I thought that after Gar had been gone for a year, I would be done with Negative Nancy thoughts, yet they don't always go away. A friend and neighbor who lives across the street is dying of stage four lung cancer. I am having a tough time because I hurt so much for his wife. It's the same emotions I went through with my friend Diane when her husband died. I feel so helpless. As much as I can pray for strength and comfort for her, I can't stop the pain and emptiness that her life will soon have. It's hard for me to sit outside and see their house without flashing back to that dreary Saturday that Gar died. But I push on and look for the positives in the day, and there are many.
First of all, forty years ago today my first niece, Amy was born. What a great day, so much excitement in our family as a new generation began. She is a great girl, as are her sisters. Happy birthday Amy, I love you so much!
Today my friend's daughter Angie begins a new step in her life as she gets married to Sean. It will be a fun night, filled with joy and laughter. I look forward to sharing their start to their new life together.
This week has also been the start of a new chapter at Cross of Hope, as Pastor Jason begins his walk with us as our new pastor. It's been just over two years since Pastor Fred left, and Pastor Brian became our interim. Pastor Brian became a good friend and helped me through the toughest journey I have ever had to walk through, and I will always be grateful for his guidance, support and friendship during this time. God bless him as he begins a new journey in his new congregation in Wisconsin. I am excited to have Pastor Jason there, a new, fresh breath of the Holy Spirit is blowing through Cross of Hope, and I feel that God has great things in store for our church as we are open to God's spirit.
This week I also made my reservations for my first executive board meeting in Chicago in November. We also received our committee assignments. More reminders of the new plans that God has in store, and I eagerly await all that this means to me.
Mission accomplished, I just replaced one big negative with four positives. Life is good, and I need to remember that I will often feel lonely and alone, but God is always there, and life is filled with much richness and goodness. I thank God for thirty years with Gar and for all of the wonderful gifts that life still holds. God is good, all the time!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Lonely
I woke up lonely in Statesville, NC this morning. Tomorrow some of my friends will be arriving in Charlotte for the Triennial Convention and Gathering, and many more will be arriving on Monday. Tomorrow I will also attend the ELCA congregation that I found in Statesville and be with fellow believers who may be strangers, yet we are all family. But I still woke up lonely in Statesville today.
I'm alone in Statesville because I allowed extra time in my travels. I didn't want to arrive late in Charlotte because of breakdowns or an extra day of travel. But God was with me all of the way, and I arrived here safely. I also allowed extra time so that I could decompress after a day of driving, so I continue to do that today, along with a week's worth of laundry. It's been good traveling so far. I continue to adjust to a life without Gar, the same is so true about traveling. Gar and I had so many wonderful trips together, and I've remembered all of those trips this week. I have also faced a lot of my fears this week, mostly fears of pulling a bigger camper. God has been my pilot, and I have traveled through mountains and through pouring rain. It's been good. I have learned how to respect my camper when I pull it and not be afraid.
Last night in my dreams I remember crying because I missed Gar. This is the first dream that I can remember where I've dreamt that Gar has been gone. I think that is part of why I woke up so lonely. But I was immediately reminded of one thing. While I wake up lonely, I am never alone. God is always with me. What an amazing feeling. I went into my email and first read my verse of the day. This is the verse that was in my inbox....Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.~~Isaiah 41:10. How awesome is that!! Then I went on to my daily Bible readings and there was Psalm 23. Wow, God is with me and I am not alone! We'll see what God has in the plans for me today, other than laundry. I am not afraid of my day anymore. God is good, all the time.
I'm alone in Statesville because I allowed extra time in my travels. I didn't want to arrive late in Charlotte because of breakdowns or an extra day of travel. But God was with me all of the way, and I arrived here safely. I also allowed extra time so that I could decompress after a day of driving, so I continue to do that today, along with a week's worth of laundry. It's been good traveling so far. I continue to adjust to a life without Gar, the same is so true about traveling. Gar and I had so many wonderful trips together, and I've remembered all of those trips this week. I have also faced a lot of my fears this week, mostly fears of pulling a bigger camper. God has been my pilot, and I have traveled through mountains and through pouring rain. It's been good. I have learned how to respect my camper when I pull it and not be afraid.
