Third Step

There are 1,440 minutes in a day.  Today is one of those days where I'm living minute to minute.  That's all the farther I can project right now.  I'm also dog sitting for Patrick, one of Primo's litter mates, and at the moment I feel as though I can barely take care of myself, much less three dogs.  I don't think that anything in life can prepare you for the grief of losing a spouse or life partner.  You think that you are doing so well, then all of the sudden you are slammed by an emotion.  I think that within 5 minutes this morning I went from being okay to fear and anxiety to depression, to anger and back to depression.  As I was driving home, I was reminded of the 3rd step in AA. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. In my early days of sobriety, this was a tough one for me.  I would turn my life and will over to God, then in a minute of fear and anxiety, I would yank it back.  This happened quite often, until the third step became an instinctive way of life for me.  I think that I need to practice the third step daily in my grieving process.  At first I thought that some of these emotions came from the suddenness in how I lost Gar, things would have been different if I had more time to prepare myself.  Now I realize that there is no preparing yourself for losing a spouse, it happens and you are lost.  I am thankful for the discipline of the third step in AA, because I need to start practicing it again, and again.  If I look into the future on my own, all I see is a vast sea of emptiness and loneliness.  I am not sure where I am going to live and I know that there is a lot of loneliness.  If I turn it over to God, I am not afraid.  God has richly blessed me to this point in my life and is not going to stop blessing me now.  I just need to trust God and God's will for me.  So I stop, thank God for thirty wonderful years with Gar, pray for God's will, and leave it in God's hands.  God is good, all the time, even on those minute to minute days.

Mom was right!

So I'm back from vacation.  It was great seeing friends and I really had a good time.  The tough parts seemed to come in every day.  I really missed Gar, as he and I had so many wonderful trips together.  The hours in the car with Gar often turned into many discussions of many different things.  I think Annie is really tired of hearing my stories, but I couldn't help myself.  I needed to talk and share with someone.  I love reliving our memories.  I need to watch myself, or I soon won't have anyone left who wants to listen to me.  But I love talking and remember the many things, wonderful and not always wonderful, about Gar.

 I had a really cool experience yesterday while driving home, just outside Iowa City.  I was driving along, and for some reason, I started thinking about our wedding, remembering how cool it was to wear mom's dress, remembering how nervous and excited I was that day.  Then, on my iPod, one of the songs came on that my friend Glenndy sang at our wedding, "Through The Eyes of Love" .  Oh my, how the tears flowed, the memories came and it was beautifully bittersweet.  I remember my sister, Peg, crying because it was so beautiful.  She scared her daughter Amanda, 3 at the time, and Amanda didn't want to walk down the aisle, so her father led her down the aisle.  Jerry, you made an awesome flower girl!  Those are the memories that I love and that bring me comfort.

As I was driving, I had a lot of time to think.  I kept coming back to how right my mom was.  When my dad died, I kept trying to tell her, that I loved him and missed him too.  She kept getting mad and telling me that it wasn't the same.  It was very frustrating for me at the time, but now I totally understand.  Gar is being grieved by so many people, daughters, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends.  His death was a loss to each of them to varying degrees.  To me, Gar's death was more than just a loss of a husband, lover, friend.  He was my life.  Oh, I'm not going to throw myself sobbing to the floor and refuse to live, but Gar was my life.  Everything in my life was made better by having Gar in my life, and now I need to learn how move forward as a single person, not as part of a couple.  I really don't know how people who don't believe in God could handle this process.  Whenever I feel as though I cannot go any farther alone, I stop and pray.  I remember to thank God for 30 wonderful years, then I pray for strength.  I think that my unspoken prayer is for hope.  That seems to be the biggest thing missing in my life right now.  So I learn to walk forward with God, remembering Gar.  Oh, and one thing I thought I'd never say.  Mom, you were right.

The Roller Coaster

I think that one of the things that is the most exhausting about grief is the roller coaster of emotions that come each day.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Writing this blog is extremely helpful.  It gets me out of myself by writing down how I am feeling, and then examining it.  I've always enjoyed writing, but this has been different.

