Nine months ago my world was turned upside down when I returned home from an outing with Annie and Kari and found that Gar had passed away while we were gone. At some times it doesn't seem very real and at other times it is painfully real. I have learned several things, and while it is reinforcement of what I have known all of my life, it is still been a huge learning process for me.
First and foremost, I know that God is in charge of my life. God is a good and loving God, and life is much easier when I place it in God's hands. Secondly I have learned that while the grief changes over time, it will always be with me. It is my choice to either go with the flow or be bitter about it. Being bitter will not bring Gar back, so go with the flow it is. Gar will always be with me, and he left me beautiful gifts in our four daughters. The other gift that God, and Gar gave me are the gift of my memories. I have so many wonderful memories of our thirty years together, and no one can take those away. So many things can trigger so many wonderful memories. More often than not, they trigger wonderful memories instead of tears.
On Sunday, when it was exactly nine months was a good day. In the morning, I was honored to become a Godparent to Angel Blessed Livingston, a baby that was born to a couple at our church. It is such a privilege to be part of this little girl's life. It was a full circle day for me.
Yesterday I learned that I'm not as strong as I thought. Winky was spayed yesterday, and there were several other stressors during that day. I thought that I was doing better, then that knocked me right down. It caught me by surprise because I have always been able to handle days with a lot of stress, and yesterday I just fell apart. Thank goodness God was there to pick me back up. Thanks to everyone who prayed me through last night. I am learning that for a while I need to be a little gentler with myself.
Well, this blog was a lot of rambling, but that's okay. It's my way of journaling. In many ways my life has begun again, so I watch myself grow with God. I do know that God is good all the time, and God is always there with us. Thank you God!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Life, it's everywhere
So many random thoughts running around in my head, I thought I'd try to capture some. In two weeks, it will be nine months since Gar died. The first six dragged so slow and the last three have really flown by. Nine months is gestation time in humans, so let's see what has gestated in the last nine months in my fertile mind.
First of all I have learned that grief is everything they say it is, and it rarely goes away. It's always there waiting to upset your day in one of it's many manifestations. But grief is not as bad as everyone thinks it is. It forces you to confront basic feelings that need to be dealt with . In the first few days and weeks after Gar died, I learned that the sharpness of the pain reminds you that even though the person you loved so deeply is dead, you are still alive. But for me the best part of grief, yes there is a best part, is that it forces me to reach out to God in order to move on. I don't know how people make it through the grieving process without God. God loves us and carries us. A few weeks ago, Pastor Brian reminded us in his sermon that Jesus wept. Jesus has experienced the loss of loved ones and knows our pain. That helps in the healing, but because when the pain is too great, I know that I can turn it over to God. There is also the knowing that Gar is with God and that we will be together one day.
Another thing that has happened is that I am more sharply aware of how death affects people. When I hear on the news of people dying suddenly, I often stop what I'm doing a say a prayer for the family. I had never experienced an extremely sudden death like Gar's, and now I know what a different pain that is, but either way it doesn't matter. Someone has still lost a loved one. I have a friend whose husband has terminal cancer. I hurt for both of them and pray daily for both of them. I follow them in his Caring Bridge site, and their faith and trust in God is amazing. They are also truly living out the saying that cancer is the long good-bye. I pray that I can be there for her and she reaches out for me when the time comes. Now is when they need to be together as they are. I also learned yesterday that some cancer has recurred in a high school classmate. I hurt for her, her husband, her children and her friends, and I pray that they are able to stop it again. Yet another friend of mine is coming up on the year anniversary of her husband's death. I know that she misses him every day, and I pray that she will be strengthened in his love, God's love, the love of her family and the love of her friends.
The last thing that I am sharing today is how I am learning to live each day. This week is Holy Week, and we are looking at the final days of Jesus' ministry and time here on earth. To me, this is always a reminder of the great sacrifice that Jesus made for us in order that we might live. Therefore, we are to make to most out of each day. No matter how great out loss is, life is still amazing. For me, a lot of the joy and fun is returning to life, and I really enjoy that. Gar may be gone, but I am still surrounded by my children, grandchildren and friends, and for that I give thanks. God is good, all the time.
