyday activities.  It's funny, sometimes I feel guilty because I think I shouldn't be feeling happy yet.  Then I remember that the Nancy that Gar loved should never go away.

Yesterday we interred Gar's ashes.  Yet another stage of closure.  I cried out of loss, but it wasn't the overwhelming sense of grief.  Pastor Brian did a wonderful job, as usual and read just the right amount of scripture, and not one of them was the 23rd Psalm, thank goodness!  I had two beautiful gifts, one from the girls and one from Brandon and Jamie.  Both were amazing pieces of art, done by Brandon Kidder.  When I see them on the walls, I am constantly reminded of how blessed that I am, in my family and my friends.  The one especially is breath taking in the picture and the concept.  Brandon is an amazing artist who constantly honors God with his gifts.  Thank you so much to the girls and Brandon and Jamie.

So, another week begins.  Another busy week.  We shall see what this week will hold.  I do know that I walk with God.  So I stop, thank God for thirty years with Gar and walk forward with God.

Remembering Gar

This is what I wrote for The Blind Bowler to remember Gar.  Thought I'd publish it here too, so that you can all understand Gar and bowling.

REMEMBERING GAR GIDDINGS

In January 1993, Gar Giddings borrowed a set of rails from the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers for a bowling event at his church.  When he returned the rails, he was asked to join the league.  He did, and had a wonderful time bowling with them for twenty years until his death on July 27, 2013. 

Gar joined the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers, first as a sub, then as a regular team member.  After a few years of watching him bowl, I also joined the league.  While we were bowling on Saturday morning, our two youngest daughters learned to bowl on the junior league that met at the same time.  Gar has served as both president and vice president for the league.  During the time that he was president, he was very aware of the fact that the rails needed for a blind bowling league did not magically set themselves up, so he started showing up early on Saturday mornings to help.  Eventually, Gar became the person in charge of setting up the rails, teaching many people to help him during that time.  The last few years, Gar often helped assemble and set up rails at the National Tournaments.  Several times, Gar served as the ABBA representative for his league at the Mid-Year Meetings.  For the last two years, Gar was a member of ABBA’s finance committee. 

Gar was passionate about bowling, and was always working to improve his average.  When he first started bowling in 1993, his average was in the high 70’s.  Last year, his average was 126.  He also bowled his highest game ever, a 226.  Several times he earned the Most Improved Bowler award for his leagues, and was often the recipient of the Lou Anderson Award, an award given out annually to rail users by the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers.  One time when Gar had first started bowling, I came home to find him watching bowling on ESPN.  I asked if he was getting pointers from the commentators, and he smiled and said “No, I just like to listen to the pins fall.”  That was pretty typical of Gar and his love for bowling. 

One of the highlights in Gar’s bowling came in 2007 when he was selected to represent the USA at the International Blind Sports Association (IBSA) Bowling Tournament in Sydney, Australia.  There he won a bronze medal in the Men’s Scratch Singles event in the category for the totally blind.  He finished fourth in the overall events for that tournament.   

In addition to bowling with the Minneapolis Blind Bowlers, Gar and I bowled with Super Rollers, a mixed doubles USBC sanctioned league.  Together we bowled in over ten Minnesota State Mixed Doubles tournaments.  Gar was also a member of the Twin Cities Blind Audio Dart league, where, for his last two years he served as league statistician.  He also participated in the annual dart tournaments held by the league.

Even more than a bowler, Gar was a husband, dad and grandfather.  Gar was much loved and will be missed by me, his daughters, Jen, Liz, Annie and Kari and his grandchildren, Mary Owen, Xander, Addie and Tierney.

God's Promise

18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength ~~Ephesians 1:18-20

I posted those words on my Facebook page today, and I decided that I needed them here.  I need those words and that promise today.  Yesterday was a tough one.  It was two months since Gar died, and it was harder than I thought it would be.  In a lot of ways, the first 2-3 weeks following Gar's death were easier than the last 2-3 weeks have been.  I think it's because in those first few days, I was numb, I couldn't think and I functioned on auto-pilot.  The anesthesia has worn off, and the reality has set in.  I have always heard about "the grief process", and I have been through it several times in my life, but this grief process is unlike any that I have been through, probably because this is the biggest grief I have ever been through.  I am still amazed at the tears.  Sometimes they just keep coming and coming.  I have been told that the number of tears shed shows how much a person was loved.  If that is the case, Gar was very loved.  

I also laid awake a lot last night, searching for the elusive cloak of sleep.  What finally got me to sleep was just praying for strength.  God answered my prayers and I slept.  Then I awoke this morning and did my daily bible reading.  Those words were in my daily reading this morning.  Talk about prayers answered.  I needed to see those words this morning to be reminded that the strength that God will give me to get through this grieving process and move on to life without Gar.  So I remind myself of God's great strength, give thanks for 30 years with Gar and start another day with God's promise.  God is good, all the time!

Who Am I?

Lately I really don't know myself.  I changed on July 27, 2013, between 12:30 and 1:00 in the afternoon.  At that point, my life stopped and restarted, and I am not the same person.  I remember standing outside in a state of shock, and all I could think was Oh my God, I am a widow and an orphan.  I spent a lot of time that first day dwelling on the fact that I was a widow.  It was a role that I never anticipated in my life, Gar was the healthy one in our relationship.  Now thankfully, I am able to focus on being a mother and a grandmother, but I still go back to the fact that I am a widow, alone.  When my mom died, three years ago, I spent time thinking about being an orphan, but it was something that Gar and I had in common, so we would hold each other, and love each other, and life would resume.  Now I stop and pray, and thank God for thirty years with Gar, and life resumes.

People tell me I am a strong woman.  I am not a strong woman, I am a woman with a strong faith.  There is a big difference.  Thought I did not know it immediately after Gar died, before I went to bed that night, I knew that God was there holding me.  As in the Footsteps poem, I was being carried, I still am.  I love God, and I know that there are certain gifts that God has given me, gifts I am called on to use.  One of them is doing this blog.  I have received many compliments, and some people have told me that it helps them when they read it.  It is not me, it is God working through me.  As far as the other parts of my "strength", it is how I was raised, you face what you need to face and then you get moving.  I watched my mom be a widow for fourteen years, and I learned a lot from that.  What I mostly learned is that you just keep on going, it doesn't do any good to sit around and feel sorry for yourself.   I still have days where I feel sorry for myself, but I give myself permission to have days like that, then the next day I move on.

The primary reason that I say that I don't know myself, is that there is a big hole in my soul.  It is the hole that was filled with me loving Gar, and Gar loving me.  Sometimes when I look at myself, I don't even know myself.  I did not realize until lately how joy based I basically am.  I have always loved life, especially since I quit clouding it with alcohol.  There is usually a part of me that is happy.  Joy has been sneaking through my grief lately, but it is different.  I don't know how to describe it.  There is a sadness in my joy.  I know that it sounds contradictory, but it's true.  I am not the same.  I don't quite understand it, but each day it gets a little better.  So I continue to trust in God, give thanksgiving for thirty years with Gar, and keep on with each day.  God is good, all the time.