What will come as a shock to no one is that I am an extrovert.  I am learning that this is both a blessing and a curse.  It is was carried me through the Wake and the Funeral.  I love being in groups of people, always have, probably always will.  So I found the strength to get through those two days filled with people.  I had never realized before that during both of those processes, while people are comforting me, I am also comforting them.  A death as sudden as Gar's is a huge shock to everyone, and everyone, in one way or another is grieving, so we comfort each other with tears and with hugs and other expressions of love and support.  For days, I felt like I needed to hug everyone I saw.  I feel sorry for those of my daughters who are introverts, because in addition to grieving, those days of being around so many people are even more exhausting and draining for them.  I am grateful for everyone who was there both of those days.  It showed me how loved Gar was and my daughters and I are, by such a crossroads of people.  It gave me a lot of strength.

Yesterday was another day where being an extrovert was helpful.  I went to a lovely baby shower for my friend Kellie that was given by her mother-in-law Barb, another friend of mine.  Gar and I were both so excited for Kellie and Shawn when they announced that they were expecting!  It was so good to be surrounded by all of the excitement, love and joy that was there yesterday.  Then I went to a party at Mike and Elaine's house, with more friends.  I had not seen some of the people since Gar died, so that is always a little difficult and takes a great deal of energy, but again, being an extrovert carried me through that.  It was however, tough when I got home.  This big, empty house seems even bigger and emptier when I come home and Gar is not here.  I was thinking about that last night.  After a day like yesterday, Gar and I would come home, feed the dogs and settle into our chairs for a night of TV.  This was never a time of talking because after about five minutes, Gar would be asleep.  But he was there!  Last night it was just the dogs.  I honestly don't know if I will ever get used to that.  So I pray, and I thank God for thirty years with the man I love, and get ready for another day.

Four Weeks

It is morning, and the dogs have been emptied and fed, the routine that gets me out of bed every morning.  It's funny, I've been getting up much earlier now than I have in years, mostly because I seem to wake up and don't need to worry about waking Gar in the hours that he's finally sleeping.  Four weeks ago today, I got up, went through the normal morning routine, showered, got dressed and kissed my husband good-bye as I left for the business of the day.  A pretty typical summer Saturday, one of the last few before bowling started again.  The plans were to go shopping with the girls, come home, clean, do a little W/ELCA work, then have Annie over for dinner and a movie.  It didn't quite work out that way.

One of the problems I've been having in this process is revisiting that day.  When I came home and found Gar, it was shock and horror, the emotions that followed were even worse; anger, despair, fear, wanting my mother and father, disbelief, anger, fear.  At first, I could not cry, then the tears would not stop.  I remember Kari shaking as she was on the phone with 911, her poor body was shaking so hard that she hurt the next day.  I must have been shaking too, because I had body aches all over the next day too.  I don't remember a lot of details, but sometimes, the raw emotions hit me in the face as I walk out the door and stand in that space where I was locked in the grief.  I do remember at one point thinking about having a drink, to make it all go away.  I'm glad that I had that thought, because God in God's goodness reminded me how proud Gar was of my sobriety, and how it would not honor Gar's memory to begin drinking again.  Even after over 27 years of sobriety, those thoughts still come, but I thank God for my sobriety.  I remember worrying about the girls and how it would be for them.  I also remember the people who were there for me, holding me, helping me, praying for me; Judy Rath, Dick and Myrlette, Brenda, Pastor Brian, Jane Peters, the kids and grandkids, Gar's sisters and brother.  I was surrounded by love and support, yet so alone.  I also remember being angry at God, I remember being unable to pray, yet I remember being surrounded by God's love.  The dichotomy of emotions was overwhelming. 

I know that as I move forward in my life, my memories will begin to fade, yet I do not really want them to.  I know that I will go forward with life, alone, yet not alone.  So I stop, I pray and I give thanks for 30 years with Gar and the blessings, such as my children, that have come from that.

In a twinkling of an eye

The thing that I am having the hardest time with is how suddenly Gar died.  There was no warning, no indicators.  Kari and I were leaving to to the Farmer's Market with Annie.  I kissed him good-bye, told him jokingly that he should shower, told him I loved him and left for a morning with two of my daughters.  We came home, and he was gone.  When I found him, my first coherent thought was that my life would never be the same, and I was right.

I know that Jesus met him and carried in home.  God told me that the next day in a still, small voice in my heart.  This gives me joy.  What I struggle with is what were Gar's last seconds like.  Did he suffer?  Was he in pain?  Did he know?  I will not know those answers until Gar and I meet in heaven.  I will think of them occasionally, but I cannot dwell on them.  Again, it is one of those things, where all I can do is trust in God's wisdom and love God, know that Gar is with God now.  I take comfort in that Gar looked like he was sleeping, no indicators of pain or stress.  I also take comfort that Gar did not have a long, lingering illness. That would have made him very unhappy if he could not work with Isabella, bowl, dart, travel, all the things he loved to do.

