Who Am I?

Lately I really don't know myself.  I changed on July 27, 2013, between 12:30 and 1:00 in the afternoon.  At that point, my life stopped and restarted, and I am not the same person.  I remember standing outside in a state of shock, and all I could think was Oh my God, I am a widow and an orphan.  I spent a lot of time that first day dwelling on the fact that I was a widow.  It was a role that I never anticipated in my life, Gar was the healthy one in our relationship.  Now thankfully, I am able to focus on being a mother and a grandmother, but I still go back to the fact that I am a widow, alone.  When my mom died, three years ago, I spent time thinking about being an orphan, but it was something that Gar and I had in common, so we would hold each other, and love each other, and life would resume.  Now I stop and pray, and thank God for thirty years with Gar, and life resumes.

People tell me I am a strong woman.  I am not a strong woman, I am a woman with a strong faith.  There is a big difference.  Thought I did not know it immediately after Gar died, before I went to bed that night, I knew that God was there holding me.  As in the Footsteps poem, I was being carried, I still am.  I love God, and I know that there are certain gifts that God has given me, gifts I am called on to use.  One of them is doing this blog.  I have received many compliments, and some people have told me that it helps them when they read it.  It is not me, it is God working through me.  As far as the other parts of my "strength", it is how I was raised, you face what you need to face and then you get moving.  I watched my mom be a widow for fourteen years, and I learned a lot from that.  What I mostly learned is that you just keep on going, it doesn't do any good to sit around and feel sorry for yourself.   I still have days where I feel sorry for myself, but I give myself permission to have days like that, then the next day I move on.

The primary reason that I say that I don't know myself, is that there is a big hole in my soul.  It is the hole that was filled with me loving Gar, and Gar loving me.  Sometimes when I look at myself, I don't even know myself.  I did not realize until lately how joy based I basically am.  I have always loved life, especially since I quit clouding it with alcohol.  There is usually a part of me that is happy.  Joy has been sneaking through my grief lately, but it is different.  I don't know how to describe it.  There is a sadness in my joy.  I know that it sounds contradictory, but it's true.  I am not the same.  I don't quite understand it, but each day it gets a little better.  So I continue to trust in God, give thanksgiving for thirty years with Gar, and keep on with each day.  God is good, all the time.