Last night in my dreams I remember crying because I missed Gar. This is the first dream that I can remember where I've dreamt that Gar has been gone. I think that is part of why I woke up so lonely. But I was immediately reminded of one thing. While I wake up lonely, I am never alone. God is always with me. What an amazing feeling. I went into my email and first read my verse of the day. This is the verse that was in my inbox....Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.~~Isaiah 41:10. How awesome is that!! Then I went on to my daily Bible readings and there was Psalm 23. Wow, God is with me and I am not alone! We'll see what God has in the plans for me today, other than laundry. I am not afraid of my day anymore. God is good, all the time.
Monday, June 16, 2014
I don't know how much more I can handle
I am sorry to be so negative today, but I need to get these feelings out. My house has grown, from a big, four bedroom home sitting on a acre in Ramsey, to a behemoth monster sitting in my head that has gotten so big that I can't even hand it off to God. The shade that this massive house casts has blocked off my grieving for Gar, the joy and happiness that I have been regaining in life, and many other emotions. It has made me feel more lonely and isolated, even though I have had wonderful friends who have been wonderful about helping me out. It also makes my stomach and back hurt.
I am getting things done there, but there is so much to be done. I just want out, financially, emotionally and must of all physically. My goal is to have everything out in 3 1/2 weeks, so that I have time to get my real estate agent Jess out, get final touches done, and have it almost ready to go before I leave for Charlotte, so that it can be listed while I am in Charlotte. Without a miracle, that isn't going to happen. I am moving forward with my plans for Charlotte, because I don't know what else I can do. I need to get away, but how much of a vacation can it be with that awful house hanging over my head.
As I lay, not sleeping last night, I did more thinking than necessary, but I couldn't shut my brain off. I realized that it's been a pattern in my life, whenever there's more than I can handle, I turn messy. The final weeks in this house are fitting that pattern totally. I did a lot of talking to God, even confessing my biggest sin of being totally afraid to trust God. Maybe if I can work harder on that, the rest will be easier.
The girls also have a lot of stuff to get out of the house, and their jobs and lives are so busy that they can't even do that. I still have one of their rooms that my handymen can't start painting until it is either organized or emptied. I don't know how to handle that because I can barely handle my own belongings that remain in that house. Again, something that needs to be turned over to God, yet I don't know how to trust God right now.
There is so much grief involved in this process. There is the ongoing grief for Gar, memories as I get rid of so many things in the house and grief over leaving the house. At the same time, I am becoming ready to move forward into the next stage of life that God has planned for me. I can't move forward with the house hanging around my neck. I know that I should go to some type of grief support group, but I don't have time, because of the house. So I continue to pray. Thank goodness God is a loving parent who keeps letting me come back in prayer. I also ask for and covet any prayers that you have on my behalf. I think that I can make it through this process, but only by the grace and help of God to lead me and guide me. God is good, all the time.
I am getting things done there, but there is so much to be done. I just want out, financially, emotionally and must of all physically. My goal is to have everything out in 3 1/2 weeks, so that I have time to get my real estate agent Jess out, get final touches done, and have it almost ready to go before I leave for Charlotte, so that it can be listed while I am in Charlotte. Without a miracle, that isn't going to happen. I am moving forward with my plans for Charlotte, because I don't know what else I can do. I need to get away, but how much of a vacation can it be with that awful house hanging over my head.
As I lay, not sleeping last night, I did more thinking than necessary, but I couldn't shut my brain off. I realized that it's been a pattern in my life, whenever there's more than I can handle, I turn messy. The final weeks in this house are fitting that pattern totally. I did a lot of talking to God, even confessing my biggest sin of being totally afraid to trust God. Maybe if I can work harder on that, the rest will be easier.