First of all I have learned that grief is everything they say it is, and it rarely goes away. It's always there waiting to upset your day in one of it's many manifestations. But grief is not as bad as everyone thinks it is. It forces you to confront basic feelings that need to be dealt with . In the first few days and weeks after Gar died, I learned that the sharpness of the pain reminds you that even though the person you loved so deeply is dead, you are still alive. But for me the best part of grief, yes there is a best part, is that it forces me to reach out to God in order to move on. I don't know how people make it through the grieving process without God. God loves us and carries us. A few weeks ago, Pastor Brian reminded us in his sermon that Jesus wept. Jesus has experienced the loss of loved ones and knows our pain. That helps in the healing, but because when the pain is too great, I know that I can turn it over to God. There is also the knowing that Gar is with God and that we will be together one day.
Another thing that has happened is that I am more sharply aware of how death affects people. When I hear on the news of people dying suddenly, I often stop what I'm doing a say a prayer for the family. I had never experienced an extremely sudden death like Gar's, and now I know what a different pain that is, but either way it doesn't matter. Someone has still lost a loved one. I have a friend whose husband has terminal cancer. I hurt for both of them and pray daily for both of them. I follow them in his Caring Bridge site, and their faith and trust in God is amazing. They are also truly living out the saying that cancer is the long good-bye. I pray that I can be there for her and she reaches out for me when the time comes. Now is when they need to be together as they are. I also learned yesterday that some cancer has recurred in a high school classmate. I hurt for her, her husband, her children and her friends, and I pray that they are able to stop it again. Yet another friend of mine is coming up on the year anniversary of her husband's death. I know that she misses him every day, and I pray that she will be strengthened in his love, God's love, the love of her family and the love of her friends.
The last thing that I am sharing today is how I am learning to live each day. This week is Holy Week, and we are looking at the final days of Jesus' ministry and time here on earth. To me, this is always a reminder of the great sacrifice that Jesus made for us in order that we might live. Therefore, we are to make to most out of each day. No matter how great out loss is, life is still amazing. For me, a lot of the joy and fun is returning to life, and I really enjoy that. Gar may be gone, but I am still surrounded by my children, grandchildren and friends, and for that I give thanks. God is good, all the time.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Decisions, decisions, decisions
Finally, a day where 70 degrees is a real possibility. As I write this, I am sitting next to an open window and it feels wonderful. I am also enjoying the new desk with all of it's wonderful organization possibilities. I got some big decisions made today, and am feeling fairly good about it.
This first thing done was to order a stone for Gar's grave. I found a really nice company in Anoka, and she was very helpful. I am keeping the design a secret until the stone is installed. I am really happy with it, and the lady was very helpful. It will be put on the grave before Memorial Day, as soon as the ground is ready,
The other decision is on my move. I had a self imposed deadline of having everything out of the house in Ramsey by May 4th. I am learning that this deadline is unrealistic. I work on it every day, but seem to be unable to get as much done as needs to be done to achieve this deadline. I work on the house each day, but it is harder than I anticipated. I get overwhelmed by the amount of work, the memories and the quickly approaching self imposed deadline, then I do a mini shutdown. So today I decided that I will keep on working, and it will get done when it gets done.Maybe this will free me to get more done.
A huge part of getting my house ready involves some of the details that Gar and I were unable to do while we lived there. There are also the necessary repairs that are needed after 25 years in a house. I have been truly blessed to find two wonderful handymen. They are taking care of all that needs to be done, and doing some things for Liz and I at Liz's house. They are hard workers and they have an amazing work ethic, taking pride in all that they do. They are also very respectful of my budget. I have thanked God for them several times during this process. Thanks to Ruth too for recommending them.
