Make the pain go away

Today I realized the curse of a good marriage.  It's the pain when one partner dies and leaves the other partner alone.  Oh my God, and this is a cry of pain, not an OMG exclamation, it hurts so much!  Today started out okay, I got up, fed the dogs, went to church, a pretty normal Sunday.  Between services, Liz and I walked through the cemetery and I was feeling okay, feeling like I may survive this new normal called being a widow.  Changed some plans and went out to brunch with the girls before heading home to nurse this stupid cold.  On the way home, the pain hit again.  I miss Gar so much.  What I miss is how Gar loved me, just for being me.  How he was always there for me, and when I was in pain, how he would hold me and love me.  I remember when we got married. thinking that Gar would always love me.  He did, and I know that he is up in heaven, loving me still.  But I am down here, missing him, hurting and feeling like I will never feel the same again.  Never will I feel the comfort of being loved for just being me.  I know that God loves me like that, but right now God, can't wrap his arms around me, hold me and let me cry.  So I sit and cry by myself.  Sometimes when I am alone, and not working on controlling the crying, I am amazed by the sounds that come out of my body.  They aren't even human.  Today I think I scared the dogs.  I hate that right now I am stuck, feeling unable to move, either forward or backward.  I hate this feeling of being alone.  I hate not know what the future holds.  I hate that at this point in time, not even my faith is bringing me comfort.  I have a friend who tells me to remember two happy things whenever I feel really sad.   That isn't even working right now.  If I think of something happy, it makes me lonelier.  I try not to communicate anything when I'm feeling like this, no blogging, no Facebook postings, nothing.  Yet I cannot help myself right now.  I need to get this pain out of my system.  People tell me that time helps.  I know that, but it isn't helping right now.  I know that God loves me and walks with me, but right now I can't even feel that.  I feel small, I feel lonely and I hurt like hell.  I know that I will get through this, but I don't feel it right now.  So, I write, and I pray, and I thank God for thirty years with Gar, and strength to get through the next thirty seconds.