The girls also have a lot of stuff to get out of the house, and their jobs and lives are so busy that they can't even do that. I still have one of their rooms that my handymen can't start painting until it is either organized or emptied. I don't know how to handle that because I can barely handle my own belongings that remain in that house. Again, something that needs to be turned over to God, yet I don't know how to trust God right now.
There is so much grief involved in this process. There is the ongoing grief for Gar, memories as I get rid of so many things in the house and grief over leaving the house. At the same time, I am becoming ready to move forward into the next stage of life that God has planned for me. I can't move forward with the house hanging around my neck. I know that I should go to some type of grief support group, but I don't have time, because of the house. So I continue to pray. Thank goodness God is a loving parent who keeps letting me come back in prayer. I also ask for and covet any prayers that you have on my behalf. I think that I can make it through this process, but only by the grace and help of God to lead me and guide me. God is good, all the time.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Happy Father's Day
To all men who have made in difference in the life of a child, yes I mean you too, Happy Father's Day. While today I continue to miss Gar, I hurt for my children. It's their first Father's Day without their father. All over, on TV and social media, people are remembering Father's Day, and it's like a little pain in your heart everytime you hear those words, because you don't have a dad to make the same wish to your father. In 1994 my father died on June 6, and I remember that Father's Day was one huge ache all day long. While it's been a little longer for my daughter's, it doesn't make the pain any less.
A year ago, all of the girls had to work, but we were able to do a quick lunch and get some bowling in with Annie and Kari before their afternoon shift. Gar did some really good bowling that day and was quite happy about it. He had a great day. Now here we are a year later, with plans for church, brunch, and then gathering at his family farm with two of his sisters to scatter some of his ashes. What a difference a year makes. It will be a small gathering, I really don't want to make a fuss, just return part of Gar to the fields that he worked so hard on.
As I said earlier, this marks the 20th anniversary of the year my father died. His death came after a six month battle with pancreatic cancer. I still miss my dad. He was a man who loved to have a good time, and the most important things in his life were his wife and his daughters. I still miss my daddy's hugs and the way he could talk away my fears.
As I sit here looking back on Father's Day, I must stop and pray and give thanks to my heavenly Father. It's because of God that I was able to move forward when dad died, and then when Gar died, because I knew that they were both home with God. Thank you God for those two wonderful men in my life. God is good, all the time. If you are able, go and hug your husband and your dad.
A year ago, all of the girls had to work, but we were able to do a quick lunch and get some bowling in with Annie and Kari before their afternoon shift. Gar did some really good bowling that day and was quite happy about it. He had a great day. Now here we are a year later, with plans for church, brunch, and then gathering at his family farm with two of his sisters to scatter some of his ashes. What a difference a year makes. It will be a small gathering, I really don't want to make a fuss, just return part of Gar to the fields that he worked so hard on.
As I said earlier, this marks the 20th anniversary of the year my father died. His death came after a six month battle with pancreatic cancer. I still miss my dad. He was a man who loved to have a good time, and the most important things in his life were his wife and his daughters. I still miss my daddy's hugs and the way he could talk away my fears.
As I sit here looking back on Father's Day, I must stop and pray and give thanks to my heavenly Father. It's because of God that I was able to move forward when dad died, and then when Gar died, because I knew that they were both home with God. Thank you God for those two wonderful men in my life. God is good, all the time. If you are able, go and hug your husband and your dad.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Looking for hope
Yesterday was another tough day. I don't know why, but Sunday afternoons and Sunday nights are my very worst day of the week, when I am at my lowest. It's odd, because I love church, and the day starts off with such a high, then it slides straight downhill. Last night was no exception to that. The excitement of the new camper has taken a back seat to the work that needs to be done to sell my house. I'm just stuck in a rut of work and saying good-bye to our house of 25 years. I'm also thinking that part of my problem in getting stuff done is trying to avoid that final good-bye. Yet that house is not my home anymore, it's an empty shell filled with memories.