So, as you see, it's baby steps, but I am learning how to be proud of baby steps. I know that I take this baby steps with God holding me up and it is all in God's plans. God is good, all the time.
This first thing done was to order a stone for Gar's grave. I found a really nice company in Anoka, and she was very helpful. I am keeping the design a secret until the stone is installed. I am really happy with it, and the lady was very helpful. It will be put on the grave before Memorial Day, as soon as the ground is ready,
The other decision is on my move. I had a self imposed deadline of having everything out of the house in Ramsey by May 4th. I am learning that this deadline is unrealistic. I work on it every day, but seem to be unable to get as much done as needs to be done to achieve this deadline. I work on the house each day, but it is harder than I anticipated. I get overwhelmed by the amount of work, the memories and the quickly approaching self imposed deadline, then I do a mini shutdown. So today I decided that I will keep on working, and it will get done when it gets done.Maybe this will free me to get more done.
A huge part of getting my house ready involves some of the details that Gar and I were unable to do while we lived there. There are also the necessary repairs that are needed after 25 years in a house. I have been truly blessed to find two wonderful handymen. They are taking care of all that needs to be done, and doing some things for Liz and I at Liz's house. They are hard workers and they have an amazing work ethic, taking pride in all that they do. They are also very respectful of my budget. I have thanked God for them several times during this process. Thanks to Ruth too for recommending them.
So, as you see, it's baby steps, but I am learning how to be proud of baby steps. I know that I take this baby steps with God holding me up and it is all in God's plans. God is good, all the time.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Deep breaths
Breathe in God, breathe out anxiety, breathe in God, breathe out anxiety. For the second day in a row I've been hit by a panic attack and missing Gar. This grieving process is so odd, and so unpredictable, it's frustrating. Here I am, doing my best to keep my life on track and moving forward when for no reason at all I take two steps back. Yesterday I was driving home from the bowling tournament and all of the sudden I am so anxious about Gar being gone. I kept driving and praying "God help me work through it". Today I was driving along and all of the sudden I was panicked about whether or not Gar was in pain and whether or not he knew that he was leaving me along before it happened, then all of the sudden I started to panic about not seeing him until I join him one day, I hope in the distant future. While I don't understand it at all, I've got a sneaking suspicion about why they happen. When Gar died, at first it was like a scab that had been ripped off of my whole body, the pain was awful. Then the pain settling into a dull throbbing in my consciousness, always there. Now I am reaching a point where my feelings are becoming more back to normal, feeling normal joy over things, starting to look ahead in the future, making positive moves toward all of this. Then all of the sudden the pain comes back and surprises me, and I panic. Kind of like getting a cast removed and learning to use the part that was broken. Usually when this hits, it's followed by anger with Gar and with God. Thank goodness our God is a loving God who helps us through our anger. So I pause and pray, and breathe in God, breathe out anxiety. God is good, all the time.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
March Madness
Ever since Gar started bowling, our form of March Madness has been the Midwest Blind Bowling Tournament. This year the MBBA tournament was in Chicago. It has been a great weekend. Annie and Kari started bowling on the league this year and came to the tournament. When they were little, we used to take them out of school to attend these tournaments, so they are old pros at the tournament scene. This year they came and had a lot of fun. I know that Gar was looking down with a big smile on his face, watching them interact with all of our blind bowling friends. I missed Gar so many times, but was so comforted by the many people who were friends of Gar's on this league who would stop and tell me how much they missed him and what a great guy he was. One of the best parts of going to a tournament is being able to hang around with all of our friends from Pittsburgh and other cities, especially our friends Maggi and Bob. I wish that I could just pack Maggi in my suitcase and bring her home with me. Gar was talked about and remembered, and we had lots of laughs over some of our past tournaments together. I could feel Gar's smiling presence the entire time. A couple of times, waves of loneliness would sweep over me, but I'd stop, pray and move on. Overall, it was a bittersweet time, but not as difficult as I had anticipated.