Another part of the sudden passing that I struggle with is the fear of losing another loved one suddenly.  If kids get to my house later than I think they should be, I have to force myself to not call them.  If I can't find one of the dogs immediately, I panic.  Last night I actually shook Winky's kennel and woke her up because I hadn't heard any noise from her for a while.  Paid for that mistake for a few minutes.  I also worry that I will suddenly be called home and leave my children and grandchildren to deal with the pain before they have gotten over the grief and fear of losing their dad that way.  I refuse to let these fears define me, so I turn them over to God.

What gets me through all of this is that I know that God had a plan for Gar's life, and God has a plan for my life.  I give thanks to God that our plans intersected for 30 wonderful years.  I am also glad that those plans included all four of our daughters and all five of our grandchildren.  That is my joy nowadays.  Thank you God for the many blessings in my life.

Alone

I started this blog when Gar and I went to Australia in 2007 as a journal of our adventures in Australia and have revisited it periodically since this.  Now my life journey has changed as my husband, best friend, lover, travelling buddy and life partner has passed away.  He is missed, he is loved.  I am keeping his name on this blog because he will always be with me.  I am starting to re-blog (is that a word?) as a journal.  I'd like to say that the blogs will always be upbeat, but I would be lying.  I know that often there will be little rays of light, and they will grow more frequent as time passes.

I get out of bed alone every day because I know that God is carrying me and loving me.  I also know that Gar is in heaven with God looking down at me, when he's not playing with Primo.  I carry on and get things done because that is how I was raised.  God will give me strength for what needs to be done.

Yesterday was one of the toughest days I have had since the day that I found Gar dead at home.  It was a day where I felt so incredibly alone, and the future stretched out bleakly.  It was also one of the few days where, for a brief time, I could not control my crying.  It was also a day where I needed to take charge of some financial issues that only I could handle.  It was also the day where we went through the bulk of Gar's clothing and took care of that.  So, all in all, an overwhelming day.  God got me through it, and when I went to bed last night, I totally turned the loneliness over to God.  I am happy to say that when I got up this morning, I finished the paperwork and took care of the many memorials that we received in Gar's memory.  I know that Gar is looking down and is pleased, awed and amazed, as I am, by the outpouring of love.  I will be able to send very generous donations to Guide Dogs, American Blind Bowling Association and Cross of Hope, all in Gar's name.  If you are reading this (I really don't know how many people are really interested in blogs, and this is more for me) and you have a donation in Gar's name, thank you.  Those words are inadequate to describe what is in my heart, but they will have to do, because I can't find any others.  Another thing that overwhelms me is the the love and support that I have gotten from my family and friends.  I will be talking more about that as I go on, but it all means so much too, and again, it is one of those things that gets me through the day.

So today is another day with a lot of details.  I walk in strength from God and thanksgiving that I was given almost 30 years of marriage with a wonderful man.

God and government

Last month a friend of mine made a comment on his Facebook page that went like this....."Chaplain Dan Hall is wondering why the government is so important to God."  This sparked a very lively discussion on God and government.  Now you have to understand that Dan and I are on very opposite sides of the fence when it comes to several issues in today's society.  Speaking for myself, I know that Dan's opinions come from his deep faith and much prayer.  Dan also knows that my opinions have come from my faith and much prayer, probably even more prayer since I tend to have beliefs that fly in the face of much of the popular Christian beliefs.  But we both love and worship the same God.  As a matter of fact, we grew up in the same church.  Okay, so why am I talking about this here, where I've pretty much been journaling my vacation?  It's because this has to do with my vacation.  We spent much of last week in Washington D.C.  with side trips to Gettysburg, PA and Arlingtion National Cemetary.  This area is rich in our national history and heritage.  Every where we visited we saw quotes of different leaders, Lincoln, FDR, JFK, RFK and I saw God and faith mentioned in many of the quotes.  This country has been a world leader for many years, we have faced possible division and survived a civil war.  Through all of these times we have had presidents and leaders who took time to pray before acting.  We are a country of diverse faiths and values, and we have elected leaders who are very different from each other, yet each leader in times of trouble, went to God and asked for help.  Most likely, this was done privately in a quiet spot as Jesus taught in Matthew 6:6 - But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.  This very action brings God into government.  We are blessed to live in a free country where we can worship as we choose.  My faith in God and in this country was bettered because of our trip to D.C.  God is good, all the time.