So I get up this morning and decided that maybe if I did some blogging, some of the pressure inside would be relieved. I was all set to blog that I was feeling as if God had abandoned me. This was a new feeling to me, the first time that I had felt that since Gar died. Well, God had a little surprise for me. One of the bloggers that I like to follow is Timothy Siburg's. He was our Worship coordinator and choir director at our church for three years, and I value my friendship with him and his wife Allison. His blogs show up on my blogspot, and I was catching up on some of his blogs. He had shared Allison's post following the shootings at Seattle Pacific University. Timothy and Allison are Seattle natives. Allison wrote so beautifully about the horror of that event, and the four letter word that kept coming to her mind follow the event, the word hope. As I read her beautiful words, my mind was nudged by the Holy Spirit. It wasn't that God had abandoned me, it was that I had abandoned one of God's most precious gifts, hope.
Since Gar has died, probably one of my strongest emotions has been the feeling of hopelessness. I've been lonely and not sure what the future holds, really I don't have much hope for the future except for a long string of lonely days. So I googled how many times the word hope is used in the Bible, and it is over 125 times, depending on which version you read. I also found this verse from Romans 13:15 ~~Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit~~ So now it's time to change my prayers and my focus. Instead of focusing on missing Gar and focusing on how much I have to get done before I can sell my house, I will instead focus on hope, God's hope. Thank you Allison for giving me that word today, and your faithful reminder that God is hope.
So I get up this morning and decided that maybe if I did some blogging, some of the pressure inside would be relieved. I was all set to blog that I was feeling as if God had abandoned me. This was a new feeling to me, the first time that I had felt that since Gar died. Well, God had a little surprise for me. One of the bloggers that I like to follow is Timothy Siburg's. He was our Worship coordinator and choir director at our church for three years, and I value my friendship with him and his wife Allison. His blogs show up on my blogspot, and I was catching up on some of his blogs. He had shared Allison's post following the shootings at Seattle Pacific University. Timothy and Allison are Seattle natives. Allison wrote so beautifully about the horror of that event, and the four letter word that kept coming to her mind follow the event, the word hope. As I read her beautiful words, my mind was nudged by the Holy Spirit. It wasn't that God had abandoned me, it was that I had abandoned one of God's most precious gifts, hope.
Since Gar has died, probably one of my strongest emotions has been the feeling of hopelessness. I've been lonely and not sure what the future holds, really I don't have much hope for the future except for a long string of lonely days. So I googled how many times the word hope is used in the Bible, and it is over 125 times, depending on which version you read. I also found this verse from Romans 13:15 ~~Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit~~ So now it's time to change my prayers and my focus. Instead of focusing on missing Gar and focusing on how much I have to get done before I can sell my house, I will instead focus on hope, God's hope. Thank you Allison for giving me that word today, and your faithful reminder that God is hope.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day. But, it's not only Mother's Day today. It's also Gar's 69th birthday, only he's not here to celebrate it with me today. When Annie and Kari were small, Gar and I always had an agreement that on Mother's Day, Father's Day or one of our birthday's, the person being honored did not do any child care, mostly diapers. It was our joke that when Gar's birthday fell on Mother's Day, the kids stayed wet all day.
As I re-read this, I realize one thing. I could not even get out of bed in the morning if I didn't know how much God loves and carries me. Through my breakdowns, tears and dark thoughts, God's light keep shining through. At Gar's funeral, the gospel was John 1:1-5. When I chose that, Pastor Brian looked at me and said "it's not really a funeral reading" and I said, "but I still want it." This verse is why "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it". This was true of Gar's life and how he lived after his accident. It is now true of my life and how I have lived since Gar's death. God is good, all the time. Thank you God for putting Gar in my life.