The March Madness that I will return home to is the renovations going on in preparation of getting my house on the market. I am very blessed in the fact that I found a couple of handymen who I could trust, so they were busy working at my house while I was playing in Chicago. When I get home, I will really have to crank it up. We have a roll off for renovation trash, and I need to take advantage of it and get a lot of my excess garbage in it. So it's going to be a busy week. There are many times during this process that I get overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, fright and loneliness. When this happens, I have learned to let it go through tears and prayers. I came to a huge life realization a couple of weeks ago. When Dad died and life moved on, I had God, Gar and Mom to rely on. When Mom died, I had God and Gar to rely on. Now that Gar has died, it is just me and God. In order to move on with life, I needed to fully realize that it is only God and I. Don't get me wrong, my kids and grandkids are fantastic, but I can't count on them to do the things in my daily life, it's not their job. They are all living their lives as Gar and I raised them to live them, and I do not want to be a burden. So it's just me and God, and realizing this has freed me up a lot. God is so good, and I can call on God at any time!! So I move on in this March Madness walking with God. What a way to walk!! God is good, all the time
The March Madness that I will return home to is the renovations going on in preparation of getting my house on the market. I am very blessed in the fact that I found a couple of handymen who I could trust, so they were busy working at my house while I was playing in Chicago. When I get home, I will really have to crank it up. We have a roll off for renovation trash, and I need to take advantage of it and get a lot of my excess garbage in it. So it's going to be a busy week. There are many times during this process that I get overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, fright and loneliness. When this happens, I have learned to let it go through tears and prayers. I came to a huge life realization a couple of weeks ago. When Dad died and life moved on, I had God, Gar and Mom to rely on. When Mom died, I had God and Gar to rely on. Now that Gar has died, it is just me and God. In order to move on with life, I needed to fully realize that it is only God and I. Don't get me wrong, my kids and grandkids are fantastic, but I can't count on them to do the things in my daily life, it's not their job. They are all living their lives as Gar and I raised them to live them, and I do not want to be a burden. So it's just me and God, and realizing this has freed me up a lot. God is so good, and I can call on God at any time!! So I move on in this March Madness walking with God. What a way to walk!! God is good, all the time
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Ash Wednesday
So I'm just home from Ash Wednesday service at church and I'm exhausted. I forget from year to year how draining Ash Wednesday services can be when you are an assisting minister for both services. I love and dread Ash Wednesday and the season of Lent. It's my time of introspection and reflection. Some of the wilderness journeys are harder than others. This year I had a feeling of apprehension that I have not had before. The last seven months have been a wilderness journey for me like I have never had before. A part of me fears that I will experience something else, and I just don't have the strength. I'm lonely and I'm low tonight, so all I can do is through myself in the arms of God and pray for strength and endurance. I wanted to blog this tonight because I want to capture it, and on Easter Sunday I want to be able look back and see the joy in the Resurrection. I do know that because of the end of the Lenten story, I will stand with God and be with Gar again. This does give me hope.
There was another thing that was going on tonight. I felt like God was tickling the edge of my consciousness, a tantalizing thought, just out of my grasp that I could not see. So I wait patiently. And so the Lenten journey begins, a time of darkness and yet the promise of hope. A time of Christ's great sacrifice and our great gain. I know that I do not walk alone, I walk with God, and for this I give thanks.
There was another thing that was going on tonight. I felt like God was tickling the edge of my consciousness, a tantalizing thought, just out of my grasp that I could not see. So I wait patiently. And so the Lenten journey begins, a time of darkness and yet the promise of hope. A time of Christ's great sacrifice and our great gain. I know that I do not walk alone, I walk with God, and for this I give thanks.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Getting things ready
Yup, back blogging again. I determined this morning that I need to be able to have a safe place to release some of my stress, and to me, this is a safe place. Be warned that today I am feeling a bit of the "Negative Nancy", so if you want to quit reading now, I don't blame you.