As a family, we all continue to grieve Gar's death, yet being the individuals we are, we have each done it in our own ways. I don't know if this is normal for all families, and sometimes I feel as though we are falling apart as a family. I pray that that is not the case, and that soon we will pull together as we realize that all that we have is each other. I am so grateful to all of my children and grandchildren, and I love them all so much. I also know how much Gar loved each of his girls and grandchildren, and was so proud of them. I pray that they may always remember that.
It's also alway tough on Mother's Day without my mom. This is my third Mother's Day without her. This year has been especially tough. So many times I have wanted to tell my mom that now I understand what she went through after my dad died. Love you mom!
It's been a tough week for me as I tried to have a moving sale at my house. The turnout was lousy, but that meant nothing. The hardest part was getting rid of things that have been part of my life for so long. It's kind of funny, but the pieces that some people come in and see as useless have so many memories attached for me. This week I need to do some organizing so that work can be done at my house while I'm on vacation. I really hope that I can get enough in me to get it done. Moving out of my house is harder than I thought it would be. It has been such a good home to us for the last twenty five years.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Nine Months
Nine months ago my world was turned upside down when I returned home from an outing with Annie and Kari and found that Gar had passed away while we were gone. At some times it doesn't seem very real and at other times it is painfully real. I have learned several things, and while it is reinforcement of what I have known all of my life, it is still been a huge learning process for me.
First and foremost, I know that God is in charge of my life. God is a good and loving God, and life is much easier when I place it in God's hands. Secondly I have learned that while the grief changes over time, it will always be with me. It is my choice to either go with the flow or be bitter about it. Being bitter will not bring Gar back, so go with the flow it is. Gar will always be with me, and he left me beautiful gifts in our four daughters. The other gift that God, and Gar gave me are the gift of my memories. I have so many wonderful memories of our thirty years together, and no one can take those away. So many things can trigger so many wonderful memories. More often than not, they trigger wonderful memories instead of tears.
On Sunday, when it was exactly nine months was a good day. In the morning, I was honored to become a Godparent to Angel Blessed Livingston, a baby that was born to a couple at our church. It is such a privilege to be part of this little girl's life. It was a full circle day for me.
Yesterday I learned that I'm not as strong as I thought. Winky was spayed yesterday, and there were several other stressors during that day. I thought that I was doing better, then that knocked me right down. It caught me by surprise because I have always been able to handle days with a lot of stress, and yesterday I just fell apart. Thank goodness God was there to pick me back up. Thanks to everyone who prayed me through last night. I am learning that for a while I need to be a little gentler with myself.
Well, this blog was a lot of rambling, but that's okay. It's my way of journaling. In many ways my life has begun again, so I watch myself grow with God. I do know that God is good all the time, and God is always there with us. Thank you God!
First and foremost, I know that God is in charge of my life. God is a good and loving God, and life is much easier when I place it in God's hands. Secondly I have learned that while the grief changes over time, it will always be with me. It is my choice to either go with the flow or be bitter about it. Being bitter will not bring Gar back, so go with the flow it is. Gar will always be with me, and he left me beautiful gifts in our four daughters. The other gift that God, and Gar gave me are the gift of my memories. I have so many wonderful memories of our thirty years together, and no one can take those away. So many things can trigger so many wonderful memories. More often than not, they trigger wonderful memories instead of tears.
On Sunday, when it was exactly nine months was a good day. In the morning, I was honored to become a Godparent to Angel Blessed Livingston, a baby that was born to a couple at our church. It is such a privilege to be part of this little girl's life. It was a full circle day for me.
Yesterday I learned that I'm not as strong as I thought. Winky was spayed yesterday, and there were several other stressors during that day. I thought that I was doing better, then that knocked me right down. It caught me by surprise because I have always been able to handle days with a lot of stress, and yesterday I just fell apart. Thank goodness God was there to pick me back up. Thanks to everyone who prayed me through last night. I am learning that for a while I need to be a little gentler with myself.
Well, this blog was a lot of rambling, but that's okay. It's my way of journaling. In many ways my life has begun again, so I watch myself grow with God. I do know that God is good all the time, and God is always there with us. Thank you God!
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