Today is the beginning of the two month drive to get this house emptied and ready to stage for sale. This day didn't just sneak up on me, I've known it was coming for a long time. The problem is that I spent a large part of January and February feeling sorry for myself and not getting anything done. This weekend I realized that it is just two months until May 1, so I'd better get my fanny in gear. I am blessed in the fact that I found two handymen to get the bigger stuff done, but other than that I am on my own. Nobody is going to get it done if Nancy doesn't get it started. There's a lot of work to be done, and a lot of sadness as I get ready to move from the place that has been home for our family for the last twenty-five years.
I've decided that over the next two months, I am going to look back on our family history in this house and write it down, in case kids or grandkids want to know, and then it will be saved here. Today I will start with how we found the house.
We left south Minneapolis on April 1, 1986 and moved to Coon Rapids where we rented a small two bedroom bungalow. It was good space for a family of four, and Jen and Liz would come every other weekend. We were told the the house was going to be sold, and would we be interested in buying it. We were seriously considering it when we found out that Jen and Liz would be coming to live with us on a regular basis and we needed more room. So the house hunt started. We knew that the market would be limited as we would need special consideration for financing, aka our credit sucked. One day I found an "owner will finance" home in the Anoka County Union. We went and looked, and it was in the process of being built. The owner was a very fatherly sort who was willing to carry a contract for deed with little down. We had Gar's aunt Diane look it over. She thought it looked good, and we decided to buy the house. I will always be convinced that God was the true realtor in this whole deal. We were a block from Cross of Hope Lutheran Church. What I did not realize when we moved to this house was that we would gain a family at Cross of Hope and that my faith life, and my sobriety would grow so much from all that I learned there. Gar, our daughters and I created many wonderful memories in this house, memories that I will treasure all of my life. But now it's time to move on in many ways. First and foremost, it will be a relief to get rid of the mortgage. Secondly, I would not be a good steward if I were to stay in this house that is designed for a family, with just me and my dogs. I trust that God will find the right family for this house, and I pray that they may have as many wonderful years as we have had.
Today is the beginning of the two month drive to get this house emptied and ready to stage for sale. This day didn't just sneak up on me, I've known it was coming for a long time. The problem is that I spent a large part of January and February feeling sorry for myself and not getting anything done. This weekend I realized that it is just two months until May 1, so I'd better get my fanny in gear. I am blessed in the fact that I found two handymen to get the bigger stuff done, but other than that I am on my own. Nobody is going to get it done if Nancy doesn't get it started. There's a lot of work to be done, and a lot of sadness as I get ready to move from the place that has been home for our family for the last twenty-five years.
I've decided that over the next two months, I am going to look back on our family history in this house and write it down, in case kids or grandkids want to know, and then it will be saved here. Today I will start with how we found the house.
We left south Minneapolis on April 1, 1986 and moved to Coon Rapids where we rented a small two bedroom bungalow. It was good space for a family of four, and Jen and Liz would come every other weekend. We were told the the house was going to be sold, and would we be interested in buying it. We were seriously considering it when we found out that Jen and Liz would be coming to live with us on a regular basis and we needed more room. So the house hunt started. We knew that the market would be limited as we would need special consideration for financing, aka our credit sucked. One day I found an "owner will finance" home in the Anoka County Union. We went and looked, and it was in the process of being built. The owner was a very fatherly sort who was willing to carry a contract for deed with little down. We had Gar's aunt Diane look it over. She thought it looked good, and we decided to buy the house. I will always be convinced that God was the true realtor in this whole deal. We were a block from Cross of Hope Lutheran Church. What I did not realize when we moved to this house was that we would gain a family at Cross of Hope and that my faith life, and my sobriety would grow so much from all that I learned there. Gar, our daughters and I created many wonderful memories in this house, memories that I will treasure all of my life. But now it's time to move on in many ways. First and foremost, it will be a relief to get rid of the mortgage. Secondly, I would not be a good steward if I were to stay in this house that is designed for a family, with just me and my dogs. I trust that God will find the right family for this house, and I pray that they may have as many wonderful years as we have had.
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